I have been depressed most of my life (35+yrs). I don't know how to be anything else. I saw a therapist for almost 2 years and quit in July. I've recently started another one, but I don't know why I bother. I don't think I want to be better. I've tried 6 or so drugs, but the only thing they do is keep me from crying. I go over and over and over my suicide plan, I have a toy gun that I bought so that i could "pull the trigger" when I feel the worst. I've gone to the xxxxx but i've been too shy to ask anyone to show them to me. I tell myself that I no matter how badly I want to die, I can't do that to my parents. So I feel like i"m just waiting for them to die (they're in their mid-60's). But the wait is so miserable and I don't seem willing to do anything about it. I don't follow through with anything my therapist suggests. I just go there to be honest with someone for a few minutes. Well, not completely honest...she doesn't know about the XXX shopping. I'd be pretty stupid to mention that. She brought up ECT once, but I'm really worried about the memory problems. I barely function at work as it is. Not really sure why i'm posting this. i don't want to hear "it'll get better" blah blah blah. it can only get better if i work for it, and i'm obviously not willing to do that.