It's my cake... the entire thing...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Oni, Mar 17, 2009.

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  1. Oni

    Oni Active Member

    So, after an intense discussion with my gf about me, my life, our relationship... I'm shouting f*** the recession... I'm into a personal one.

    I wrote stuff about myself a time ago, when I was new here. Been absent for a fair week or 2. I was going on pretty well. A very short intro on my, for anyone who can't be bothered looking for it; 26, male, Holland, unemployed, uneducated, gifted, "artist", and as it seems a unbelievable godcomplex. That's pretty much me in a nutshell now.

    In recent events I haven't seen my gf as much as I should have. Though, she has a job, graduated from uni about 1,5 years ago. So some time ago I spoke to her about her outlook on future and she was like "well, I spent a lot of time in school so I'd like a job of a certain level and a certain income so I can have a decent living". I should add that since she moved we don't live in the same city anymore and we both travel by train... to add with it, she works all around the country, so she might have days from 6 am till 9 pm or so. (in extreme case)

    I on the other hand am like, screw this, I want to have as much fun as possible and bit more even. I go out drinking with friends, spend ungodly amounts of time in my room trying out new beats, riffs, leads and whatnot for my musicproject. So my life is pretty much a big mess with a good amount of artistic highpoints but none of any relevance. I'm having a blast with the stuff that I'm doing... and even better yet, I'm having a blast just being with myself... well for the most part.

    A couple of years ago, when I was still in school... last thing I recall was studying Journalism. Anyway... so there I was, half shaven head, goatee, my face all covered in piercings. So in a way I was an archetype on what nowadays would be refered to as an not so femalelooking, male emo. Mind you I did like Industrial and Noise more... I was fine then. I was myself, I had a blast, I did what I want, whenever I want. I just had an problem with acceptance and people thinking I was odd. I donned my stuff 2 years ago and went with the flow, got a job and pretty much got a boost in assertiveness. That pretty much meant I didn't even need anyone, and if needed anyone I pretty much knew how to play the cards right to get that persons attention. And in a result I do think I'm somewhat manipulative, getting what I want fairly easily... but still keeping anything within bounds.

    Pretty much the only thing missing is attention. I do crave for attention by my gf and she's not given any... well, some, but apparently not enough. I seem to have developed it into that I want to be her all and everything. I'm number 1 and no one should try and get me on the number 2 spot. And given that her work is so special to her, I get slowly bumped to spot 2 everytime. It somehow gets me to a point where I am past the point of counting to 10. She thinks I'm asking too much. She might be right, but I cannot justify that someone has a relationship where the significant other is number 1 for the full 100%. I'm a perfectionist in that I want to have the full cake or none of it. So in all regards, I'd like to get my point across, though in recent events I might even, for example kill someone if that would get the point across.

    I'm not placing her in direct danger, nor anyone near (or not so near). But it seems that my ego is getting the best of me. Hence, if I can't have the full cake... I should cease to exist. I believe I should be complete for the full 100% and not for something that is "about right". And with future outlooks on her plans and on mine... I think either has it's choice but they're not viable together.

    So.. crisis? perhaps... I'm waiting to see what happens too much really. If I am unclear on this... it might have been that my mind escaped me a couple of times, still a bit frustrated about the discussion earlier, but I might clarify a thing or 2.
  2. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    goede avond.. :)
  3. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    im a slow reader..

    but you crave attention, what kind of? just wondering.. still processing the whole thing
  4. Oni

    Oni Active Member

    Well, for one... I'd like to see people i"m engaged with on a regular basis. And seeing each other once a week when in a longterm relationship... and I already told her before... a couple of times even.

    Well, I sometimes am somewhat of an "attentionwhore". I visit from time to time and make sure I left an impression. I'm pretty good at it, so it seems. A few years ago I was "that guy with those piercings" when out clubbing. Then I was "the vocalist of this and that band" and now in most places I'm more like.. "one of those nerds".
  5. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    to me you seem lost..
  6. Oni

    Oni Active Member

    Lost, in what way?
  7. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    ooh aan mij heb je even niks..

    ik probeer wat nuttigs te zeggen maar ik volg het niet..
    ik zie door de bomen het bos niet.. sorry :(
  8. Oni

    Oni Active Member


    If, I could try and clarify stuff.... if that helps.
  9. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    how about you make a list, like a top 3 of things that you would like to see different?
  10. Oni

    Oni Active Member

    I doubt it is as easy... the one is related to the other I guess. But I'll see how this goes.

    - Act, be and present myself however I feel like.
    - Getting the acceptance and attention I want/need
    - Be at mental rest

    In no particular order, however I feel the last one, might be the result of 1 and 2 happening.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 18, 2009
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