i have been actually doing quite well, but now i find myself in a bit of a spot that i cannot find my way out of. last nite i was sitting at my kitchen table and i picked up my journal and pen and began to write. i found myself writing about a problem i have had for years and years. please note that this is something i have never ever discussed with anyone else. most of the time i find myself just tolerating it. i've tried countless, and i do mean countless times to try and resolve this issue but everytime i do i find myself just making matters worse. i am now finding myself in a position where i don't know that i can tolerate this much longer. it's literally destroying everything. how do you move past something you cannot find your way through? well, today i picked up the pen again more difficulties began to surface. this time leading to the incredible desire to just shut up, and to shut myself away from the world. this is all just tearing me apart. i am finding me seriously asking myself why continue on when i know all i'm going to do is continue to make things worse and worse for myself. it's certainly not that i want to but that is just how it always ends up. i'm convinced that my children don't need this embarrassment called a mom. i figure they'll eventually see things for what they really are and then they'll surely want nothing to do with me. i'm truely such an idiot and such a waste of space. i'm not totally down enough to kill myself just yet - thanks to ECT, but yet logically i see no point in continuing on. it honestly would be better that i were dead then no one would have to tolerate my stupid ass. i am seriously nothing but a drain on society. i am serving no useful purpose here. this is where all this has led me. i want nothing more than to desperately try and find a way through all this, but i know in my heart there is no way. i'm afraid the end isn't far away. i'm sorry to have burdened you with all this. it probably doesn't even mean anything at all. that's my life for ya. i'm sorry i'll let you go just know i don't know how much longer i want to hang on.