It's hard to admit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anon111, Jun 27, 2008.

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  1. anon111

    anon111 Member

    But I've actually been considering suicide. Even though I have a perfect family I really shouldn't have anything to complaign about. I'm 17 years old and I've always been a good student in school but this past year I barely managed to pass some of my classes. I have no weight problems, I go to the gym regularly and weigh about 165 lbs. with 3.2% body fat.

    I grew up in a family where sports mean alot, and I don't like playing sports so I went into drama, I've been the main actor in so many plays and people say I do great and I just feel like I do horrible every time.

    After the main theatre performance I asked out the beautiful girl that was the lead female role in the play (I was the lead male role) and she said yes! I feel like I do everything wrong with her though. Her friends say she's just shy but I feel like I've been a terrible boyfriend for bringing her roses before I knew she didn't like roses and not being able to talk to her much during exam time. We've been going out for about 3 weeks now and have been on 1 date. She's also a heavy drinker and partier and I've been sober all of my life and I have never smoked or had sex.

    Maybe I'm too hard on myself or maybe I'm just a failure, either way I feel so depressed and I feel that even something someone on the internet says can change my decision on how I feel about things. I'm sorry if this was a waste of your time.
  2. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    you should never worry about being a waste of anyone's time here. i think posts like yours are what we come here for :smile:. oh, and also to vent a little ourselves. honestly, i think you are too hard on yourself. you sound like a nice guy and really sweet. and just because you've haven't done all the things she's done doesn't mean you're a failure either. a lot of people don't do that kind of stuff and hey, for all you know your gf might be feeling kind of depressed too. if you ever need someone to just listen to you, i'm usually on so you can private message me if you'd like or not. but i still wish the best of luck to you and hope that you take care and enjoy SF as much as the rest of the people here :smile:.

  3. iceeblusmurf

    iceeblusmurf Senior Member

    hey, ignore the idiot above me who posted the picture.

    But as for your post, please don't ever feel like you're annoying any of us or anything with your posts. we are here to listen 100%, we like doing it :biggrin:.

    Now you do really sound like a good guy. Just maybe like you have some self-esteem issues mainly. I think that you could take a good look at yourself and realize that you are good at your acting and that you aren't a failure. Like its been said many time, we are our own worst critics.

    Now as for your girlfriend, does she know that you aren't a drinker and that you're a virgin? Because as long as she knows, understands, and is willing to not push you then you guys should be fine. As long as you are comfortable with her drinking and everything. The number one thing to do is to keep the communication open :smile:.

    I am ALWAYS here if you need to talk. Feel free to add me to any messengers, or to PM me.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    If you have a strength in drama, then don't be afraid to follow that as long as you enjoy it. If you have secured leading roles in the plays and others say you are good, they must be being honest. Try not to be so critical of yourself.
    What do you have in common with the girl you are currently dating? It sounds as if your lifestyles are completely different. Did you ask her out because you really liked her or because she was pretty and the female lead?
    I don't think you are a failure, but I do suspect you are too hard on yourself. Can you remember what it was like before these problems set in? What is different now? I am glad you found us and hope we are able to help support you. please take care and take it easy on yourself. :hug:
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You're a perfectionist, and that's o.k., as long as you choose to make positive changes about what you see to be your shortcomings. Just remember that nobody can ever actually BE perfect, we can only aspire to perfection, but never truly achieve it, which is fine, otherwise life would be pretty boring. Just try to learn from your mistakes and better yourself as a result.

    I think it's great that you're sober and please don't ever feel bad about that. It's a personal choice and that's absolutely fine. Actually, it's better than fine. It's a good thing.

    It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of. Don't feel bad about giving your gf roses when you didn't know that she was not very fond of them. The fact that you gave her a gift must mean something to her and she is with you, so she must think you are a good guy.

    Please know that we ALL do things that fall short of our own expectations and that we must learn to deal with that in a healthy and positive way.

    Allow yourself to feel good about your accomplishments! You deserve it. Try to learn to be happy with the gifts you have been given. As long as you are doing the best you can and living up to your personal potential, then you should feel proud to be who you are.
  6. anon111

    anon111 Member

    I'm sorry I was unclear before, I was feeling really ditzy earlier. I really do like my girlfriend but I have the feeling that she doesn't like me because she hasn't shown any affection for me at all, even though I know she's attracted to me. And it isn't a matter of keeping sobriety or virginity, I never had the chance to lose it before and I feel left out because of it, which sounds ridiculous. But I've sort've built a barrier to stay away from that stuff.

    But that's not the only reason I'm feeling depressed. I'm sorry if I sound really whiney but I never let any of my feelings out ever because I can't talk to anyone about these things because I'm always joking around and I'm the last person people would expect would commit suicide and it's pathetic that I've actually been considering it as an option.

    It feels like every choice I make is always the wrong choice. I can cheer anybody up! I always make people laugh! I'm a class clown that will embarass my self for anyone even if it gives them a small smile when they're feeling down! But it seems like I can't do the slightest thing to make cheer myself up. I mean I love the way I look, I love what I do, I love the people I know that love me, but I have an enormous burden of depression that I've just been carrying with me forever. I have an excellent memory and I can remember things that people have done that have made me sad that I expressed no emotion towards at the time, but now I look back at it all and just weep.

    I strongly believe in a God and the faith I have in Him is probably the only thing keeping me alive right now. I wouldn't dare tell anyone of my suicidal thoughts because of my image of extremely high self-esteem.

    I thankyou alot for your replies because it shows that there are people out there that care about others and not just there to devour you for what you're worth.

    Edit: I'm also very sorry if anyone pitys me or feels bad for me, that's not what I want, I really can't stand being pity'd, all I want is a serious conversation about depression for once.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2008
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'm glad your faith is keeping you going :)

    I know you don't want to destroy your perfect image, but you may need to see a doctor for your problems. My husband taught me an amazing trick where this is concerned. Imagine what would happen if you were to "come out" with your depression. Imagine the WORST POSSIBLE scenario. You're at a family dinner and everyone whose opinion you value is there. You leap up at the table and shout your problems in front of all of these people, your hopes, dreams, fears, etc. Now wallow in that thought. Wallow in what you think would be the worst possible outcome of you expressing your feelings in that manner to your loved ones, friends, etc. I mean REALLY think about it, how embarrassing it would be, how horrifying it would be for everyone at the table if they reacted as badly as they possibly could. Your Mother is crying, your Dad thinks you're a wimp, your gf thinks you're gay, whatever.

    How bad is that really? Is it worth ending your life over?

    I like to do this little excercise when I'm afraid of what people will think of me in certain situations because I always come back to the same point: it's not THAT bad. The worst-case-scenario will never happen, and if it does, it is usually not that bad. Once you really think about it, you start to understand that you WILL get through it and move on and live a completely normal life.

    Don't distance yourself from the people who care about you. Let them know how you are feeling. Let them help you. That's what they're there for.
  8. anon111

    anon111 Member

    Thank you alot, Anastasia, sometimes you just have to tell people these things and get a positive reaction from it. I'll keep on keeping on.

    I hope you guys know what a great deal of life saving and hapiness you're spreading. I'm forever in your debt. :hug:

  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :) You seem like a very clear-headed and probably a pretty talented individual. Trust me, I know what it's like to be at the age you are now and I'm not gonna sugar-coat it, it can blow. The great thing is that usually, it gets better. Parental pressure and the feeling that your every move is being scrutinized can be a very heavy weight indeed.

    I myself am a Catholic, so I know the weight that faith can carry in your life, and the things that faith can pull you through when things seem hopeless.

    I'm glad you found us here and I hope you discover yourself, whoever you happen to be!

    PM me if you ever want to talk. I'm here and I hope you will contact me or someone else on this site if you need someone to talk to. Great site, great people :)
  10. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i'm so amazingly impressed with so much positiives that you feel about yourself, and the fact you can acknowledge your awesome memory. i am jealous about that one mines totally getting worse. anyways, i just had to tell you how awesome it is you can see so many positives about yourself. i hope you can learn to carry them into your relationship with your girlfriend. it will take time to work through stouf, but it can be done. you're more awesome than you know, (but now you do :smile). please take care

    btw: :welcome: to sf
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2008
  11. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    you know, a lot of people that are also happy with themselves are depressed too. it's good that you believe in something that keeps you alive, i think you should maybe try to read the Bible for the first time or more often, or even get more involved with a church or something. maybe you should talk to a counselor or something also, tell someone really really close to you how you feel. you might be surprised at their reaction. again, if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm usually always on.
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