It's just too much....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Johnny_Control6, Jun 9, 2015.

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  1. Johnny_Control6

    Johnny_Control6 New Member

    I apologize for how long this is gonna be but I have to get it out. Maybe this isn't the right part of the forum for it an if it isn't I apologize for that too. First of all I have a plan already I just need to get the money to get a few things. I don't even know why I joined this site in the first place. Maybe it just has to do with my utter loneliness right now. I really have no one left to talk to an I desperately want to talk to someone before I close the curtain so to speak. I guess it all started almost 5 months ago when my fiance of 3 years ended things with me. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter together, she's so smart she's already talking in complete sentences. Anyways.....she dumped me the day after valentines day. I had been withdrawing an not talking to her as much for a few months before because.......well I don't even know why anymore. I stayed for a couple weeks sleeping on the couch, going to work an looking for a place. Then she did something and......I just had to leave. I went an stayed with a friend for a few weeks an then found a small room in a good area at a decent price. I have serious credit issues so nowhere but a private rental works for me. I wound up continuing work but hating it more an more everyday. I used to be a hardcore junkie, my main poison was hydromorphone (pain med) an everything else I could get my hands on. I was on a methadone program for 4 years an was doing well. When I was staying at my friend's place I started smoking pot again. An then.....I started lying again, just like I used to when I was a junkie. Making shit up that never happened an acting like my life was great. I even told everyone I'm joining the army (which was always my dream but it'll never happen). Then I got my tax return, nearly 5 grand an I pissed it away on nothing. An wound up having to give my ex over half of it so she anmy daughter wwouldn't wind up homeless. I started feeling less an less, doing less at work. The last 3 weeks I started doing heavier drugs again. Not my old "friend" (cuz I can't find it anywhere) but other shit just to stay sane. I'm late with rent, can't make my rent payment an am going to be homeless probably by tomorrow. I also last Monday gave my notice at work. Didn't even realize i was doing it until after I did it. I'm broke, tired, an the only thing I feel is lonely. My ex is seeing someone already an I haven't seen my daughter in a month. I want to but I'm scared, I don't want her to see me this way. I started cutting again too this timeon my upper thigh so no one sees at work(uniform things). I don't have any friends anymore, not real ones anyway. An I don't have anymore lies I can tell people. My life is a wasteland an I have no hope left anymore. <mod edit -methods>. I had nearly a dozen suicide attempts before I was 19. My arms have healed decently but if you look you can see they look like a war zone. I don't have any family (my mom died 3 years ago an I found her) an I can't talk to anyone anymore. I'm more terrified of everyone finding out what a fraud I am then of dying. I had it so together when I was with my ex. She really was my saving grace an the thing that kept my tattered soul together an going each day. An now I have nothing but lies an pain an hurt. I'm so fixated on dying now I......I just feel like its my time. Like I have no other reason to be here anymore. But I just wanna talk to someone before I turn out the lights.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2015
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Please do talk to someone for real - not posting on here but actually talking to someone. Call (800) 273-TALK , or go to the hospital emergency room or call police and ambulance and tell them what is going on and your feelings. As well as getting help to stay safe, they will have you talk to a social worker that can put you in touch with programs to help you for detox, finding housing, and food until you get another job. If you go through with it you are going to just disappear, so just disappearing for a few days to get help will not matter in the least and what you tell people about where you went or why is up to you. If you go through with then all will certainly figure out what has been going on- this is a way to maintain your dignity and get back on track. Your daughter deserves to have a Dad as she grows up, and you deserve to have a chance to get it back together and start seeing her again so use the programs available to do that.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
     
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