It's more difficult than you would believe.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by IWillProveIt, May 21, 2016.

  1. IWillProveIt

    IWillProveIt New Member

    I never thought I would become suicidal or even consider it as an option, but then...
    I never really wanted to die, but living out of a society's sick need to keep a useless pile of flesh 'alive' because the organism's death would somehow be bad, is so empty. Okay society, if death is so bad for me, make my life seem less bad than death. Anything less would be immoral at best.

    I'm in need of love very very badly, but I'm sickly. My body was created to kill me at puberty. Doctors managed to keep me alive, prevent my inevitable death. No one considered that I would need friendship or a relationship. I had hope for 10 years when I discovered dating sites, but no luck. I became ashamed of what I am, and lost the drive to send messages. Recently I've found that most forums don't want to let me post for this purpose, either. I'm a genetic mistake and am not allowed to be happy or die.

    Except they didn't expect that I'd be intelligent and have creative drive. I will find a way to get a relationship, even though I don't get out much, even though I am too hopeless to go to college or get a job or get my drivers license, even though I'm poor and could die suddenly, even though I'd probably be too much of a burden. <mod edit - guidelines>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2016
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum @IWillProveIt
    Would you consider going to college or volunteering to try and meet people?
     
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  3. IWillProveIt

    IWillProveIt New Member

    I'm too far gone for that. I tried both, but my health didn't allow me to complete anything.
    Personal daily help seems necessary, but it's not available.
    It's all caused by the negative reactions I've gotten from single people about every condition that I have.
    I even did a social experiment on people, since you don't know that I'm sick unless I tell you.
    Even my doctor doesn't see me as a human being who deserves and needs love.

    The way I test them is:
    I say that I'm having trouble getting a girlfriend.
    They usually give a line about what a great guy I am and I'll find someone someday.
    I say that I am thinking of dating someone who is disabled or has a mental illness.
    They give me a disgusted look and say that I don't have to lower my standards.
    ^ ^
    That's hate speech, by the way.
    It shows that they do not regard me as human.

    In the case of my doctor, my social skills made her mistake me for a normal person, so I had to sternly remind her that I am technically both disabled and mentally ill.
    Social skills are superficial. Don't use them to judge the quality of a person. Disability and mental illness and even poverty are also not good reasons to judge someone as not worthy of a relationship.
    Major Depression ( low energy, weakness, no motivation )
    Social Anxiety ( history of being in hostile social environments, lack of social experience )
    ADD ( can't get act together, can't keep to a schedule )
    Crohn's Disease ( very low energy, expensive monthly meds )

    I realize that seeking love on the Internet is considered a recipe for disaster, and asking on forums wasn't my first choice, but dating sites are only for elitist snobs with education and jobs and no diseases. It's too bad that all those bad people have ruined the Internet for people like me who actually have a legitimate need.

    I can guarantee without a doubt that once I get my first long term offline girlfriend, my depression will start to fade away. After all, once the cause is dealt with, the symptoms will subside, and that's the cause. I'm too depressed to show interest in much anymore, to pursue my favorite things, to get out much, and now the only connection I could share with a woman would be the conscious pursuit of a stable relationship.
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    That kinda is the catch-22 about dating online (for a lot people) and having unrealstic expectations it will be the perfect match without putting much effort to it.

    Being happy with yourself and having that confidence will attract the partners vs being depressed and expecting having the partner will fix that for you isn't going to attract them in the first place IMO. So it is a kind of a tough spot to be in making it more of a challenge but its not impossible. Just increase your odds running into that special someone by going places. Grab coffee, go to the park and relax/be out and about. Etc.

    Good luck
     
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  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I agree with Drownedfishonfire, getting out and being yourself as you are, the real you. It's more than the physical appearance it's the spirit within that will make the connection. You come across as intelligent and caring use the qualities you have and put yourself out there. Good luck and take care.
    Brian
     
  6. IWillProveIt

    IWillProveIt New Member

    Yeah, I know. I get out when I can. Haha, after ten years of looking online, my only standards are attraction, not yelling a lot, and not being fatter than me. Taking offense at things is pretty childish, too, but I try to tolerate it until it becomes a problem.

    I've actually tested my depression symptoms over the last decade. I've measured that it can take as little as two weeks for my most disabling symptoms to subside just from meeting someone and connecting with them emotionally. But sadly it's an offline thing, and I don't come across many unattached women when I'm out.
    The worst symptom of depression is feeling like my body is going to break down from just a little bit of exercise. I used to think it was the Crohn's, but I found out recently, even the joint pain is depression.

    I don't really have an expectation that a partner will magically fix me. I know it pretty scientifically by now.
    My main roadblock is getting out there. I've asked for help, and I've offered to go with others, even posted on Craigslist a few times, but no dice.
     
  7. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Have you tried signing up with a website such as meetup.com? You can just join a group that interests you and show up.
     
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  8. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    I hear you man for sure.