It's hard. More than likely a trigger

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by CloudCatching, Apr 7, 2010.

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  1. CloudCatching

    CloudCatching Well-Known Member

    It's hard. Well, hard doesn't even describe how much it takes to just type something like this out. Words cannot fathom the difficulty I'm having with this, with simple words and text, but I need to put it out on words to make it a reality... if that makes any sense.

    I met someone when I was younger ( I was 12 he was 7 or 8 years older than I was. From what I can recall.) . Someone who I trusted with my life, someone who was extremely cool and listened to me talk and complain about anything. This someone was a good friend with my mother, but in the end it seemed like he liked my company way more than he liked my moms. After A few months we became close friends. One night in particular he held me down and took advantage of me. ( I sat here staring at the screen for 30 minutes and I honestly can't type that word.) After he was done I told him I wanted to go home and I was crying and I couldn't think straight- All I remember is my voice and feeling physically sick and just repeating I want to go home. He grabbed me by my shoulders and told me he'd take me home if I promised I'd never say anything. He said I was good, that I could keep secrets.

    But it wasn't just that time, it was several. Just over and over and I can't get it out of my head. My mom still talks to him, he still comes around- Granted he hasn't done anything in the past few years but blatantly flirt with me. That alone is hard to deal with because I can't tell her or anyone. (It took me nearly everything to tell my friend and even then it's limited.) There has been a few other incidents that I don't remember all too clearly, but these with this person have been by far the worst- Which again, the word is too light for this situation, but for lack of other words :\

    I keep asking myself if it could have been something I did, maybe I provoked him and I just don't remember. I mean if he got the idea I wanted that I must have done something... I was taught on the firm believe that there are no such thing as bad people, just good people who do questionably bad things. So, this is my fault, isn't it?

    Sorry if this is so long, just my thoughts aren't exactly in order at the moment, and I'm trying to keep it as clean and as short as I can manage. I think I need to accept it for what it is and get it out there, or I'll end up dying with it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Time for yu to tell your mom to press charges time to make the world safe and get him put away. You are older now and you need to protect yourself by going to authorities and getting his ass put in prison off the streets so he doesn't hurt you or anyone else. Only if you have the strength to do this and if not get therapy for you talk to a doctor a teacher a councilor but talk and get help for you to heal okay do it now.
  3. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    it was not your fault, you were a child, how could you have started something, you didnt know what sexual stuff was. it was not your fault. if you feel strong enough go to your mum and tell her, but i can understand not being strong enough, i cant tell my mum what happened to me. its good you have reached out and told us thats a step in a positive direction. its not healthy to keep it all locked inside you we are here for you
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    very good advice ,,I agree....
    it was not your fault...he is a pervert and needs to be stopped...
    I hope you will find the strength one day to tell your mum...
  5. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I know how hard it can be to tell anyone. I was also molested as a child, and very few people know.

    No, you were in no way responsible, any more than I was. What this guy did to you was not only wrong, it was illegal. There is no way you should have to continue to see this guy, after what he did. And there is never, never, anything that a child can do that makes molestation acceptable.

    If you can't tell your mom, can you tell someone in her peer group? A counselor, aunt, etc., who could talk to her? She should get that creep out of both of your lives ~ for good.
  6. CloudCatching

    CloudCatching Well-Known Member

    I know the best possible thing would be to do what you've all told me to do; Tell my mom, but I can't. My mom isn't the type of person that would care if I had anything to say, and if it was anything about her friends she's more than likely to believe them over me. I don't think I'd be able to handle someone not believing me or let alone calling me a liar.

    I don't know if I'd be able to tell someone professional- I.E. Counselor, or a therapist. I actually don't have it in me to actually talk about it to someone in person.

    And even though you've all said it wasn't my fault, it's hard to actually think it wasn't.
  7. empty101

    empty101 Well-Known Member

    You were 12 and he was an adult. Don't for a second thing anyone is to blame but him :(
  8. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    there is literally no blame for you in this. you were a victim of his violence. period. thank you so much for sharing with us. i hope it makes you feel a little better to know we believe you.
  9. Firelord

    Firelord Active Member

    I think that everybody here has already done the job of telling you repeatedly one part of the truth, that it is not your fault, which is completely and entirely true. What happened, what this person did is in no way whatsoever your fault. You did not ask for this to be done to you, he did it, it was his decision to do it and the only fault lies in himself in doing it.

    The fact is Cloud, that people who go through repeated events such as you usually end up blaming themselves for a reason that, since I'm not a psychologist or have any knowledge on the subject, I can't comprehend. But what I do have knowledge of is right and wrong and what is wrong is what he did to you. There is never a reason for him to do what he did.

    Also, despite whatever some people say, the truth of the matter is that there are bad people out there. The term "There aren't bad people, only good people who do bad things" is wrong in it's entirely. If you dissect the term, it implies that a person that does things like this person did, is just the same as everyone else, which is not true. This person had a choice and he chose to do what he wanted, despite the fact that it hurt another person horribly.

    This in essence points out why he is a bad person. He wanted something and he took it, despite who it hurt. This is called selfishness. He also obviously delighted in doing it over and over again, this is called sadism, the man getting off on hurting other people. This man likes hurting others obviously and the fact that he keeps coming around and flirting with you is an obvious sign that he has no remorse and does not care what he did to you hurt you.

    There is a term, both philosophical and religious in it's basis, that can be implied to this and that term, as old as time itself, is... evil. The worst thing about it is that what he did often makes the victims, especially children like you were in the first case, afraid to tell others. You are not to blame for it because you didn't tell others, you were afraid. You had every reason to be afraid and you are not at fault for what happened.

    I am not going to tell you what to do about this, but if you want my opinion I'd say to talk to a therapist or psychologist specializing in helping people who went through traumatic abuse. Despite how hard it might be, sometimes the most important thing to do is talk to people face to face. And just remember, the first step is always the hardest, but once you do something, every time you do it again and again it gets easier and easier.

    And you get stronger and stronger.
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