I recently decided to go back to school after failing at it before. This time it is a community college. I guess now that I am on meds and seeing a therapist things are suppose to be better but they're not. I feel even more like an outsider and freak and this campus is like 1/6 of the other on. At least there I had people who knew me. I know I can say eventually get to know people here but it really is different at this college and in this town. I have met a few people. But I don't even think it's the people that bothers me as much as being thrown back into the "real" world. I feel tired all the time now and really wish I could just get my hands on some good pills. I use to be able to get Valium but that source is temporarily gone. I remember hearing about Heath Ledger and thinking that's what I need to do except on purpose. But actually getting drugs online is harder than what people made it out to be. Like 95% of the sites look like scams. I'm just surprised I found on that actually delivers. It just too bad they don't sell any really heavy stuff. So must would say just stick with schoold but I could give a fuck about classes. I am just doing what I need to make it look like I'm trying. I see everyone else around me taking notes and actually trying. It makes me sad and amuses me at the same time. So this coming up week I am looking for hard pills and learning the noose method. The times I've tried before just ended up strangling me in a strange way where I was barely losing consciouness. I'm just doing something wrong but I'm sure it can be fixed. If push comes to shove I'll just do something like I did before and completely shut down a couple of vital organs. Hopefully they wouldn't come back this time. My life would be so much better if I had never fully healed from the first time.