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It's like you've made a decision...

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nolonger

Well-Known Member
#1
So next wednesday I have some 'initial consultation' with a psychiatrist - I think. I don't really know who I'm meeting, it's to do with some kids mental health unit thing(?). 2 weeks ago I had to talk to someone over the phone about my whole mental state, most of my answers consisted of 'yes's or maybe a couple of 'no's. Then the person that I spoke to meets up with all the other people and they 'evaluate' each others 'cases' to see who needs the most attention/help immediately etc etc.

Well it's got me thinking, has anyone here found talking to what/whoever you're referred to, pointless? It's like I've made a decision, about suicide. I've hated myself/life to the point that it's become repulsive in general. I won't get better. But I get people saying I can 'recover', that it's just an illness. How much of it is really an illness? When I just don't want to be here? I'd say 99% of everything around me is a trigger, so feeling content is rare. The only time I seem to feel good is, funnily enough, when I'm thinking of suicide. You get this really good feeling, when you've made up your mind. It's like you don't have to care about anything anymore, because you'll be dead by <insert date>.

Then you have those that say things like 'Suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem'. But what if it isn't just a "temporary problem"? If the problem is you, and that you can't change a thing about anything, what's the point?. At that point in time, death becomes a viable option. "You can't feel anything when you're dead" - well good. I'd rather be dead and non-existent than alive and miserable.

Some people are lucky enough to never strongly consider suicide. I honestly don't know how anyone can not consider suicide. If I was given the option to accept or reject life, with a bit of foresight, I would clearly reject it. No one wants something that's broken. And just because it's broken, doesn't mean you can fix it.

Anyway, the point of this was to ask, what's the point in going to therapy if you've already decided that you're 'leaving' by a certain time and that you don't generally change your mind?
 
#2
i've been 100% certain i wanted to die more than a few times in my life. made actual, serious, attempts three different times. after two years of intensive therapy, a diagnosis of bipolar (at age 42) and some new meds i can honestly say i'm glad my attempts didn't work and i've 100% changed my mind. your thinking can change. you just have to be around to see it.
 

Lone_Wolf

Well-Known Member
#3
When we are ill it is hard to see the positive in life. Im going through something similar. When I'm at the hardest parts its hard to try to live through it all. Remember you can pull through! Let them help you.
 
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