It's getting worse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bluefish, May 31, 2010.

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  1. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    It's been a long time since I actually felt this bad.

    I live alone, hours away from the family I desperately need. I have no friends nearby that I can visit. Today I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed. I'm anxious. I'm desperate. I am in love with a man that doesn't deserve this. We're friends now, but I lost him and I believe that was the last straw. Things began getting worse when I had a miscarriage two months ago. I've began thinking about suicide a lot more now, to the point where I've made a list of things I need to take care of before I leave.

    I have everything going for me - great job, my own house, one more year left for my masters. But I am lonely, and it's getting unbearable. I lost him, the one person that was able to offer me everything I had ever wanted in life. I feel like there really isn't much left to hold on to. This is bad. Really bad.

    It's like the one thing I desperately want in life keeps eluding me - and that is Love. It's not worth going on without it, right? I mean, I have the love of family, but I want my own. And I lost it yet again.

    I don't want to go on anymore. I want this to end. It's been months of cyclic depression and I am tired of fighting to live another day.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Keep posting. Keep talking and know that others do hear what you are saying and feel for your loss. I know it's not the same as RL but members here do understand. Please dont let the depression swallow you up. Keep posting :arms:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can relate so very deeply to you. Much like you I have a good job and a nice place to live. However, I am depressed because I lost my mate. It is funny how in life so much happiness and joy can be tied to one little thing. For her it was the title of boyfriend, which I never took.

    I do not want to say move on. I still want my ex to come back. However, you have to believe that you will feel that way again. However, if you stay locked up in your house you will never get the chance. So why not join me in finding the next while bettering ourselves?

    PM me if you want someone to rant too. I am not one for motivational speeches... however, I am someone who can relate.
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

    When you say that your depression is cyclic, do you feel as if you're in a downward spiral, that's slowly getting tighter and tighter? It's a horrible feeling, like you're running out of time.
  5. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    Thanks all for your kind replies.

    My depression does seem to feel like wearing a noose that is slowly tightening up more and more. It directly ties in to my anxiety and desperation. I've deliberately started making plans with friends to get out of the house and be around people. But lately my insomnia is driving me batty. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and my mind spinning - last night I came this close to cutting just to end the racing and the shortness of breath and the misery.

    The suicidal thoughts keep coming and going. I am just so desperate now. I really wanted to take a few days off and go home to see my family and my ex to just decompress and muster up the strength to keep going. But work doesnt' allow me to do so, and I must wait.

    I come into the chat just to say hi to people because it makes me feel a little better. but its not the same when i go home. i just keep praying that i will make it through today.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am glad we can help make you feel a little better. I hope you can get home soon to feel even better.
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