it's just me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lastgeneration93, Feb 2, 2011.

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  1. hey everyone...

    i'm new on here and basically just wanted to somehow try to write my problems off my soul, cuz i dont really know who i could talk to but i feel like i should talk to just someone, even tho i'm scared...

    but now for some reason, without really anything special happening, it all broke down on me tonight. ive been contemplatin suicide for around two years but never before it all felt so close and real like tonight, never before i was so serious about it. i just dont see any point in goin on, tryin again to get better only to fail miserably one more time. i feel like i'm too weak for this world, i'm not able to cope with the problems i'm facin. There seems to be no space for me in this world, and sometimes i wonder whether anyone would be happy i had been there if i was gone tomorrow. i'm afraid of being stuck in this sorrow forever, i'm afraid of my own future.

    i'm ready to leave. the only thing left to do is finishin off my suicide letter. i might not go to school tomorrow but somewhere else...i'm not sure. but i feel like it. i believe that suicides gonna relieve me from all pain and i believe in sthg way greater than we can even imagine to come after this life, so why should i stay if all i face here is misery?
    i'm sorry to waste your time with my meaningless problems while there are thousands of people out there who have to cope with way more difficult situations than i do...but despite of bein aware of this i'm losin my faith and my strength to go on...
     
  2. srhk24

    srhk24 Member

    Your problems are not meaningless- talk to us, we want to help. What is making you feel this way?
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i am glad you reached out and spoke what was inside of you. did something trigger this final emotion for you what happened. Can you go to school tomorrow and talk to a councilor there and tell how you are feeling. Tonight call crisis line okay and just talk to someone. I find hearing a real compassionate voice does help me see differently. Please keep talking to us here okay we are listen and yes you matter you are important so please keep reaching out for help
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...your pain is not meaningless...and you are not a waste...I am so glad you decided to share with us...I am sure there are many ppl here who would relate to what you are going through...please know you have a place here...PM me if I can help in any way...big hugs, J
     
  5. hey...thank you for all your support this really means a lot to me :)
    i didnt really go into detail bout my problems last evening cuz i was just too upset but fortunately only writin this calmed me down in some way and made me feel a little better. so i decided to go to school today and for now my suicidal feelings have even pretty much disappeared, tho ive got no clue for how long.

    anyway, ive been sufferin from depression for about two years and recently i feel more and more like there finally has to be some change cuz otherwise i wont cope. the thing is i'm kinda runnin outta time...it all started over three years ago. i had an injury at my knee which prevented me from doin any kind of sports basically for a longer time which really brought me down, more than it ever should have i guess, but anyway, it was a phase where i was alone kinda much, for the first time i really started to think about my life and ask myself certain questions. i started to really doubt in myself, to wonder whether i'm ever gonna be or reach anything. you should know i'm terribly shy, often literally afraid of talkin to someone, i just totally lack self confidence. i guess i just thought about everything way too much but i couldnt (and often still cant) help it. i somehow managed to lose more and more social contacts...basically goin to school was the only thing really where i had contact to others, there was no goin out in the evenin like all the others did, i was losin touch with my former best mate who went on to another school and so i managed to pretty much socially isolate myself. all this lead me into depression and suicidal thoughts. if i think now what its been like back then i really wonder why i'm still here.

    but anyway, as time passed by some things became better. i got back to social life somehow; theres one guy in my class who i think realized how i was strugglin and he really tried to help me. he made me come along when he was goin out with some friends in the evenings. i know he's been goin thru some tough phases in his life as well, after a common friend of ours comittin suicide at the age of 13... he was gettin better and now tryin to make me feel better too. and he did, no doubt i would be gone without him by now. and still he doesnt really know what i'm feelin like. ive never talked to him about feelin suicidal.
    anyway, as i said things seemed to get better and there were times where i already thought id be over my depressions. i was gettin back in touch with some old friends, i was even improvin on my shyness.

    but it was always only for a while. it was only a few good phases until i started to doubt in myself again. and now this is where i am. painfully shy still. and afraid of never reachin anything. my self confidence is lyin on the ground in a thousand pieces. i'm gonna finish off school this year and ive got no clue what i'm gonna do then. whichever job i think of i might be doin one day, theres a thousand reasons comin to my mind why that aint the right thing to do, why i'll fail in it. i know its kinda normal that you have doubts, but not in the way i do. it seems like everyone around me, really everyone, is doin better than me. i'm scared of everything thats about to come in my future. i'm scared i'm not gonna make it. scared enough that i'd rather kill myself than take the fight. ive tried so many times, i really tried to get out of this hole i'm stuck in, but everytime i do i fail. and now i find myself in the same situations sometimes like a year or two ago, and it seems that not a lot has improved. ive still got the same fears, i still seem to make the same mistakes. it's my unability of gettin out of this and my insecurity that are killin me. yes it's basically a mental thing. it may not seem that bad from an objective point of view. and yes, there are days on which i really feel bad for considerin suicide only cuz of these little problems while so many people cope with way harder situations. but i'm not choosin it. sometimes it gets better for a few days, but then i fall back again, wishin to die, and last evening was really heavier than ever before, without any certain trigger, only the usual problems...i need to find something to hold on to, something that offers me the strength for another try. i havent found anything yet...

    theres no one who knows about my feelings really, i think i did a pretty good job on hidin how i feel. i feel like talkin bout it now, but at the same time i'm afraid of tellin anyone...the only one who knows about it now (for a few days) is my dad (which is actually weird cuz he'd have been the last person i'd have talked to, but the thing is i had some kind of an examination lately to see whether i'm fit to go to the army (sorry i dont know the english expression for that) and i decided to answer the psychological questions truthfully so i was considered unsuitable for the moment (cuz of suicidal intentions), and well i had to tell my dad cuz he'd ask me...difficult thing kinda to understand, i know :) ) but i dont feel like he understands me
    anyway, i was advised to go see a psychologist, i also told my dad and he'd even pay for it, and i kinda think it'd be a good thing to do, i guess i could talk about it all to a complete stranger way rather than to someone i know. but the thing is i found out its like really expensive and i'm not sure whether my life's even worth that money...
    so this is basically why i signed up here, to be able to just tell anyone what i feel like in hope of makin it feel myself a little better. i'm sorry ive written so much now, but it just felt frickin good to get rid of it all for once. if you really kept readin until this point...thank you so much, this really means a whole lot to me. thank you for bein there :)
     
  6. spent the whole last evenin cryin in my bedroom. imaging every detail of the day i'm gonna do it, it just feels so relievin. ive stopped caring about things i should care about, it seems like all doors are closed except emergency exit. i'm losin control...
     
  7. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    There - you said it. See a Psychologist. That's what you need to do. It could be that you need to see a Psychiatrist. These feelings have been there for an awful long time now. You need to get them dealt with.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Time then to call for help for you okay call your doctor crisis line and get in to hospital where you will be safe and where you will get support to help you heal and feel better please make that call okay please stay safe
     
  9. okay so tomorrow i'm gonna see a psychotherapist for the very first time...feels kinda weird, somewhere between nervous, excited, lookin forward and doubts whether this is such a good idea
    well lets see...
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good for you getting an appt so quickly It will help you it will in that now you will have someone in your corner hugs
     
  11. wow never expected it to be that relievin :smile:
    todays just a really good day for once :yay:
     
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