it's just a matter of time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by abcd, Nov 27, 2009.

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  1. abcd

    abcd Active Member

    I have been depressed most of my life (35+yrs). I don't know how to be anything else. I saw a therapist for almost 2 years and quit in July. I've recently started another one, but I don't know why I bother. I don't think I want to be better. I've tried 6 or so drugs, but the only thing they do is keep me from crying. I go over and over and over my suicide plan, I have a toy gun that I bought so that i could "pull the trigger" when I feel the worst. I've gone to the xxxxx but i've been too shy to ask anyone to show them to me. I tell myself that I no matter how badly I want to die, I can't do that to my parents. So I feel like i"m just waiting for them to die (they're in their mid-60's). But the wait is so miserable and I don't seem willing to do anything about it. I don't follow through with anything my therapist suggests. I just go there to be honest with someone for a few minutes. Well, not completely honest...she doesn't know about the XXX shopping. I'd be pretty stupid to mention that. She brought up ECT once, but I'm really worried about the memory problems. I barely function at work as it is.
    Not really sure why i'm posting this. i don't want to hear "it'll get better" blah blah blah. it can only get better if i work for it, and i'm obviously not willing to do that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2009
  2. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    Been there, done that. I am 50 years now of constant suffering. I do therapy on a regular basis. It took a few therapists before I became comfortable with them. If I didn't feel I was getting what I was looking for I didn't hesitate to change. I question all those who treat me. If I feel they don't listen I ask them to repeat what I had just said. I found some to be shallow and I found some to really want to help me.
    Its your life! Your the boss! Scream to them you want help!
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome. It is so difficult to see what one SHOULD be doing, and not do it...been there a lot in my life...draw a line in the sand and start working...little steps and much more genuiness in takes a bravery I am sure you have...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing...J
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have grown comfortable in your depression you know exactly what to expect so no hard work necessary. ECT does work for some people it takes more than one session though Ask you doctor about new meds out these days lots to try different ones. The only way things will change if is you step out of this comfort zone and try something new. take care.
  5. abcd

    abcd Active Member

    It's interesting how one can get so comfortable in something so miserable!
    The therapists aren't the problem. I liked the one I had before and I like the one I have now. They care. The problem is me. I won't do anything they suggest. Or if i do, it's a pathetic and short lived effort. I'm too lazy. It's funny how when you call yourself "lazy" docs think it's the depression/low self esteem talking. Doesn't it ever occur to them that the person might actually be lazy?

    The specialized nurse I see for my medicine management says she's exhausted the med choices....although I know I haven't tried ALL of them. Maybe she means I've tried all the major types.

    Thanks for your kind words. Again, not sure why i'm posting when I won't take any help. just venting i guess.
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