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its just getting worse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by myrrdan, Apr 17, 2010.

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  1. myrrdan

    myrrdan Member

    it started over 20 yrs ago when my older brother died a week b4 my 14th bday.
    he was .. was the best brother anyone could ask for.
    never bullied us, never was mean to us when we pestered him,
    he spoiled us, played games & made life as awesome as he could for us.
    everyone life him, kids, adults, everyone. adults would stop him in the street to ask him questions and they actually listened to his answers.
    the last night i saw him we were all at the basketball court, i was watching because i couldn't play worth spit, when a cpl girls in my grade came up, they flirted with him but he ignored them, but the one girl i really had a crush on, though she didn't even know i existed. i got so angry that she ignored me & flirted with him that i told him i hated him & that i wished he was dead.
    i stormed home & didn' tsay anything more to him.
    the next day i was at my stepdads when we found out he drowned while fishing.
    its still devastating.
    for someone like that to be taken & me left ...
    me, a failure at almost everything i've ever tried, a futureless, jobless loner that nobody really sees.
    and i can never forget the words i said.
    i know that he never blamed me & that he forgave me before i even finished saying them. i know he knew i wasn't serious.
    but i still said them.
    i've punished myself since.
    every woman i could find that was bad for me, thats the one i fell for.
    but now, now its different,
    my liove, my fiance, she's the only woman i've met who i wanted to be with, the only one who made my heart sing just by smiling at me.
    the only woman who made me want a future.
    and now, i'm sick,
    i've had a headache for 1 1/2 yrs without pause.
    i have mental problems because i can barely sleep & the pain,
    my memory sucks, my thinking suffers, i have trbl doing most things,
    now i'm laid up & trying to get some answers,
    i'm alone, and she's on the other side of the country,
    she's got all her friends, work & everything, she goes & has fun with our friends,
    she does thing,s

    i'm stuck in a town 4 blocks by 5, with no way of getting anywhere,
    i've been back here for 7 months an di haven't seen ANY of my friends since before christmas, i've seen 6 family members, and thats it
    i hven't left the house except for dr appt or visit my grandma & aunt in months.
    i can barely walk a cpl blocks without needing to rest becaues i get so tired & disoriented

    now, now she's having to re-evaluate our relationship becuse she doens't know if staying with me & working through all thi sis worth it, she doens't know if i can give her the future she wants, the future she was sure i could before i got sick.
    she's taking away my chance, my hope, my future,
    i can't stand it, the thought of losing her hurts more than anything,
    i can barely sleep,
    i haven't been able to keep anything in my stomach for 5 days now, since she told me,
    i have health shakes that manage to stay down but thats about it,
    i'm falling apart and cna't stop it,

    i just want to give it all up, i want the pain to end, i want the agony to end,
    i'm getting worried with how my head is feeling, its getting worse and i spend almost all my time alone with my thoughts....
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: So sorry for what you're going through. Have the doctors been able to find anything, or give you any answers about what's happening?

    My PM box is always open if you want to talk.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope you are reaching out for some help talking to doctors getting answers. It is hard when you lose someone so close to you but know they are still there with you. they are wanting you to be strong to be happy not sad not blame yourself. I hope things work out okay for you keep demanding answeres okay and help for you
  4. myrrdan

    myrrdan Member

    i appreciate your concerns,
    its getting difficult with her acting like its ok & won't tal to me,
    i am trying to be strong but its difficult without her, she was really my only friend, none of the rest really care to talk with me,
    if she leaves me I really don't know wha ti'm going to do,
    she's my last chance to have a future, i'm getting too old & too timid to find another woman I can connect to. . :(
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