It's hard to stay positive because of a lot of reasons. My fiance just took her life in January and we were supposed to get married in a month. We had everything pretty much planned out already. It was so hard to have to cancel the location, food, band, flowers, tent and chairs. Everything we worked for and was looking forward to suddenly didn't matter anymore. She was from California and i'm from Hawaii so we had two funeral services. It was so hard having to look at her lifeless body. I couldn't even touch her. I was a little scared and couldn't believe what I was doing at that moment. Her family and I decided to bury her in her wedding dress ( not the typical white frilly dress). But this dress was casual flowery and exactly her style. It hurt so bad to look at her in that dress and I wish I saw the dress on our wedding day instead. It was so hard watching them lower her into the ground. I knew I would only see her in my memory and pictures now and that was the hardest fact I ever had to face. When I came back to hawaii I got sciatica really bad and haven't been able to return to work since january. I'm feeling very depressed and the only thing keeping me sane is the internet. My whole life had to change and sometimes I feel mad at her for leaving me alone like this. But at the same time I immediately forgive her and can't even imagine how much pain she must have endured. I loved her more than life itself. I wish I did a better job as her fiance. I wish I could've taken all her pain away and put them on myself. I know from experiences that I can handle suffering pretty well cause i've suffered most of my life. I just don't understand why God does what he does. I think noone deserves to hurt so badly. Why????? Haven't we suffered enough to deserve a fuckin' break already.