I don’t know what to refer to myself as anymore. I’d call myself depressed, but I swim in and out of that. To sum it up, I’d just call myself bloody insane. Who plots murders and thinks of killing people as opposed to actually solving the problems? Anyways, I’ve been this way since grade six. Now, here I am. I’ve got a girlfriend. I love her more than anything. I’m not sure what I’d do without her. My depressive thoughts have almost ceased (which I accredit to her), the thing that remains are my sporadic violent thoughts which seemed to have replaced the initial depression. When my girlfriend is happy with me, I’m great. When I’m with her, I’m great. When I’m not with her I’m okay. My moods fluctuate, but whatever I’ll live. When we’re not getting along, I go insane. I don’t like to go out that much anymore. She got me in some interesting problems, so I’m hanging in there with my family (when not plotting devious ways to blow up my house), but things are a bit shaky. She loves to go out, with some of my old friends conveniently enough. She gets mad at me when I don’t want to go out. But I don’t cause it’ll cause more tension in the family, which is in turn her fault. Not that I blame her for it really, it’s just a fact. Then eventually, she’ll get mad at me. I think she just waits until shit builds up, and then explodes, (kind of a parallel to my mental state if you think about it). Then she’s mad at me, and then I get displeased. When I get ‘displeased’ I get irrational, agitated, anxiety, depressed, angry, etc… it’s a real marry-go-round of emotions. Then, when I get like that, she gets mad at me even more, after yelling at me that I’m insane. Funny thing is, she tells me I’m insane, and then asks me why I’m acting like this. I don’t think she has added one and one together, (not that I’m a mathematician or anything.) Now here’s a funny thing. We get in arguments (for lack of a better word) a lot because, to put it bluntly, I’m a horn dog. And there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I get frustrated if I can’t, and I’ll pass on pretty much anything, or just procrastinate it as much as I can, just so we have some ‘free time’. Now, I’m not stupid enough to be blind to the fact this is clearly frustrating for her, and I don’t blame her for being a bit annoyed. I’ve said on many occasions that if I could kill my sex drive I would. Miraculously, I’ve found a way to kill it. And this is the funny part. I can kill my sex drive by being depressed! Isn’t that amazing? Here I was thinking that she had banished my depression for good. But apparently, what’s the one thing that can help our relationship? My being depressed! Amazing isn’t it. When I’m depressed, I’m not violent, I’m not agitated, I’m not anything. I just sit there, calm, and having only violent thoughts towards myself, not everyone else, (which is an improvement.) Anyways, I just needed somewhere to put that out there. I hope your situations are slightly less hopeless than mine. I’ve almost given up on trying. I’ll live for now, I have some things to do first. I plan to die, yes. But not right now. Anyways. That’s the endless circle of my life, and I can’t get out of it. I’m bound to be stuck in this endless loop of vicious emotions for the rest of my life. Until I chose to destroy their spawning grounds – me.