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its my birthday tomorrow and i want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rashole, Feb 16, 2014.

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  1. rashole

    rashole New Member

    hi i just searched google for suicide forum or something like that ive been extremely depressed for about a year now, its been with me for my entire lifetime but got quite intense after my ex girlfriend left me as she was my first girlfriend and i lost my virginity to her at the age of 22 so i loved her very much and she abandoned me and my life sort of spiralled out of control. i am a recovering heroin addict and have had a seriously hard life and recently got myself into therapy


    tomorrow is my birthday
    im hoping to not wake up
    but that never comes true
    though i remember reading in history class that slaves would will themselves to death on their way over from africa during the beginning of slavery in the US so i always keep it on my mind hoping ill get lucky
    its my birthday tomorrow
    ill be 24
    living at home
    no job
    no friends
    family hates me
    recovering drug addict
    no money no goals nothing
    the only feelings i feel now a days are depression, rage, homicidal/suicidal urges, and then theres the lack of feeling feeling.
    rarely do i feel happiness, maybe once a month ill have a good day maybe. and it just goes away and im left with this horrible consuming hatred of myself.
    my birthday is tomorrow
    i want to die for my birthday
    that would be the best birthday present ever
    i hope that someone fucking kills me
    or maybe i grow enough balls to finally kill myself
    thanks for reading i am thankful i could vent that and hopefully people with empathy will read this and can relate.

  2. Hope1212

    Hope1212 Member

    I am sorry that you are feeling this way. My brother had a similar experience to you. His first real girlfriend had left him and he was absolutely devastated. He went through a pretty severe depressive episode that lasted about 2-3 years. He finally worked things out. He is now married with a little girl. I can't say the same for myself, but just know that there is someone out there for you. Wishing you well. I know that it is very difficult. Have you talked with people in a drug abuse support group? Therapy can be an outlet to let your feelings out and to try to deal with distressing emotions.
  3. rashole

    rashole New Member

    recovery groups are not sometjing that helps me, i have a very hard tome opening up to people. i end up lying and lying just to get over my own self consciousness and paranoia and in the end it does more negative than good.mtherapy is helping. i just had a bad moment there. i apologize if it was innapropriate. i have racing thoughts, always leading to rage or depression, always leading to panic attacks, and thats what happened here. i still feel bad about it beng my hirthday and my parents being forced to celebrate me, their failure aon, but its manageable now. im thankfuli i had a place to vent a little during my attack as i usually dont have anywhere except my journal and a razor blade.

  4. 9426

    9426 Member

    At least you had a girlfriend. I'm 20 and I've never even been kissed by a woman other than a prostitute.
  5. kristen

    kristen New Member

    I feel the same way. I just always feel bad on my birthday. Accidental death has been my birthday wish in the past 6 years, but obviously it never comes true. I think that i am able to kill myself-actually have got means to do it, but there is something that keeps me here like my family. Maybe it is just an excuse which means a part of me doesn't want to die. I don't know.
  6. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Hi rashole, I am glad you found this site and are able to express yourself here. I hope your birthday is better than you expect, i really hope so. This site has been helpful for me and it can be for you too. The fact that you are trying to recover from addiction and seek help shows that you are not a failure. Not sure what mtherapy is but good to here that is helping. Wishing you well.
  7. rashole

    rashole New Member

    i thought maybe my parents would pretend to be happy today but they are just continuing to be bitter and argumentative towards each other, hating each other clearly

    to 9426 i felt the same way until i met my ex in an outpatient group i had never kissed a girl and when the time was right everything just happened and i fell deeply in love with her but i guess it wasnt the same for her because she abandoned me one day

    i have the means to kill myself too, i hesitate only because i am too much of a pussy since i know it will hurt. ifi knew an absolutely painless way i would do it in a heart beat. i am convinced that my family and loved ones would be happier if i were gone. and my ex would be too. infact, my fantasy has always been to<mod edit- methods> telling her i did this because of her and explaining that this is my last gift to her followed in quick succession by myself<mod edit - methods> i got into therapy a few months ago and it has helped me learn about myself but i dont find it helping with these feelings and then other times these lack of feelings. it just brings me knowledge. if anything it has made me less sensitive. but it makes me feel better for a little while anyways so i gues thats good. we were supposed to go out and eat later and i dont know if thats still going to happen because my parents are in a huge fight and they have decided to continue fighting today and i am stuck in the same room with them while they either yell at each other or make rude snaps at each other all day so im sure today will suck because i will feel likeits my fault. i suppose ill quit ranting now i must seem like a huge ball of negativity but i can't really help it im not going to lie i came here to be honest i hope everyone else has a good day atleast
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2014
  8. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in such a dark place and I really hope you continue therapy. Your idea of killing yourself and blaming it on somebody else really needs to be dealt with by professionals because if somebody kills themselves that is their issue and and not done by somebody else- until you are able to accept it is your reaction to things rather than the things that happen causing your suicidal feelings you will have a long road. Blaming others simply prevents you from seeing a way out of the dark place because you cannot control what others do. You can learn to control your reactions to it (like parents fighting), or separate yourself from a toxic situation and people that effect you in a negative way.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hear ya, pains are not pleasant to experience emotionally. Whatever you decide to do for your birthday, do it because it'll make you happy-

    for me, I try to make something fun and worthwhile to try every week a new kind of cake to make for myself.

    Happy Birthday by the way
  10. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Good that you are here with us. Thats giving you the chance to express yourself without feeling you need to not be truthfull.

    I understand the loosing the girl you had. Ive recently done the same and it took me 55 years to find her. But i wont give up even though the feeling is horrid.

    You mention heroin....and more importantly you say RECOVERING... The important thing there us that you are not where you were previously! Well done.

    Not sure where you spend your days, but can you go to day centres or drop in places for a less structured support? Just to fill your day with new friends who have or have had similar issues.

    Worth a try!
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