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It's hard to stay positive because.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nowalone, Jun 7, 2010.

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  1. nowalone

    nowalone Member

    It's hard to stay positive because of a lot of reasons. My fiance just took her life in January and we were supposed to get married in a month. We had everything pretty much planned out already. It was so hard to have to cancel the location, food, band, flowers, tent and chairs. Everything we worked for and was looking forward to suddenly didn't matter anymore. She was from California and i'm from Hawaii so we had two funeral services. It was so hard having to look at her lifeless body. I couldn't even touch her. I was a little scared and couldn't believe what I was doing at that moment. Her family and I decided to bury her in her wedding dress ( not the typical white frilly dress). But this dress was casual flowery and exactly her style. It hurt so bad to look at her in that dress and I wish I saw the dress on our wedding day instead. It was so hard watching them lower her into the ground. I knew I would only see her in my memory and pictures now and that was the hardest fact I ever had to face. When I came back to hawaii I got sciatica really bad and haven't been able to return to work since january. I'm feeling very depressed and the only thing keeping me sane is the internet. My whole life had to change and sometimes I feel mad at her for leaving me alone like this. But at the same time I immediately forgive her and can't even imagine how much pain she must have endured. I loved her more than life itself. I wish I did a better job as her fiance. I wish I could've taken all her pain away and put them on myself. I know from experiences that I can handle suffering pretty well cause i've suffered most of my life. I just don't understand why God does what he does. I think noone deserves to hurt so badly. Why????? Haven't we suffered enough to deserve a fuckin' break already.
  2. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I am terribly sorry about the devastating events of this year. :console: I don't believe all of these events are even known to God but I have to admit I have trouble believing in the all- knowing and human values based deity of my Catholic upbringing. These terrible events happened and similar successions of devastating events happen to other people, I believe simply randomly so maybe you can detach from your feelings of abandonment by God.

    When loved ones in my life pass on I do not want to attend their wakes because I know the image of their lifeless body will dominate my memory of them. I hope that traumatizing image fades for you. I hope you can lose any feeling of responsibility for your fiancee's death.

    I hope your sciatica lessens so you can get back to work. Keeping busy usually lifts a person's mood and distracts from the flood of horrible thoughts that go hand in hand with being idle and enduring clinical depression.

  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you have to endure this awful pain that is grief.....I know how hard it is to go on without a loved one...I wish I could take your pain away...
    the only way to deal with grief though is to forge on through it...
    I hope your sciatica clears up so you can at least get back to work ...
    what are the doctors saying about it??
    I wonder if you got some grief counceling ?...
    please hold on and don't hurt yourself....
    although you may never totally get over your loss you will learn to manage it better and learn to live with it as time goes on....:hugtackles:
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