It's Just Worse

[sweetsweet]

I recently decided to go back to school after failing at it before. This time it is a community college. I guess now that I am on meds and seeing a therapist things are suppose to be better but they're not. I feel even more like an outsider and freak and this campus is like 1/6 of the other on. At least there I had people who knew me. I know I can say eventually get to know people here but it really is different at this college and in this town. I have met a few people. But I don't even think it's the people that bothers me as much as being thrown back into the "real" world. I feel tired all the time now and really wish I could just get my hands on some good pills. I use to be able to get Valium but that source is temporarily gone. I remember hearing about Heath Ledger and thinking that's what I need to do except on purpose. But actually getting drugs online is harder than what people made it out to be. Like 95% of the sites look like scams. I'm just surprised I found on that actually delivers. It just too bad they don't sell any really heavy stuff.

So must would say just stick with schoold but I could give a fuck about classes. I am just doing what I need to make it look like I'm trying. I see everyone else around me taking notes and actually trying. It makes me sad and amuses me at the same time. So this coming up week I am looking for hard pills and learning the noose method. The times I've tried before just ended up strangling me in a strange way where I was barely losing consciouness. I'm just doing something wrong but I'm sure it can be fixed. If push comes to shove I'll just do something like I did before and completely shut down a couple of vital organs. Hopefully they wouldn't come back this time. My life would be so much better if I had never fully healed from the first time.

 

[Bawsed]

I know what that feels like. After my last attempt, I've grown rather murderous in how I look at other people. Instead of seeing faces I should be bonding with, I wonder how they'd look dead (they say when you hang yourself, your face gets bloated and purple from the lack of oxygen, and all the blood rushes to your eyes making them red).

So I took a leave of absence from my job and went back home.

If you have family, go to them immediately. I lost my nerve when I saw my neices. And my father. You can't even imagine how absolutely horrid it feels trying to have a normal relationship with your father when you know he's both judging you and holding onto every minute with you, because he knows it might be his last.

If you even have a little bit of care for any of your family, their better than strangers to suffer with anyway.