it's mid-life one please read

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Insignificant, Oct 30, 2007.

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  1. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i have been actually doing quite well, but now i find myself in a bit of a spot that i cannot find my way out of. last nite i was sitting at my kitchen table and i picked up my journal and pen and began to write. i found myself writing about a problem i have had for years and years. please note that this is something i have never ever discussed with anyone else. most of the time i find myself just tolerating it. i've tried countless, and i do mean countless times to try and resolve this issue but everytime i do i find myself just making matters worse. i am now finding myself in a position where i don't know that i can tolerate this much longer. it's literally destroying everything. how do you move past something you cannot find your way through?

    well, today i picked up the pen again more difficulties began to surface. this time leading to the incredible desire to just shut up, and to shut myself away from the world. this is all just tearing me apart. i am finding me seriously asking myself why continue on when i know all i'm going to do is continue to make things worse and worse for myself. it's certainly not that i want to but that is just how it always ends up. i'm convinced that my children don't need this embarrassment called a mom. i figure they'll eventually see things for what they really are and then they'll surely want nothing to do with me. i'm truely such an idiot and such a waste of space. i'm not totally down enough to kill myself just yet - thanks to ECT, but yet logically i see no point in continuing on. it honestly would be better that i were dead then no one would have to tolerate my stupid ass. i am seriously nothing but a drain on society. i am serving no useful purpose here. this is where all this has led me. i want nothing more than to desperately try and find a way through all this, but i know in my heart there is no way. i'm afraid the end isn't far away.

    i'm sorry to have burdened you with all this. it probably doesn't even mean anything at all. that's my life for ya. i'm sorry i'll let you go just know i don't know how much longer i want to hang on.
     
  2. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    Im sorry to hear that you are so depressed. In truth my mother committed suicide when I was five and it affected me in a profound way. All I could say is that although I barley new her, I miss her dearly and I don't think there is a child anywhere who would want to see their mother dead.
     
  3. whatshername

    whatshername New Member

    Insignificant, I feel the same. I'm a mum, kids over 16 yrs. I'm just an embarrassment as well, don't want to do this anymore! I've held everything together for many years now, I've had enough! I would like to know your probs, maybe I can help, you know, the blind leading the blind sorta thing.:smile:

    Anyway you're not alone. I'm listening to Kite atm by U2.


    whatshername
     
  4. mad hatter

    mad hatter Active Member

    please dont do it
    spill your heart out to me....i know it will help
    mad
     
  5. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    thanks for your replies. i believe i've managed to get things back into check at least for the moment. i totally realized that this was just going to tear me apart. it's still there, but for the moment i've decided to put this stouf in a room with the door closed most of the way. i won't close it all the way so i forget about this stouf. i want to get it resolved, but i figure i will take it up with my therapist when she gets back next week. it's been working to have it in a room, and no i haven't forgotten about it just patiently waiting for my time to share it with my therapist. again thanks for sharin'. please take care
     
  6. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    I hope you feel better
     
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Liz, I am so sorry you were feeling as you were last week. i do hope that when your therapist gets back, you are able to discuss this with her. Yes we do learn how to put things in a room or on a shelf and have it wait for the right time, but sometimes it doesn't want to stay there. You are never far from my thoughts even though we haven't talked much lately. I am sorry for that too. Please take care. You are a good person and I your children should not be embarrassed to call you mom. :hug:
     
  8. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    well, the time is approaching tomorrow that i speak with my therapist. while at one point and time i was ready to share this with her i am just sincerely not so sure now. i know i should. i do know this, but i know as soon as i look at what i have written i will begin to minimize it immediately. trying to mentally prepare myself to do this is bringing all this stouf back to life, and certainly hard enough to function again. i'm just thankful i don't have to work tomorrow. it is truely a bitch when i'm feeling like this. i just don't know what to do. i mean i do know, but then again i don't. i'm so torn. how should or could i handle this that it doesn't get the best of me? or should i just lock it up in the room? it's a tough one to figure out. just wonderin' i guess if anyone has any suggestions. please help if u can that is. if u can't i understand. please take care
     
  9. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    I know how difficult it is to share your problems with someone, especially if you thought that you had dealt with them in the past. In truth, there are countless variables to contend with in deciding if you are going to share this information, however the most important thing to remember is that if this is affecting your life so much you are going to have to deal with it one way or another so even if you don't tell anybody, it is still going to be affecting you. One way or another it seems that you are going to have to deal with this, if so then it would be better to deal with it with another person who you can trust to help you through your situation. In any case, I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow.
     
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