I apologize for how long this is gonna be but I have to get it out. Maybe this isn't the right part of the forum for it an if it isn't I apologize for that too. First of all I have a plan already I just need to get the money to get a few things. I don't even know why I joined this site in the first place. Maybe it just has to do with my utter loneliness right now. I really have no one left to talk to an I desperately want to talk to someone before I close the curtain so to speak. I guess it all started almost 5 months ago when my fiance of 3 years ended things with me. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter together, she's so smart she's already talking in complete sentences. Anyways.....she dumped me the day after valentines day. I had been withdrawing an not talking to her as much for a few months before because.......well I don't even know why anymore. I stayed for a couple weeks sleeping on the couch, going to work an looking for a place. Then she did something and......I just had to leave. I went an stayed with a friend for a few weeks an then found a small room in a good area at a decent price. I have serious credit issues so nowhere but a private rental works for me. I wound up continuing work but hating it more an more everyday. I used to be a hardcore junkie, my main poison was hydromorphone (pain med) an everything else I could get my hands on. I was on a methadone program for 4 years an was doing well. When I was staying at my friend's place I started smoking pot again. An then.....I started lying again, just like I used to when I was a junkie. Making shit up that never happened an acting like my life was great. I even told everyone I'm joining the army (which was always my dream but it'll never happen). Then I got my tax return, nearly 5 grand an I pissed it away on nothing. An wound up having to give my ex over half of it so she anmy daughter wwouldn't wind up homeless. I started feeling less an less, doing less at work. The last 3 weeks I started doing heavier drugs again. Not my old "friend" (cuz I can't find it anywhere) but other shit just to stay sane. I'm late with rent, can't make my rent payment an am going to be homeless probably by tomorrow. I also last Monday gave my notice at work. Didn't even realize i was doing it until after I did it. I'm broke, tired, an the only thing I feel is lonely. My ex is seeing someone already an I haven't seen my daughter in a month. I want to but I'm scared, I don't want her to see me this way. I started cutting again too this timeon my upper thigh so no one sees at work(uniform things). I don't have any friends anymore, not real ones anyway. An I don't have anymore lies I can tell people. My life is a wasteland an I have no hope left anymore. <mod edit -methods>. I had nearly a dozen suicide attempts before I was 19. My arms have healed decently but if you look you can see they look like a war zone. I don't have any family (my mom died 3 years ago an I found her) an I can't talk to anyone anymore. I'm more terrified of everyone finding out what a fraud I am then of dying. I had it so together when I was with my ex. She really was my saving grace an the thing that kept my tattered soul together an going each day. An now I have nothing but lies an pain an hurt. I'm so fixated on dying now I......I just feel like its my time. Like I have no other reason to be here anymore. But I just wanna talk to someone before I turn out the lights.