it's happening again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hopeless, Sep 7, 2014.

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  1. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    For some of you newer folks you probably don't know me. i keep pretty quiet and only pop in every once in a while when extremely suicidal.

    today doesn't happen to be one od those extremes but it is a bad one. i have been physically ill for over 3 weeks and the d just keeps getting worse. i keep trying to tell myself i want to live but it's just a lie and i know it. i was turned away from my psych appt 4 or so weeks ago because i have insurance but i don't have $100. i was told a lot of people drop their insurance because of it. now my therapist has relocated and i have absolutely no support. i am tired of fighting this thing. i know my kids would be better off without me. i just fail each and every time i try. i just wish someone would kill me. i hate my life and lately it is more than i can take.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there hopeless, wow you have been a member more than 10 years-sorry, just something I noticed. :)

    What is your illness if you don't mind me asking? Your therapist relocated, but is there anyone to replace her position or can you see a different one?
    I don't think your kids would be better off without you, I think you may feel that to comfort your suicidal feelings or your depression is clouding your judgement and making you feel that way, every kid needs their parents. You have support here and you always will and I am glad you posted. I hope your health improves soon. :hug:
  3. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    My diagnosis is MDD & PTSD. The place that turned me away is also the place my therapist worked. it really isn't an option to go back bc they won't see me. it's like you get insurance and they think you are made of money.

    My kids suffer bc i suffer. if they were able to have someone else raise them my problems wouldn't cause trouble for them.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I had a diagnosis of major depressive disorder. My depression has been cured, I hope for the long run we shall see, but I did overcome it and you can too :) Depression is treatable. I also have PTSD, it is scary but I have it under control mostly. Well I guess it's how you approach it is what makes the difference. I don't know how that insurance thing works as I am in Ireland but I would have imagined that if you did have insurance that you wouldn't have to pay? Especially not 100 anyway!

    Does your partner help out with the children? Maybe if possible you could get someone to take care of them while you get yourself well!
  5. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    I recently divorced and he remarried within the month to his girlfriend who just had a baby. he doesn't get the kids often because he can't stay in one place very long. he likes to move around and chase women. I put up with him for nearly. 15 years. i still love him and hate what he did to us. if i go to the hospital my kids will be taken away. it is because of them that i am still alive. i just hate myself for not being able to care for them better. they habe what they need, bu t a 6 year old should never have to take care of her mother who can't get up out of bed.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That sounds so tough hun. Really does. Even though your 6 year old may be too young to understand I am sure she loves you very much. It is terrible what he did, remarrying within a month is kind of heartless. I am going to guess you don't have any relatives to look over the kids if you were hospitalized, but am asking anyway? For you, what is the hardest thing you have to deal with right now, if you can pin point it?
  7. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    The hardest thing is being told you make too much money for assistance and having trouble buying groceries. not being able to pay the bills and no one to help. thinking you have someone you can talk to but that person never being there. Still dealing with the loss of 6 family members last year. there is just too much to pin-point one thing. it has just been really tough. i'm scared to even shower because i might cut myself.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Oh my god. You lost SIX family members in 1 year! I cannot even imagine how that must have affected you and still affects you, its unfathomable.
    You sound very frightened right now, do you have any family at all close by? Cousins? Aunts? Uncles? If they knew how much you were struggling I am sure someone would step in and help. How many children do you have? Are you on any medications currently?
  9. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    I have 2 children. one boy,4 years old and one girl, 6 years old. i've been off my meds since the psych turned me away. it makes it very hard not being on my meds. there is no one i trust to help. they all want to harbor hatred and resentment for what happened in my marriage or my childhood. i have no one i can trust to lean on.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am really sorry. You have probably heard this a hundred times but just take each day as it comes, find fun and joy with your children. Watch them grow, flourish and teach them right from wrong, make them your goal. I would do anything to have a child! Not trying to make you feel any way guilty at all just trying to help you see you have something to live for, cling on to that and as for support you have us, there's also so many options of self help. If talking helps too and need to hear a voice, the samaritans are great. You can also come into the chat room.

    I wish the best for you and your little angels! :hug:

    Kind regards,Petal.
  11. SplinterStar

    SplinterStar Well-Known Member

    If your kids aren't too young and can take heavy subjects, you could turn to them for help by explaining what's going on more or less. If children came with contracts it would say in bold that it's their job to love you unless you beat them with clementines.
  12. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings with us. We are listening.

    Slowly when you are ready, let your children into your world too. Just as your love for your children helped you to stay on, let your children have the chance to show their love for you, especially when you feel overwhelmed.

    Keep on posting.
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