Its hard for me....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Maaso, Feb 28, 2009.

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  1. Maaso

    Maaso Well-Known Member

    Ive always been real good at hiding my feelings, but Im finding it to be tougher and tougher everyday. It just got alot rougher, and I dont think I can deal with it anymore. Now, the only reason I havent gone through with the act yet is the fact that Im 23, I still think that deep down somewhere theres the tiny hope that this could get better. But as of late, things are looking more and more dim.

    Ive felt this way ever since I was five, I would hide from people and pretend I was dead. As you can imagine its a little harder to hide these days....I jus dont know what to do anymore.

    I have nobody, nothing, laid off, and about to be evicted living on the streets. Im never happy, medication dont work...I just dont want to be around anymore.

    Im trying to think of a way to do it that looks natural, because I dont want anyone to know how bad it was. I was hiding it so long....

    Ive never really had respect for people who talk about commiting suicide, because they never will follow through, they are just doing it for attention. I dont know why Im here....I just want someone to know I guess.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2009
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It can be so hard when you are so used to hiding your feelings. It sounds like you feel desperate though. do you think now might be the time to start opening up about how you feel?

    People who talk about suicide are desperate people. Even if there is some element of craving attention, that in itself is a problem, and has attracted a negative stereotype. In fact talking about suicide and asking for help is a very positive way to get the help and attention you need. It takes a strong person to ask for help. To have fought this hard you are clearly a very strong person. Maybe you could put that strength to use in a different way and seek help for how awful you feel.

    Do you have any friends or family that can help if you get evicted?
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey.... glad you reached out . that is a very good step forward.

    i don't think people talk about suicide to get 'attention' (other than the occasional dramatic person here and there...) just my opinion...... but i think when we talk about suicidal feelings/ is the part of us deep inside that wants DESPERATELY to live. we reach out - because we are human beings - and we are meant to be with other human beings - we need each other.
    we reach out because we want to live and don't always know how....

    now. you are here - stay with us. lean on us and let us support you while you try to make a few concrete steps in your life.
    you mentioned ''making it look natural''' so no one will know.. so...the people you want to hide it from, are they friends? family? instead of hiding - ask for help be bold (i know you are courageous, you reached out here. that takes guts...) be bold and tell them you need a place to stay while u find a new job

    and hun, you are really young at 23... and you have a huge amount of time for things to get better....
    i'm here if you want to pm me..... i'm thinking of you ...:hug:
  4. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    I doubt that you will get the help you need in this forum. Your situation calls for bigger action. Call the Suicide Hotline. That's what they're there for.
  5. Maaso

    Maaso Well-Known Member

    I appreciate it, but I dont need help. Im gonna do it and nothing anyone can say is gonna talk me out of it.

    Im still here though.....Im waiting on something, and if it plans out how I think it is, I will bring about the end.
  6. Maaso

    Maaso Well-Known Member

    Well, it happened....and worse than I thought.

    Thanks for listening, and good bye.
  7. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    what was it?
  8. Maaso

    Maaso Well-Known Member most other peoples problems, its about a girl. Recently anyways...

    My fiance of seven years, the soon to be mother of my first child. Went behind my back and had an abortion, then left me tonight. I just...I dont know, she saved me from suicide 8 years ago, she was my angel that saved me from death and gave me the positive out look on life. She is the reason I am alive today, now she just abandoned me and left me for dead...literally.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Maaso,
    I don't think people talking about suicide are attention seeking(sure you have a few) but for the most part you will find that we all have tried to commit at least once. I have tried three time since I was thirteen..It is when they go quiet that you have to be concered..As long as they're talking they still have hope that things can get better..
    I well know the pain in loosing your soul mate..Right now you are going thru the greif stage..It takes time to heal those wounds. it's not worth killing yourself over. You will find one day that you are dealing with it much better. It will always be there, Only as a memory..When my fiance ant me broke up it took me a little over a year to get past lying in bed crying..She was my world and we had come so far..We had a good life, bought a house together, had two new vehicles, and money to be able to do the things we wanted. I lost her and then everything else.
    I tried OD'ing because of her and once I survived I started giving away and selling everything in a yard sell all the time planning my next attempt. Well I survived that one too and ended up in the hospital phsyc ward..I have been in and out ten times..Everytime I would get down I would go back in to get past the crisis. Just keep telling yourself it will get better. You said yourself that you have that little ray of hope. Hang onto it and let it grow.Right now you need to seek professional help. If you are that close to ending it then you need to go to your local ER and tell them you are going to kill yourself and no longer feel you can control it. They will admit you and help you get thru the crisis. TRUST ME YOU WILL GET PAST THIS!!! Take Care!!
  10. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    Let us know how you feel in the morning.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Maaso,how are you feeling today? :arms:

    Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
  12. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    Hehe... You seem to understand the world pretty well. You're pretty plain about saying what the problem is. lol. I appreciate the directness. I'm not laughing at your situation which I understand is bad... I have basically no option but to try to see the world in a good way all the time or laugh at stuff because I have problems like yourself.

    I really hate to say it but maybe she's no good for you. I would try to cut the cord because you're emotionally dependent on her. I think that practically 50-60% of all depression results from being emotionally dependent on others instead of ourselves. Now, I know from absolute FIRSTHAND experience that what I'm saying sounds impossible and crazy... I'm actually going through something very similar right now.... with me, it's a person who I'm attached to like a magnet but really what's happening is she is sucking my life away like a sponge and I can't be myself or feel good because I'm always worried about her. I HATE this kind of relationship and eventually, I might decide or choose to hate her. I really don't like that feeling anymore, to hate, because it seems to make me feel guilty or something......

    But I was WAY happier before I met her... Now I can't get rid of her, at least in my thoughts..... What a garbage truck of a relationship. She just exerts feeling over me, controlling my life and basically running it down the toilet. She's not confident so now I've lost MY self confidence which used to be all I cared about. GARBAGE!

    Well, that's my story about it..............
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