it's just so much, yet not enough...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MorrighanNyx, Dec 14, 2008.

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  1. MorrighanNyx

    MorrighanNyx Member

    Every day is a struggle.

    I got back from my vacation today. I had gone to Orlando to visit with some friends and go to Disney for the first time, but i had to leave early to go to work. I spent a few hours at my mom's house just so I could sleep. on the way to her house I stopped to get gas, and found that none of my cards were working. Apparently the companies decided to freeze my account because I was traveling and they were unaware of the fact. I did call and try to get this straightned out, but the systems were updating.

    I begged my mom to let me borrow her computer for two minutes, just so I could check on some things, and she declined in a most nasty fashion. Long story short, i'm no longer welcome to call (my number is blocked) or return to that home.

    I truly don't know why I bother even trying to salvage a relationship with my parents. I have dealt with so much growing up. My innocence was stolen shortly after my mother married the jackass stepfather of mine. I guess it seems like the proper thing to do?

    I'm having so many problems with work. With the economy so bad, finding other work is hopeless and as it is I'm working over 80 hours a week just to make ends meet. (My friends pretty much paid for my vacation...the only reason I went). I'm burnt out, exhausted, and can't take any days off without throwing my clients for a loop.

    I've made so many stupid mistakes and I'm paying for them now. I can't keep paying though. It's like I have no one to turn to. I feel as if I don't have a single friend in the area I can talk to. Every call I've made has gone to voicemail. Neither of my roommates are home and in fact, one was rather nasty when I did manage to get a hold of her. She may be moving out and did not let me know if she'll be coming back.

    it's just so much. I know everything I say seems so silly, but it makes so much sense to me. I don't know what to do. Ending it all seems almost wise. I wouldn't have to bear all this pain anymore. I could escape.
  2. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Glad you're here, to let it out! Eventually we'll learn how to handle...I think we gotta always stand up and improve.. the reason we want to suicide is to end the pain.. BUT, the reason we MENTIONED on SF that we want to suicide, Means something else - we're trying to help ourselves to get through without suicide!

    So, be glad that you and I are here.. we may be luckier compared to people who are very..suicidal and didn't manage to get help or help themselves. But in peace to their souls.. they are in a peaceful place now.
  3. MorrighanNyx

    MorrighanNyx Member

    being at peace would be so great. I'm certainly not at peace now
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Morrighannyx,

    Welcome to SF, I am glad you found us :)

    Im sorry to hear you are feeling so low :hug:

    Suicide won't solve anything. I highly doubt you actually want to die..maybe you just want things to get better. If so, things can always get better so don't give up. Is there anyway you can see a therapist? :hug:
  5. MorrighanNyx

    MorrighanNyx Member

    Unless I go back to school (which requires me being accepted), I don't have access to a therapist.
  6. attack_amazon

    attack_amazon Well-Known Member

    Hey Morrighan, welcome to the board. I'm new, too, but I feel you with the economy freaking everyone out and just being tired and stressed about family issues. Friends and family often have their own problems and sometimes they just can't help, even if they want to. Sometimes it's just hard for them to understand what's wrong and why it's so hard, so they can be cruel without meaning to. But, I can probably say with some confidence that most of the people here, including myself, have been or currently are in the same predicament and don't want to see harm come to you.

    Suicide can seem like relief, but it's a permanent solution, and it's always a good idea to think over something permanent for awhile to make sure it's what you want. So, even if you feel like you don't have any other good choices now, give yourself a day or two at the least to think it over. You can always change your mind tomorrow, if your alive. In the mean time, there's a lot of stuff here to read and talk about to pass the time.
  7. MorrighanNyx

    MorrighanNyx Member

    Maybe it will get better one day, but that day cannot come soon enough.

    I'm so frustrated that no one will return my call. My roommates have deserted me.

    I give and I give and I give, yet I get nothing back in return. My thoughts, while so clear in my head for only a moment cannot be communicated.
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