it's mostly guilt that keeps me going

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by stroopy, Jan 30, 2011.

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  1. stroopy

    stroopy New Member

    I've been depressed for years now, it's came and went, gotten better and gotten worse.

    I've attempted a few times and (thankfully) survived. I've met a wonderful woman and married her in July. My life is pretty awesome all things considered. I got a pretty good job a few months ago, the money is pretty good and although my boss hates me (I'm not being dramatic, he's a dick and he hates me) I've pretty much got it made...

    So why do I still struggle sleeping? Why do I still lay awake at night wanting to kill myself?

    It was so easy to understand back when I was an awkward, ugly, socially inept teenager. I'm now a 22 year old engineer with a gorgeous wife and I still wish I was dead sometimes. Most of the time.

    I've been to the doctor about it. I'm in a queue to see a therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist but NHS waiting list means I've still got a few weeks / months to wait. The last time I got one appointment, was told the psychologist would get in touch with me to book a regular appointment and I never heard back.

    My wife's ex boyfriend - the last guy she was in a serious relationship with before me - killed himself about 8 months before we met.

    Sometimes I feel like she only married me to fill the gap he left in her life. Sometimes the only thing stopping me from doing it is not wanting to put her through the pain again because I don't think she could take it again.

    I can talk to her really openly about my depression. We actually met when she was organising a gig to raise money for PAPYRUS (a really good anti-suicide charity, in case anyone out there isn't familiar with them, look them up: and she booked my band to play. I can talk to her about being depressed, I can even talk to her when I want to kill myself and she's always there to calm me down.

    I don't know if I can tell her that I sometimes feel like a replacement for who she lost though. I think it would break her heart and I can't do that to her.

    On an unrelated note: I love spider-man and absolutely love this smiley!:spidey:

    Top marks to whoever put that one in there.

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...if you feel in crisis see if the appointment can be moved up...I know there are systems to deal with but it is worth a try...and so glad you shared with us...please continue to tell us what is going on and PM me if I can help in any way...J
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Well.. I've learned that some people get "used" to the suicidal idealizations and feelings. This tends to somehow warp into a sort of comfort for the person who has the idealizations. I'm not sure if that is what you are going through, but it is a possibility. I would see someone about it though. They may be able to tell you more. Anyway, welcome to SF and I hope you feel better and get the help you need. :hug:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think your GP needs to listen better and put you on some meds until you get in to see your therapist. something to help control these suicdal thougts If you get bad just go to emergency okay get pdoc there assess you and get you on something to make you feel better hugs
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Ah....the brilliant NHS.

    I suppose we are lucky that we have this as we don't have to pay for our medical care, but the waiting lists for psych are silly. I feel just because it isn't a physical condition not as much money is given to mental health services as others. I mean, I have been given an appointment for plastic surgeons appointment (no not a boob job or cosmetic lol - to do with a needle in my arm) within 3 weeks of going to my GP. In that time I have had an x-ray which I had to be booked in for, been back to my GP and had to wait for him to do the referral and then book an appointment. Some of the reason why it has been as long as it has is because of me not being able to get to the GP surgery. Yet, a referral from Psych for psychanalytic therapy - 18MONTHS!

    Also, if you have been suicidal before it can get very easy to slip back in to that way of thinking. It doesn't necesarily mean that you are suicidal having the thoughts of suicide and death. But it can become a habit that is hard to break.

    There are usually free services that are not run by the NHS for counsellling etc. I think connexions offers a free service to under 25's, try also the samaritans. Look up re-think also as you may be able to get free services in your area.

    Go back to your GP and ask for some sleeping pills or a anti-depressant which helps you sleep such as mirtazapine. If you are generally feeling ok, don't worry too much as I said it could be that you had a habit of thinking in a suicical way and you have reverted back to it. On the other hand, it may be un-resolved issues from when you were younger which obs the therapy will help with. It may be impacting your life in ways that you are not aware of so head off back to your GP and have a chat with them.

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