It's hard to find the words

[smoothcriminalist]

For the last three days I have felt so lost.
Like I had been building up to someone amazing, and had it stolen from me just before I was going to get it.
I am told to keep faith but I am also being told there is nothing I can do.
I have an impossible time not feeling I am living the worst case scenario, and am constantly fighting off anxiety attacks based on these emotions of helplessness and feeling like a lost cause.
I am having a very hard time seeing how life is so amazing, when I feel like I am being crushed under it's weight.
It would be so much easier if I didn't have to do this any more. I could be done, and with a lack of existence, I could be free.
They always say "what about your family? your friends?" My friends have been flaky and stand offish for a long time, leaving me to question whom my true friends are.
My family would be very upset I know, but sometimes I think that their content feelings don't really outweigh my feelings of hopelessness and wanting to be done.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I need release from all of this. I don't really think I've ever felt so lost before.

 

[Isabel]

Welcome at SF,

Would it be possible for you to get some kind of therapy to help you cope so everything does not seem so overwhelming? I would suggest also being open to your family about what you are going through at the moment. They would be the one dealing with your loss, which cant be overstated, so they deserve a chance to help you getting better. If they don't know, they are powerless in doing whatever they can do. In the mean time, sharing here what you are going through might help.

 

[Looney]

Oh I totally understand, I feel the same way.
And, not to say that worse than you 'cause I don't know your details, but, I'm lost, I feel abandoned, I feel lonely, I feel like I don't deserve to be here or have nothing to do here and it kills me because I'm pregnant (23 weeks), I have a 1 yr old, I see my parents everyday, they look after my baby when I come to "work", I have a husband who I love and who says he loves me but I hardly ever see because he works from 7 to whenever he's done.
Sometimes (most of the time) I feel like everybody would be better off without me in their lives, but then I think about my babies and I can't, I think about my parents and I don't think I would be able to cause them such pain... when I think about my husband, well... I'm sure he'd find someone, he's a great guy I guess... I don't think I know him anymore... but I don't want my kids to end up with anyone else, they're mine and no one will ever love them like I do... but then, I don't want to be here anymore.
No, I would never hurt them, I don't think I'm even capable of hurting myself, but oh I wish I was.
I don't believe in therapy, been there, not helpful at all, I don't believe in medication, been there, only made me feel worse and tired all the time.
I believe in God, I pray, I beg everyday and every night... I know he's the one giving me the little strenght I have, but, I also need to vent.
I won't talk to my family about this, don't want to worry any of them with something I have to deal with myself.

 

[Speedy]

@smoothcriminalist: I hope you are able to navigate around this site like you would like now. Welcome, and I know that you're not feeling too well. If there's anything more that you would like to talk about, feel free.

@looney: Welcome to you. I wish you didn't have to deal with all of this by yourself. All the best...Alex

 

[smoothcriminalist]

Welcome at SF,

Would it be possible for you to get some kind of therapy to help you cope so everything does not seem so overwhelming? I would suggest also being open to your family about what you are going through at the moment. They would be the one dealing with your loss, which cant be overstated, so they deserve a chance to help you getting better. If they don't know, they are powerless in doing whatever they can do. In the mean time, sharing here what you are going through might help.

my mom knows for the most part, I don't think i am capable of fully expressing just how upset i am. there is the part of me that thinks that is selfish. just as im sure some think/feel/etc that ending your life is selfish. I know it is... but there is a side of me that isn't sure these feelings are fully bearable.

what sucks on top of all this, is i feel that my problems on a whole are not as bad as some, and while the problem itself isnt the worst thing ever, it's the emotions that come with it that are tearing me down. I feel like something is wrong with me

 

[smoothcriminalist]

Oh I totally understand, I feel the same way.
And, not to say that worse than you 'cause I don't know your details, but, I'm lost, I feel abandoned, I feel lonely, I feel like I don't deserve to be here or have nothing to do here and it kills me because I'm pregnant (23 weeks), I have a 1 yr old, I see my parents everyday, they look after my baby when I come to "work", I have a husband who I love and who says he loves me but I hardly ever see because he works from 7 to whenever he's done.
Sometimes (most of the time) I feel like everybody would be better off without me in their lives, but then I think about my babies and I can't, I think about my parents and I don't think I would be able to cause them such pain... when I think about my husband, well... I'm sure he'd find someone, he's a great guy I guess... I don't think I know him anymore... but I don't want my kids to end up with anyone else, they're mine and no one will ever love them like I do... but then, I don't want to be here anymore.
No, I would never hurt them, I don't think I'm even capable of hurting myself, but oh I wish I was.
I don't believe in therapy, been there, not helpful at all, I don't believe in medication, been there, only made me feel worse and tired all the time.
I believe in God, I pray, I beg everyday and every night... I know he's the one giving me the little strenght I have, but, I also need to vent.
I won't talk to my family about this, don't want to worry any of them with something I have to deal with myself.

I am really sorry you feel this way. It obviously isn't easy to deal with all of this, and I have commitment issues with therapists myself. I go the first time with high hopes, but part of all this is that I get so upset and introverted that I stop going, and get no help at all. I don't know for sure if it would help if i kept going anyways.

 

[smoothcriminalist]

@smoothcriminalist: I hope you are able to navigate around this site like you would like now. Welcome, and I know that you're not feeling too well. If there's anything more that you would like to talk about, feel free.

@looney: Welcome to you. I wish you didn't have to deal with all of this by yourself. All the best...Alex

Thank you very much