its my birthday.. youd think id get a day off

[masika]

I want to die.. I just.. want to... Every day, not a single day goes by where i dont, at least once a day, when im sitting down and the hurricane of thoughts in my head settles.. theres this light, subtle thought that floats to the surface of my consciousness.. I just.. i want to die. I want to be dead. And i would do anything for it. How fucked up is that?? And its MY BIRTHDAY today?!! Why cant i get a day off...
Ive started wondering lately if maybe it is just my personality.. Can a human being be.. suicidal? By nature? By instinct? Is that even possible? Evolution wouldnt agree with me but who is she to know how i feel.. Help me.

 

[Sunspots]

Hi Masika

Can a human being be.. suicidal? By nature? By instinct?

Yes, it's called depression. Our birthdays can often be a trigger for our thoughts to get worse. There's this underlying assumption that birthdays should be fun, happy days. But when we're struggling with depression and can't enjoy that day it can make us feel even worse.

Are you recieving any professional help?

 

[Fox]

Happy birthday.
I hope you get better soon.

 

[Arun]

Happy Birthday masika sounds like things are so so rough right now.

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

I'm so sorry for your pain, especially on your birthday. I was suicidal on my 21st birthday and it was shitty to say the least so I understand. You'll have happier birthdays in the future
I will say happy birthday anyway, even though I know it's not "happy" ❤

 

[Wispiwill]

Yeah, birthday's are often disappointing that way. I'm with @lost_in_a_fairytale and will wish you a happy birthday even though I know it's not likely to be.

Happy birthday.

 

[Walker]

Hi,
Birthdays do often trigger people into feeling worse somehow - feeling like they've not accomplished enough since last year or over a lifetime or feeling like they don't have enough family or friends for their special day. Lots of things make birthday not quite what one would expect. As the others have said, I was also terribly suicidal for one of my birthdays so your brain doesn't really know to "take the day off". I'm sorry that your day isn't going great. I'm gonna suggest trying to make the best of it and distracting yourself from the thoughts that are plaguing you.

 

[Road to Nowhere]

Sorry your going through this on your birthday, your not alone hope you have a great day.

 

[Thauoy]

Happy birthday @masika . Many many happy returns of the day. I am sending you my hugs and prayers.

 

[KM76710]

Happy birthday.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Irs just another day for illness. They dont take days off because its your birthday. Ive been sick with the flu one year, another years it was cold/allergies/diarrhea another year it was still recovering from infection from burst appendix and just got discharged from the hospital after two weeks stint due to the infection. It is an illness hitting you right now. Its OK not to be ok on your birthday I know you wanted a break but when it hits it is beyond our control.

Happy Birthday though do hope you can get some break from the black dog

Are you doing anything special?

 

[masika]

Hi Masika

Can a human being be.. suicidal? By nature? By instinct?

Yes, it's called depression. Our birthdays can often be a trigger for our thoughts to get worse. There's this underlying assumption that birthdays should be fun, happy days. But when we're struggling with depression and can't enjoy that day it can make us feel even worse.

Are you recieving any professional help?

Hi
I am, i have therapy once a week
What bothers me is that im on medication and i take it regularly and so technically i shouldnt be depressed anymore.? Do you think there is any other explanation? Im seeing my psychiatrist on monday so ill ask her about it..

 

[masika]

Happy birthday @masika . Many many happy returns of the day. I am sending you my hugs and prayers.

Thank you so much for reading and being here, it means a lot.

 

[masika]

Happy birthday @masika . Many many happy returns of the day. I am sending you my hugs and prayers.

Happy birthday.
I hope you get better soon.

i-
uh🥰

 

[masika]

Happy birthday @masika . Many many happy returns of the day. I am sending you my hugs and prayers.

Happy birthday.
I hope you get better soon.

I'm so sorry for your pain, especially on your birthday. I was suicidal on my 21st birthday and it was shitty to say the least so I understand. You'll have happier birthdays in the future
I will say happy birthday anyway, even though I know it's not "happy" ❤

I know what you mean thank you

 

[masika]

Hi,
Birthdays do often trigger people into feeling worse somehow - feeling like they've not accomplished enough since last year or over a lifetime or feeling like they don't have enough family or friends for their special day. Lots of things make birthday not quite what one would expect. As the others have said, I was also terribly suicidal for one of my birthdays so your brain doesn't really know to "take the day off". I'm sorry that your day isn't going great. I'm gonna suggest trying to make the best of it and distracting yourself from the thoughts that are plaguing you.

I honestly didnt feel like i could talk to anyone about it since they wouldn’t understand, this really means a lot to me

 

[masika]

Hi,
Birthdays do often trigger people into feeling worse somehow - feeling like they've not accomplished enough since last year or over a lifetime or feeling like they don't have enough family or friends for their special day. Lots of things make birthday not quite what one would expect. As the others have said, I was also terribly suicidal for one of my birthdays so your brain doesn't really know to "take the day off". I'm sorry that your day isn't going great. I'm gonna suggest trying to make the best of it and distracting yourself from the thoughts that are plaguing you.

Irs just another day for illness. They dont take days off because its your birthday. Ive been sick with the flu one year, another years it was cold/allergies/diarrhea another year it was still recovering from infection from burst appendix and just got discharged from the hospital after two weeks stint due to the infection. It is an illness hitting you right now. Its OK not to be ok on your birthday I know you wanted a break but when it hits it is beyond our control.

Happy Birthday though do hope you can get some break from the black dog

Are you doing anything special?

Im sorry to hear about your problems.. i hope you recover soon..
I was at just at home, in the evening we had cake and some champagne to celebrate with my family.. it was lovely