It's killing me

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Scum, Mar 18, 2009.

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  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    That's right, it's actually physically killing me. SI, that is. I'm petrified about what is happening to my body, yet I can't stop. They arew now talking about me having to get myself the necessary treatment, or they will look to section me to make sure I get it.

    I'm such a mess. I just can't believe I'm back here again. So very seriously ill. I can't believe this.
     
  2. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    by killing yourself on the outside, you wont kill that feeling on the inside.. maybe just numb out that feeling for a while..

    :hug:
     
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply :)

    I'm not trying to kill the feeling on the inside, unfortunately. It's a bit complicated (so much so that I don't really understand it) but I only SI when dissociated to a certain extent and I receive commands for what to do and the dissociation carries them out. This 'slow suicide' was essentially a compromise with the dissociation against immediate suicide, and whilst it worked, I still have to keep doing it to ensure it is 'good enough'. I've been in this place before. My blood level was a quarter of what it should have been and all the medical professionals were baffled as to how I was alive because I should have been dead ages before. They even did the tests more than once to ensure that the test wasn't messed up. My brain sees it as a challenge-to get lower than I was before and still live, I think, but that will probably kill me because my body is far more damaged now than it was then.

    I just want it to go away. I know it won't, but I would love to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand and ignore it. Ignore the chest pain, ignore the palpitations, ignore the breathlessness, the constant coldness, ignore the extreme fatigue. Just ignore it all.

    They told me I had to go to my GP, which I am doing, but I desperately don't want to be admitted to hospital, medical or mental. I'm petrified.
     
  4. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    I know you're terrified my friend, but surely the alternative to this bloodletting can't be any worse. Being interned at a clinic or ward may be scary (or it may not, you never know) but it's at least a better guarantee of your survival. You've come so far already. All it takes is one more brave step. I know its easier said than done, but its you're only option in my opinion.
     
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thank you. A lot of those words make sense.

    They (being my T, the psych and my GP) want to avoid sectioning me if possible, so basically they want me to get the transfusions myself, voluntarily, without them forcing me too. I have made an appointment with my GP but not until next week. I sort of thought then I get a week to carry on.

    If I haven't got a 'good enough' level, then I'll feel worse, and a failure. If I have 'achieved' a 'decent' level then I'll probably be quite proud. Man this is SO twisted. The levels I want to achieve are levels that should kill me, but I don't think I'm doing it to die. I don't know though.
     
  6. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    Hey there you have helped me alot,given me some good advice and reached out to me which i thank you for,right now i can feel your pain and want to say please get the help you need,dont let self harm beat you xx
     
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply. I have done what needs to be done. Made the GP appointment to keep my T happy. I just feel really, really low. I've spent all day supporting somoene, and all yesterday too. I'm so completely drained. I do this and as I'm doing it, I'm like 'why ythe hell am I doing this' and yet I still do it because I can't not.

    I just can't. I want to bleed everything out. Bleed it all out. Then everything will be ok.
     
  8. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    Dont bleed hun,go to gp and get sorted,its not worth risking your life,please put yourself first for a while,im useless at giving advice,but no exactly what you saying,im here if you want to talk:hug::hug::hug:
     
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks Amanda. I do have an appointment and will go, just in between now and then I have to go it 'good enough'. I'll be fine. I ALWAYS am.
     
  10. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    Hey friends call me mandy,please stay safe,we both no this isnt the answer,you can get over this,it takes time and you got us here in the mean time.xx
     
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks Mandy. To be honest, I'm not sure I'll ever get over this as a whole, although I may make it through this 'episode'. Sorry, I'm just feeling really low. I'm a nightmare to try and support, sorry.
     
  12. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    Sorry your feeling so low,but you can do this,please stay safe :console:
     
  13. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    Hope your ok :hug:
     
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks fr the replies, and for thinking fo me :) I'm as ok as yesterday. Still doing 'it', still breathless and struggling, but still here. Very, very tired.

    I'm really struggling being without my T. I've seen her twice this week already but won't be seeing her until Monday. It seems like such a long time and each day is just so so long. I can call her if I'm in acute crisis, but she can't actually do muxh.

    I'm so confused about all this. Can I sotp it? Can't I? Should I stop it? Shouldn't I? Is this me doing this? Is it someone else? Is it something in my brain doing this? I need someone to explain it all to me, but no one can because it;'s all locked inside me.
     
  15. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    Im sorry this is such a struggle right now,just wish i new what to say.As you no i sh as well and i pretty much no why i do it,what im trying to say is,do you no what makes you do it?Im not much help i no that but im here listening to you,keep talking hun someone here might have a answer x
     
  16. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    IT's today. Today I know. I'm facing a section by the end of the day if things are bad :(
     
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