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it's getting worse

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by moody, Jul 28, 2012.

  1. moody

    moody Member

    Indiference is bliss. But sometimes I can't face with the pain and those ideas about death. I wear the mask of indiference thinking that will help me to survive in this ocean of shit. But I can figure out that it's getting worse. I need someone to listen to me, to hug me, to tell me that I'm not alone. Who am I ? What I really want ? The funny part is that I can't get any attention neither from women, neither from men ('cause I'm an agressive lesbian and I can't keep people close to me, but talking with anyone, even with a men could make me feel better..somehow).
    When I feel that I fail, I never stop thinking at my first love, who is gone in London..and, how she said, she doesn't know if she will come back in my country. I wrote an e-mail a few days ago and i've told her that she is my only hope, my only light. Guess what she answered me ? "Sorry 'cause I reply you so late, I'm very busy and I don't have so much time. I know what are you feeling, but I don't know what could I say. Take care, forgive me, please ! " :)) That's kind of funny, 'cause she doesn't know that I'm thinking to take my life, and I'm curious : if I'd die, what she would say ? That I'm nothing for her, and it isn't her fault ? Isn't her fault, sure, but I wonder how many people are thinking seriously when someone dies, the most of them wondering itself if it was their fault. But anyone is asking once, just once " Why I didn't talk with she / he much longer ? Why I didn't prevent this fucking mess ? ". No, they're asking if it is their fault. I'm going slighltly mad, like the Queen's song...And I swear that I can't push my mind to make other things beside replaying memories and other sick stuff. I'm a lunatic.

    P.S: I thought that I will write here what I feel, it could be better. But it's getting worse and I can't do anything...
  2. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    hey, i don't kno how much i could help u, but i thought i'd still reply. i think a lot of people care, they just might not know how to show it. and from the reply from that girl [tho u translated it, right?], it seems she does care for u aswell. and looking at this from her point of view, i think there rly isnt much she could do. for example, if she suddenly started saying that she loves u so much and things like that, it wud just make u miss her, but u two cud still not meet anyway, so that wud just hurt. i think she might just not want to hurt u. but, i obviously don't kno her, so that's just my guess. also, indifference very much is bliss. it takes courage and strenght to feel everything. and, yes, most people wud be asking themselves if it's their fault. even though i assured my parents it wasnt their fault at all, they still thought it was. that hurts me tho. and i think the reason why most people don't come and talk to u is that they don't think it's that serious. they don't kno about the way u're feeling. and i think that girl wud be very sad if u died. after all she said "take care, forgive me, please", so that must mean she wants u to do well, and feels sorry that she can't be there for u more. and, i don't think u're a lunatic, i think u're a person in pain who needs help. and i hope u're gonna get the help u need.

    take care^^,
    from Eiji-sama~
  3. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    Ok, so why am I here for? Talk to me!

    And if you kill yourself I'll kill you all over again!

    Take care.