It's late and I'm wondering

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kinglonely, Sep 11, 2013.

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  1. Kinglonely

    Kinglonely Member

    I haven't been on here in a long time. It feels funny coming back because when I was here the first time is right when I was spiraling into my crisis mode. I guess I came on here to see if I was still alone in my thought process and even though I know I am not i just seem not to care. I overdosed about a year ago and went through the typical motions. I stayed clean for several months developed a plan to get me out into the world but I freaked out and backed out at the last minute. Maybe I set the bar to high. But here I am again practicing the same destructive behaviors and the people around me either don't notice or are to consumed with their own problems and issues to care. But I see the patterns and know where to road is leading. Just wondering if there's a way out of this. I have dreams like everyone else but I don't think I have the capabilities to get them to be reality. If life is this repetitive I find it hard to see a point in going through the same day to day motions. Well I've rambled on long enough so I will just leave it at that.
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi
    I am so glad you "backed out at the last minute" from your plan. Patterns are pretty hard to break. sometimes it takes working on it with a professional until there is a new pattern so established that the old pattern is no longer the default, if you know what I mean. That takes time and so much dedication. It takes time and dedication and I think working with a professional for those dreams to become reality. Again, I do think it can be done.

    I am glad you thought to come back here. Because I do believe that many people here can relate to what you speak of.
     
  3. Kinglonely

    Kinglonely Member

    Well the plan was to better myself and do some good. I don't think that it was a good thing to back out of. I just got scared. And I've gotten professional help in the past through a couple rehabs and other professionals and nothing really stuck.
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I know what you mean when you say nothing has ever stuck. I wonder if that is because the work was not supposed to stop. Sometimes its an ongoing process. Or thats what I think. I think its like a recovery program. Its ongoing. As long as people keep with the program then hopefully they will not slide back. i think that when the counselling and the recovery programs stop, then people can be at great risk for sliding back. So I do think that its an ongoing process. I made the mistake of stopping counselling. I slid back. I cant sustain these things on my own. I need a recovery program of some sort. Ongoing.
     
  5. Kinglonely

    Kinglonely Member

    I mean that's the other thing. I'm not sure I even know if I wanna get better. And I definitely don't wanna go through the process of seeing doctors every week for the rest of my life. That's not living to me just getting by. It's a catch 22 type situation.
     
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I understand what you are saying. I guess I was thinking more in terms of continuing support for increased quality of life. Even if its not counselling per se. Perhaps support groups. I am not sure that continued support means that the quality of life doesnt increase. But I do know its different for different people. So I really hear ya.
     
  7. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    I think it is very promising that you can look at your behaviors and symptoms and know where they are leading and that you need help. That tells me that you have the potential to make it happen for yourself.

    It may require a lot of patience at first - step a foot out into the world, pull back and get where you are safe and supported, try again, etc. Eventually, just the knowledge that you can always "back out" if the world gets too scary will be enough to keep you feeling safe in the world for long periods. You will develop coping skills and strategies to "right" yourself when things get out of balance, and at the extreme end, you will be able to get help if you get into crisis mode. But that will become less and less often.

    I have only been here a little while, so I don't know you very well, but from what you wrote, that is one very possible vision for your future. And, starting where we all are (so distraught that death actually looks attractive), that doesn't sound like a bad picture. What do you think?
     
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