It's killed me once, it can kill me again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pentacle, Jul 12, 2008.

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  1. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    Drink, meds, fags!


    That is all.

    I wonder if they'll bother to revive me this time?

    Ohhh, gotta lock meself away so the kids don't find me xD

    Becca, I love you.
  2. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    what happened?
  3. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    It is like Karma hates me.

    She saw what I did to him and is punishing me for it.

    She knows I'm suffering spiritually, emotionally and physically and is letting me suffer.
    I must have done something so bad, something so terrible because this world hates me so much right now.

    There is something more then face value with me, isn't there?

    I'm here, I try to love everyone I know because that is how I want to be treated yet Karma just turns around each time and slaps me right square in the face.

    Love is such a fickle emotion... I loved him with all my heart, body and soul and now it's been torn into a million tiny pieces. Someone ran out of super glue after my body killed itself...

    That is another thing about me... no one ever understands what I do when I do it, but he knew. He understood...

    Why? What did I do so fucking wrong that it ended up this way?

    What has life got to offer someone like me? Life is just some fucking game and I'm loosing big time. I just want to leave and be done with it, go on my next journey because even if it is just as painful as this one, it would at least be a change of scenery...
  4. tintin

    tintin Guest

    big sis :sad:
    remember everything you say to me when i feel like that.
    remember everything i said on msn last night, I cant lose you your my big sis and i LOVE you.
    hun give it time with him .. maybe things will change if not try get a fresh start move somewhere and start afresh ...
    you will have your white picket fenced dream house. i promise you hun i do.
    i love you please hold on
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2008
  5. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    xD Move somewhere? Like a different country? I've done that.

    It didn't work... I'm still being plagued by these memories that I don't want and this hurt and pain.

    Just everywhere...
  6. tintin

    tintin Guest

    I know hun i no.
    Im so sorry you have had to go through all what you have. You didn't deserve any of it and you don't deserve the way he is treating you either.
    Your an amazing lady. So strong and thoughtful and if the world loses you, it would have lost a wonderful person.
    I don't want you to go. Call me selfish but i need you.
    I love you big sister
  7. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    But this world has a vendetta against me... it takes everything I love and care for and cherish and wraps it up in one big bubble and parades it out of my reach and in front of my face.
  8. tintin

    tintin Guest

    I know hun. I know. You can hold on.. remember your not alone. Me and you together. We will fight this. Remeber :handinhan
    I Love You Big Sister.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I don't know what memories you face or what is happening now, but I do know this isn't the way to be rid of them. You have people that love you and are willing to help give you support to get you through. Take things one step at a time. As you make it past one day, then get through the next. Small steps forward. You can do this. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2008
  10. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member


    i hope talking this morning helped just a little , i feel ur hurt and pain , i wish i could take it away and leave u ready to live a happy life , i cant hunni noone can but like steve and i were saying , u can fight it all tho u have been through such an awful time ur still worth it hunni so very worth a taste of happiness , please stay and try hun , lean on us


    jo xx
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2008
  11. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    Some times, though, when I'm laying awake at night, I'm staring through the window at the stars, sometimes at a storm cloud, or a full moon and I try to kid myself that when the sun rises, it signals a new day so everything will change.

    But nothing does change. Everything is still the same. The Past is still haunting, the future is no where to be seen and the present is down some dark pit somewhere.
    It is just one vicious spiral, it has no end, no beginning and it is always going down; there is no way to stop it, it is never ending.

    Wallowing in self pity is one thing... that is when the attention seeking aspect comes into feelings like this... I want people to see me down a hole, so they can see what the World and her neighbour has done to me.
    I want people to take a look at me and think "Hey, one of these days I'm going to tell that girl I love her and mean it. I'm not going to twist it into some freaking mind game and I'm certainly not going to hand her a shovel to dig herself deeper into that grave she has for herself. You know what, I might even give her a helping hand out of it."

    I've always been strong for everyone I know. I've always been the strong independant, dependable one. I've always been the one with a voice and an opinion to match. I'm the intelligent one, the literate thinker, the promising one. I've always been the believer in others, the lover, the nurse, the mother. I've been giving my whole life to other people and now there is nothing left for myself.

    I'm just not strong enough any more and sometimes I wonder: If strength is what is takes to live, then I'm certainly not living. Existing is the word for me. I'm just existing. And if existing means you make an imprint on someone, then I'm barely even existing.

    Then it gets to the point in a post where you stop, and re read what you've written. You anticipate the replies... I can see people giving me strength through their words but then there is always that little person inside of me telling me that they're only saying that to be nice to me. It is telling me that because of the facade of the writing, there is a secret agenda... One to gain my trust only to break it and leave me open for another attack.
    Then I can see the vicious attacks, the ones blatantly designed to hurt and insult. then it gets to the point of the post where you wonder is it even worth it to post, is it worth the effort just to see if someone else is going to hurt me...

    Is it worth being cautious any more?
  12. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    there are better people out there. They are rare but theyre out there. If ur partner is making you feel bad because of the abortion and wont change his mind then maybe you've just gotta ignore it. Thats the way he's dedicated his belief system. But what does he expect you to do about it? it was 3 years ago.

    or i mite be off topic totally.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2008
  13. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    It isn't just that... it is a bit of everything...
    The abortion was one thing, the rape was another...
    The memories and flashbacks and the pain that I still feel is what will kill me.
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Good Morning,
    I don't know what has brought you to this point. I do know one thing you need all the support you can get. Have you tried setting small goals? Each time you succeed at one that is a positive thought. You can bank those thoughts and use them when you need to. I know it sounds cazy but it does work. You can decide what the goal will be. If for some reason you don't acheive a goal don't fret it you can always come back to it later.
    I wish you all the best,Good luck.:chopper:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2008
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