... its hard... maybe too hard...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SummerWolf, Mar 12, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. SummerWolf

    SummerWolf Member

    I seriously dont know why i am here... maybe because i want to share my pain, i want to leave a trace somewhere...

    Life hasnt been easy for me...

    I was born from a mother that didnt want me and was too late for abortion.

    My father doesnt know i exist and my mom never kept in touch with him so i can never find him (i dont even have a name of a picture).

    I was beat up really hard when i was younger by mom and step dad... and they eventually gave me away for adoption when i was 8, without any explanation, just a lady that came to pick me up.

    Since i am half asian, i had to suffer from racism in school...

    I was sexually abused when i was younger as well.

    I did attempt to kill myself multiple times when i was a teenager, and actually had to be brought back and on life support for a week, then coma for a month...

    I didnt know what to do, and always wanted to travel, so living in Canada, i went from coast to coast, trying to find an answer to my life... i felt into drugs and partying, and eventually over came that.

    I never had a good relationship with my foster parents, and i made terrible mistakes and they also turned their back on me...

    Life went on, i met a few girls, fell in love... broke up.... came back up...

    Now... almost 2 years ago, i met a girl... my little angel (she has angel wings tatooed in her back)... and it was a fairy tail.

    It all ended yesterday... she loves me more than anything... but cant be with me.... the story is a bit longer... but i am totally destroyed... normally i would be able to go on...

    But then i learned this week that i have an incurable disease and that i might have cancer as well...

    and my foster father's cancer came back as well and they refuse to let me come visit.

    I feel like i have failed at life, at the people that tried to take care of me because of all the pains i had.

    I have been thinking about dying my whole life, and was able to fight it for the past 10 years...

    But i think im giving up on the fight. I have nothing left. No love, no friends ( i moved here for my love), no family, no health...

    What do i have left? I am usually a strong person, able to go by anything that life threw at me, always been able to rebound... but this... its too much. I cant keep the temptation away. I want to end, and probably will. Im just waiting a little bit longer before monday... i hope a miracle happens, anything. I cant go to work, i dont have the energy.... but if i dont, i cant keep paying my bills. i have no support left. i am alone... i lost everything that was dear to me and it is now too late for me to fix it, and im not getting any younger...
  2. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Wow. I've never met anyone dealt such a terrible hand in life. You have my kudos for making it as far as you have. If you just wanted to share your pain, you've succeeded admirably. I and I'm sure this board feels for you.

    My sympathies, man. I can't begin to imagine the pain you're feeling.
  3. SummerWolf

    SummerWolf Member

    there is lesser pains that happened...

    but i didnt want to write everything and last for 2 pages...

    im just very tired now... i cant see any positiveness in life any longer.

    in a way, i still think i lived a successfull life and tried to help others as much as i could with the experiences i had. and i believe i was able to help others...

    im just tired... i have no energy left. i know itll pain others for me to be gone, specially the girl that i love and that loves me...

    but... i just cant anymore... i am very tired of fighting.
  4. datguy

    datguy Active Member

    i am not sure how old you are but you just told my story through you to a tee other then the sexual abuse.. i feel for you my friend, i wish i had answers for you but i cant even help myself... i do know the one thing that you said and that i think is that we are good people and even though things seem pointless it almost seems pointless to end the life of such a caring person. there arent many of us out there .. i am in the same boat with work and bills and it seems like that is just a bigger anchor for me.. people say get help but what is help with my emoitional stuff gonna do for me when i get out and all the stress of payments and life are pushing on me at the same time.. i have put myself in a bad corner by not facing things because of this extreme depression..
    i here you and feel for you. just remeber try to give it atleast one last hard push to get ahead look at all you have been through and still sound like a caring guy.. you as a person are atleast worth the effort to get outta of this shity corner in life.. i am a cynic too and look at it as why do i wanna see tomorrow and have the chance of going through all the same crap i did in the past.. but thats where you are smarter then that you have seen and felt the pain out there and you know what to stay away from..find a solid caring group of friends and do positive things that will bring happiness in return to you.. i know it you can say yah easy to say, but really it is. life can be simple i think sometimes we make it harder then it needs to be..not sure where you are located but the are alot of programs that will help out with living costs if you mentaly need help and cant work . this will give the chance to get the help you need . do it we all have our issues and need help sometimes and you sound like a strong caring person we could use around..
    i cant even help myself but i know what i say is true and i hope i can figure my life out in time as i am wishing for you.
  5. SummerWolf

    SummerWolf Member


    i am one of those people that now says: life is simple, we make it more complicated. i am one of those that says: just be happy. just smile and think about the little things you have already.

    my heart tells me right now the most simplest thing is to say goodbye. I have done what i could. I dont have the strenght to keep saying: one more day. just one more. one at a time.

    i have lost everything that was dear to me. some of it by my fault, some i couldnt control and some that was done by other.

    i have forgiven everybody, including myself.

    im just out of energy, and hope. i hate this world. i hate how everybody is so connected to the internet, and so disrespectful.

    to answer your question, i am 28.

    its just... i cant explain it. i feel like i would complete the circle by leaving. it just feels right for me. i always knew it would be how it would end ya know? i always wanted to choose my time of death. and with my health declining, and everything else happening, i think its time. i have been planning this slowly, settling my finances, written all my passwords and account numbers.. all that stuff, so people dont have to struggle more once its time to take care of what i have left.

    i wont tell you when i have planned this, but its in a very close future. i just needed to go somewhere and write down my thoughts so at least someone knows and understands.

    and maybe, who knows, a miracle might happen.
  6. datguy

    datguy Active Member

    i realy do hope a miracle happens for you. i wish one would happen for me . but like you said i am sick off the fight just to be happy.i am 34 and have lived and a pretty good life other then the depression.. i have done and seen things most people wont have the chances to in their whole lives. i feel like i have lived my life and just dont wanna fight to try to get back all i have lost and take the chance of lifes pains happening again as well. i do know its a shame and a waste of a good life though cause i am a very caring person as it sounds like you are. i wish things could be different but i am sick of battling up this hill. like i said earlier i would wish you would try some of those aid programs and get some meds and give yourself a fair chance before you just quit..you have made it through alot get over this hump and see what happens then..
  7. SummerWolf

    SummerWolf Member

    you sound like a good man, i truly wish you live a successful and happy life.

    as for me, im tired of the game. i have done what i could, realized most of my dreams. i dont really have any dreams left. i will die content.
  8. datguy

    datguy Active Member

    it kills me to even try to help you cause i cant and it sucks,, it really is like looking in a mirror when i read what you say.. i am very calm about it and i have a plan to , i am just crossing my t's and dotting my i"s now too.. it makes me so sad that other people are out there like me..i am not even upset about my decision either,, the calmness scares me a bit and thats about all i feel..i wish i could be there for you to show you even if for your last few days that there are good people out there that care and it sucks we couldnt have found support like this when it might have helped.i have sold and given away almost everthing i had left and i am spending my last pennies taking friends out to share some last good times with them.. its crazy some people try it and chicken out and some people plan it , its the people like you and me that scare me cause i know you arent kiddin ,i can feel your emptiness and i wish i could help you.
    if you have any questions or wanna talk i am here.
  9. SummerWolf

    SummerWolf Member

    i have done the samething, i have given stuff away and i spent my last money on everyone around me... and without them knowing, i have been saying the word goodbye to all of them...

    i dont deny there is a good people out there... its just that... im just out of reasons to keep going. im happy that i got where i got today. that i had an amazing girl to take care of me, that my health was strong enough to bring me here, that i got to meet an amazing amount of people through my travels.

    im truly glad for it all.

    im just... out of energy.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you are not out of energy as you have said you are still in depression deeply.
    A reason to live your GIRL that is reason enough

    Complete the circle i have used that line as well i set out to do something and i have done it i fought hard to be someone and to help my loved ones to get them the help they needed to survive as well. i am beyond tired from all the work done.
    complete the circle you will be destroying your loved ones and don't think you won't be because that is depression telling you lies
    you leave all you do is pass the pain and suffering on to everyone left behind and it DOES NOT LEAVE US okay we are left in HELL from the sadness that someone would choose to kill themselves over staying and getting help
    There is help i know i have fought and got it for so many of my family there is healing you are tired then go in to hospital rest in a safe place until you get strength to carry on
    All the years ahead of you do not need to be a struggle they can be ones of joy peace and happiness but you have to stop this distorted thinking the distorted thoughts by getting into your doctor hospital and get on different meds or get therapy
    Do not pass the pain on the struggle the suicdal tendancy will become your girls your families trait
    there is help dont fight it alone that way you won't be so tired go into hospital NOW call crisis line NOW and start healing properly hugs to you
  11. themadcatter

    themadcatter Member

    total eclipse is 100% correct.... the past is the past, you cannot do anything about, try focusing on the present day and future, you can change your whole life around one step at a time. you were fighting for so long, keep battling until you win, i have faith in you, your a loving caring person.:smile:
  12. themadcatter

    themadcatter Member

    datguy..your very kind/caring for helping out summerwolf...i have faith in you too, everything will be ok like you said you have a good life, the only thing is deppression, try your hardest to battle this, i have really bad OCD, its really stressful, but one morning i woke up and said to myself, if i stop thinking like this/feeli like this ill be happy/stress free, well im on the road to recovery and boy i feel 60% better almost winning this battle, you and summerwolf can too, same with everyone in this forum, im here to talk if you need. :)
  13. SummerWolf

    SummerWolf Member

    so decided to give a quick update, because i owe it to all the people that sent me messages...

    that sunday night, i ended up being very close and decided to get help one more time.

    i called 911, and went to the hospital... but when i got there, i got my composure back and they sent me back home with anti-anxiety pills within the hour... which actually is making me more depressive...

    i tried to hold on... but i cant. today i just finished selling everything i owned and bought a plane ticket to go visit a friend.

    then ill go hang out at my favorite place nearby his place and ... say good bye to the world.

    im sorry everyone... i tried.
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i think you need to rethink you plans okay Your friend and you should go on a nice trip together get some redirection The hospital will give you help to get you on a new path to bring some healing and peace. It does work I know my daughter almost ended her life so many times yet after going to hospital after receiving treatment and on new meds she is a new person okay she is her old self again There is always a way to heal a way to start a new You just have to reach out and get it and stop leaving the hospital go back and get treatment for your depression your thoughts do not hurt your friend by leaving him both of you need to support each other to get well and stay well go to hospital with your friend and stay there and get well so you can travel more and see more of this world when you are well
  15. SummerWolf

    SummerWolf Member

    im sorry. i dont expect people to understand my decision... but at least respect it.
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Im sorry but with all the help out there you can get well you can make a difference in somone elses life i cannot understand no because i know the devastation of suicide i know that pain and i know it was not necessary if he had reach out he would still be here enjoying his children and grandchildren It is not an option not when you can get well and be happy you deserve that happiness that healing and who knows what the future will bring you if you leave you will never know
  17. SummerWolf

    SummerWolf Member

    i already sold everything, and i cant pay for my appartment any longer. and now im in debts. cant afford my bills. and none of my friends care. nah, im done.
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have a job you have benefits you need to hold onto them and get help now I know you are not fooling around here okay but it is now time to stop and get help NOW go to your hospital tell them you plans and stop this NOW
    there is no need to continue on with this plan of yours It is not too late i am telling you it is NOT too late to go to hospital there they will get you on the right path to get everything back again Please just do it if only you can see with different eyes you would see there is always hope always.
  19. SummerWolf

    SummerWolf Member

    i already went to the hospital 2 weeks ago and i got turned back within 1 hour
  20. datguy

    datguy Active Member

    same shit with me if you dont act crazy or in absolute desparate need of help they turn you away,, and the last time i sat for ever in a waiting room with people looking at me and me being emotionaly insucure at the time and seeing people hurt that really need help i said to hell with that and walked out
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.