its getting worse

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by whybother?, Apr 9, 2009.

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  1. whybother?

    whybother? Well-Known Member

    well things have gone from bad to worse, i really thought after my suicide attempt a few weeks back that afterwards ppl will see wat situation im in, but nothing has fuckin changed!!!!!

    i s/h id say every other hour now , and there not scratches , were talking DEEP cuts , if the cut doesnt bleed im not happy with it and i'll keep doing it till im happy that its deep enough

    i did it on my wrist 3 times the other nite, hardly bled at all so i just went crazy and shredded my arm , i was in the bath at the time and it turned the water dark red

    i DO NOT intend on stopping this for ANYONE, its the only thing in my life i get pleasure out of, my life is just 1 giant shit stain , i have no fuckin clue why im still even here,

    People are gettin on in there lives, living a better life than me, and im stuck in this endless fuckin pathetic shithole of an existance. i just want 1 day for me to cut so deep that i fuckin bleed to death

    ive given up on finding any friends
    given up on finding love after 3 gf's failed
    given up even being bothered

  2. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    :blub: :cry:
  3. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    Hey hun,
    Do you get any form of proffessional help, I feel you would benifit from it.
    If you ever need to chat, I'll listen

  4. whybother?

    whybother? Well-Known Member

    no i dont recieve any help, i was referred to a therapist twice, but i never replied to letters or arrived, costs to much and its fuckin pointless. im sorry the post upset u panicmania,i never intended on hurting u :(
  5. Hazel31

    Hazel31 Member

    Hey, i feel the same way too. Im just waiting for the right time to cut until i bleed to death. I am going to do it. I know i am pathetic. I just dont know why im still alive. Too many gruesome memories that hurts me every single day. I dont have any friends, no love and my parents hates me. i have been cutting my hand everyday. It bleeds and damn painful, but i dont care. i want to feel the pain to ease the pain in my heart.
  6. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I feel for you. It is awful when you feel so desperate and you make attempts to reach out for help but find none. It is so sad that you are feeling this way, especially as you want to get better but are not able to do that on your own because of the depression. I'd be angry too, it isn't fair that people are not listening and expect you to continue in the pain you are in. I think it is okay to be angry at other people, but i don't think you should punish yourself because they are inept. There are people out there who will listen, it is just a matter of speaking up enough times until they hear you (which is intolerably hard when depressed i know!).

    I've always found the road to help frustratingly slow, but then again i usually only speak up when i'm at the edge and need help very quickly. I don't think anyone should ask you to give up cutting unless they have something solid and useful to give you to replace it. Otherwise you'll be left further adrift than you already are.

    It sounds like you were offered some 'help' in the past with therapists but obviously the person that referred you wasn't listening otherwise they'd have known that you couldn't afford them nor at the point emotionally where you could access their benefit. So it wasn't much help was it?!

    I think you should go back to the person that referred you to the therapists and explain the situation you are in. There is help available that will make life easier but unfortunately you have to also be able to accept the help and take a chance. I think in many ways you are in that place now, it sounds like you want to get better and perhaps are more willing to try different things on offer. Who knows therapy might be really positive for you, but you won't know either way till you try.

    I'm not trying to say it'll be easy, from personal experience i know that it won't be. Fighting to get rid of depression isn't easy, if it were none of us here would be suffering from it. Sometimes i get so angry too at other people who don't have depression as they don't realise how hard every single day can be. I think it is okay to be angry, but don't let that anger destroy you and smother the hope that remains. That'd be the saddest thing of all.
  7. whybother?

    whybother? Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear that hazel :sad:

    and ive been referred to the therapist 3 times now, 3 times to 3 different people, and all them times i didnt bother with it, i cant afford to get there, and no1 can take me (due to work or busy with kids) i'll just carry on cutting and cutting, living this fucked up joke of a life im living
  8. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that is the choice you are making.

    I hope then that this forum gives you the outlet you need instead.
  9. Hazel31

    Hazel31 Member

    why bother,

    i never been to a therapist because it 's so expensive here and i dont even have a single savings with me. i rather cut myself then going to a therapist as i know that no one can help me. i am not sure why am i still in this forum, i should just do it. i just have few more things to settle and i will leave this world... i am sorry because i am not against what you are doing like others in this forum does. im just sharing my part of story. i wish things will be better off for you. i have nothing left....
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