I have always had "special" gifts when it comes to seeing things others cant. And I have always taken my dreams very seriously. Because our dreams are our subconscious trying to tell us important things that we refuse to hear and see during the course of the day. So many of my dreams are about or atleast have wolves in them. I personally regard wolves as one of nature's most beautiful and perfect creatures. In my dreams there is always a lone wolf either standing in the shadows watching or instigating most of the major events of my dreams. Especially in my dreams about suicide. Usually my dreams are hard to remember in great detail once I awake. But last night's is so fresh, so real and so detailed. There was an enormous pack of wolves in my yard, all staying safe, hiding in the trees. But the lone wolf was always out in the open. Following me but this time I wasnt afraid of him at all. His golden eyes were always focused on me and his being there calmed me,made me feel safe and no longer alone. In this dream I was outside making sure everything was ready for the winter. All the time the wolf kept getting closer to me snarling and drooling. Even my dog Sass who usually growled and attacked the wolf walked around with me silent and never left my side. And I felt overwhelmingly like I had to keep giving her deep felt "ear rubs" and long loving strokes to her head. Everything I did was by a certain number. I picked up "x" amount of broken twigs from the ground, put away "x" amount of stray toys, pushed "x" amount of loads of dead leaves to the pasture. All of a sudden I am so tired. I can barely walk back to the house. I have to rely on Sass to help me there. But just before I let go of her and open the door I look down and see it is the wolf that has helped me. I go straight up to my bedroom and lay down. But there is so much howling and growling and noise. My room is on the 2nd floor of my home. I look out the window and see this "ladder" being created by all the animals that live wild in my yard with the wolves being the top. And the lone wolf is struggling to get his front paws on the ledge outside. He looks so wild and determined to get in through my window to me. Once again I lay down. When I look over at the night stand all the pills are gone. The bullets are still there but the gun is gone. But my knife lays there, the blade is open and shining so brilliantly. The noise and confusion outside is unbearable. I need the quiet. The sounds are filling my head, hurting and wont stop. So I start to cut. The more I cut the quieter they all become. I finally find myself draining away. Not tired and falling asleep but rather like my soul is leaving. Then I am able to look down at myself. The wolf is there tearing away the skin from my face. But there are no bones. In their place is a wolf head. The wolf keeps tearing until where I once laid there is now a full wolf body instead of me. I awoke and it has all been there vivid ever since. I dont feel afraid or confused at all about my dream. I can rationalize it all. It's the omen or sign that I have been searching so long for. My dream is telling me that I will finally belong. That once I commit suicide I will become all I have wanted to be for so long. Accepted. Beautiful. Intelligent. An important part of a family. No longer alone. Free. The "x' number of days is the date that it must happen and that it must be by my own hand. The pills will only fail once again. The gun is gone because I fear them so much and would probably back out because of it. But my knife by my own hand will work. Me doing for me. Not relying on anyone or anything else. Like so much of my life. Me taking care of others first. Me taking care of me when no one else is there to help. It is showing me that I will do it this time. I just realized the pen I used to scribble out the thoughts of my dream say "sign" it. I feel so assured now. Almost as if I have just been given a guarantee to the peace I've been needing for too long now.