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Its my duty to everyone to die...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wonderer, Jan 17, 2009.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I know this is just gonna sound totally pathetic...
    I feel like its my duty to the people I know to kill myself... I know none of them would want me to, but I feel like its best for everyone involved. I'm supposed to be student teaching this semester, but I've got a stomach issue, and I think I will end up missing too many days because of that. If I drop out later than the first week, I won't be able to schedule into other classes for the semester, so I'll have to leave school. I think the best course of action is for me to not do the student teaching this semester. Not only have I been sick too often, I'm a crazy abusive bitch and I'm just going to end up screwing up the kids anyhow. Plus, if I graduate and can't hold a job because my of my stomach, I will not be able to get full teaching certification and my college degree will become worthless.
    I'm terrified of not being able to support myself. I've been abused before by several people, and I feel like anyone is supporting me and has that much power over me will do the same. Especially because it'd probably be one of the people who I've had issues with in the past. If I can't support myself, there's no point in me being alive. I'm of no use to anyone.
    I got in a fight with my mother this morning, and she told me I was being abusive and left the house. I'm just going to keep hurting people my entire life... I'm a bad person, and I don't deserve to live... Its only a matter of time until I screw up more people's lives. I shouldn't be around people at all... but I'm afraid to be alone... so the only way I'll keep out of people's lives and let them be happy is if I'm actually dead. I feel like thats the only way I can keep the people I love safe... I don't want to die, but I think its the only right thing for me to do...

    Sorry for the long post, I'm having a really rough time...
  2. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    If it's any assistance in the short term, you know you don't want to do anything rash right after a fight with your mother! She'll blame herself forever.

    But for the long term, it sounds like you've got some stuff to work through. But these problems don't sound insurmountable if you really give it 100%. It will be a challenge but it is possible to (1) learn to manage (or hopefully even cure) your stomach problem, (2) find non-abusive relationships (maybe not easy right away but worth the journey to see) and (3) become self-sufficient, which it sounds like you should be able to do once this present healing from the stomach is taken care of.

    As well, with your stomach problems, you are physically unwell right now and that will always do nothing good for your mental state. Weather the storm for now. As you are working on the stomach issue, try and prepare on the side for working with the kids when you get back. Maybe you can be doing a bunch of the work that needs to be done for the next term so when you come back you'll have some free time on your hands... Just thinking out loud. Everyone here is on your side...
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi wonderer. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time right now. I'm a newly certified teacher as well, and I remember how interesting my student teaching days were. Student teaching is a fun learning experience. You get to work with the students and try different teaching strategies. I enjoy being a teacher, even though I'm still just a substitute teacher, and I think that you should try the student teaching this semester and give it your best shot. It will be worth it in the long run. :hug:
  4. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Hi Wonderer,

    When I read that you feel the people you love will be better off if you were dead, my initial thought was: "I know how you feel!!" And then I took that a little further and I can honestly say to you that though I am feeling much the same way these days--and have in the past--when I'm outside of a situation and I hear about someone else's struggles with feeling these kinds of feelings, I just want to say,"STOP!!!" because as much as you think that being dead would make your family's lives better, it couldn't be further from the truth.

    When we think of taking our own lives, and try to rationalize it by telling ourselves (because we're honestly feeling this way) that our friends and families would be better off without us, the fact of the matter is that our brains are very IRRATIONAL at these times. And so even though it makes all the sense in the world to us at the moment, it really doesn't make any overall sense in reality.

    And when I went through a long, dark period where I fought suicidal feelings every minute of the day for over 3 months, the one and only thing that helped me NOT do it was actually forcing myself to remember the mayhem and devastation it caused when my sis-in-law DID commit suicide. I was FEELING nothing at the time (besides a deep desire to die) but I could try hard to remember the reality of what suicide brings to the living left behind.

    And now I'm here again. And once again, I'm forcing myself to remember the reality of devastation that occurs when someone commits suicide. It's not easy because it keeps getting overshadowed by the ugly gremlin that lives inside my brain, who wants me to die. Stupid little fucker he is. :dry:

    I keep telling myself what I'll tell you:

    Wait. Just give it one more day. Because there's always the possibility that tomorrow you will wake up and things will be a bit better; a bit clearer.

  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    How are you feeling today wanderer. :hug:
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Wonderer,
    I can relate to your stomach problems I had them for years and one day I got put on a medication for side affects of another med I am on. Well this 1st med they put me on to fight side affects cleared my stomach problems right up. My regular doctor also put me on a med for acid reflux and it took care of that also. You need to talk to your doctor about your problem. The med that cleared my stomach problems is called Cogentin. It's worth a shot because I know how bad it can be. Take care!!~Joseph~
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