Its my emotion and I'll be angry if I want to!

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by mira, Apr 17, 2012.

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  1. mira

    mira Member

    I posted this to my facebook today.......dreading it and feeling like now I want to take it off..I have already been told before to 'be happy' and 'dont bring people down' when i have spoken up and have always taken whatever it was down like some meek sheep....this got to me even more and made me feel i had nowhere to express myself...sinking me i stoped posting there and put a picture of a puppy up instead...then i left online for a few days as ive been sick but I came back tonight as I feel I have made a decision and so returned to respond this this news item...and have been trashed in IM again..somone suggesting i need psychiatric help......I dint need help when I was even felt good to wrote...but now I am so close to jumping...i feel like one more thing and I dont know how I am going to cope...and its not even because of the abuses - its reactions like theirs that propell me to emotional landslides and to give up hope...they just DONT GET IT and I have no real hope they ever will.

    Why dont people understand that by continually berating me for being expressive about my anger..they are only making it bigger?
    Its like i finally start to begin rising up out of the dark water and they push me back HURTS!
    After I wrote this, I got a PM on my fb account, from a 'self love transpersonal guru survior' that made me want to vomit..advising me to see a shrink and I went argggggggggggggggggh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Really? Go risk being triggered, get on some drugs..fade to back and never be heard - for just being angry????


    Is that the socially approved way I am suposed to 'deal with it'?

    Its so not helpful when some of the people saying these things are other survivors...that causes me huge doubts about emotional legitimacy...I haet they assume expression is liability without question.. Worse..when its survivors who've never been close to where Ive been...a child literally screwed over by army/air force, two doctors, several politicians, clergy AND family...was for over 15 yrs... and yet they assume to 'know' how I feel..they CANT know..we may be on the same planet but we've had entirely different experiences.

    Not one area of my existence was left untouched unabused by this crime....and I think it is normal to be angry about it..i realised too late that it was ABNORMAL NOT TO BE



    I wrote:
    State Government inquiry to probe sexual abuse suicide link in religious organisations
    THE Baillieu Government has announced an inquiry into child sexual abuse.

    Sans any meaningful judicial enquiry/a royal commission, this parlimentry inquiry will mean exactly dick. Not one of these known criminals or their habourers or supporting institutions will ever be held legally accountable, no one will loose so much as their weeks pay let alone their job and the governmental protection they now enjoy. These perps and their supporters will never go to jail for their crimes or for aiding and abetting criminals and we can kiss any hope of pressing for automatic accessory charges to habourers of known paedophiles goodbye.

    After this fest of piss and wind for those who 'dont get it' ...the laws that allow clergy to habour criminals wont be changed, in fact nothing will and after millions in wasted taxpayer funds to 'look at' a problem we already see quite clearly thanks very much, society will grow "bored" with the issue as a whole and feel justified to once again tell victims to shut up and "stop being victims", " just get over it" and "stop rocking the boat because we have it so good in this country".

    Whats that non victims ( are there any ...really?) will, after this inquiry, be armed with a freshly cleared conscience "see we did all we could" and so the sexual abuse itself not just its victims will once again be socially be ignored and swept under the rug all over again until the next generation of survivors arises from living hell.

    If they do and survive at all or survive without ending up silenced as criminals in jail or ending up silenced drugged in the nuthouse - these victims to come and many waking to whats happened to them just now, will inevitably crash and burn back into the public eye via even worse headline news flashes. Only to once again have their perps crimes minimised to shameful 'social scandles' instead of treated as the criminal acts they are. Acts, which eventually get too much for society to continue to deny outright, will again be made subject to the diversion therapy of a toothless parlimentry inquiry.

    And thus the whole process of permissivness begins again, society gets to remain complicit in child abuse without conscience, gets to ignore reality and return to silence on the issue as a whole and the paedo's win..the church wins..and victims loose - again.

    Thanks Cardinal Pell for telling us all that you break the law " For victims" when you hide known saying that you reveal the entire con job of child sexual abuse for what it is and bring to light the arrogance of your and your institutions active participation and collusion in its continuance in our society.

    If this kind of bastardry of reality is really what Australia stands for..if this is what Australian society wants to allow to continue on their watch....then just stay silent.
    State Government inquiry to probe sexual abuse suicide link in religious organisations
    THE Baillieu Government has announced an inquiry into child sexual abuse.

    ::::This was my reply to several "concened" private messages I recevied after I posted that above....people who seemed to be concerned about me but were more confronted by my anger adn assumed expression of anger is a psychiatric 'liability'. IT ISNT!

    Dear xxxxx,
    I can appreciate where you are coming from. I can thank you for being concerned and writing me this note.

    I am not sure though, why people are so afraid of anger that they feel the need to hush it up as something dirty or to be feared or feel the need to reply to angry words as you have replied to me just now.

    This post above was a simple post that expresses how I feel about what I see and tells the truth as I see it and have experienced it, of the grand cycle of lies and avoidance this society relies on to keep itself afloat and ignorant as to the true costs of its own inaction and permissivness.

    I dont know why you feel that my anger is something that needs 'mental health care' and a psychologist? Maybe drugs will help too ? But who untilmately will that help exactly?

    I am not offended by my anger, I am not harmed by it, I am not off shooting people or burning bibles...Im not made sick by my anger. In fact I was made sick by denying it!

    Instead of staying sick, I am now releasing it and utilising it to write and speak out against a vile crime being condoned by the collective ignorance and silence and making use of it to express my disgust in the numbed mind and distinct LACK of emotion society has on this issue.

    Maybe I should ignore angers usefulness and productiveness to the struggle to end child sexual assault and like everyone else sit in fear of expressing it honestly.

    Maybe I should sit and stay in psych sessions like an obedient 'good girl' for the next 20 years 'healing myself' as if I am the sick one, and maybe I should continue to have my normal and natural feelings negated and made just as impotent as others choose to allow.

    Its a rather large assumption on your part however to assume I have not already done exactly that. It was only when I became honest within that theraputic environment, saw for the first time many years ago that it was not ME who was " the sick one" and needed 'healing and treatment" that I " woke up" at all to the backwards nature of it all.

    So yes, I could spend another few decades in denial that way, doped up, denying there is a reason for to be angry as much as for being angry, making myself a victim making myself a sick person...ultimately making MYSELf the perpetrator of my pain.

    I could continue to ignore the fact that anger is as purposeful in life as joy is ....

    And sure...maybe I should for 'everyones sake' just take the personal comfort option over direct action and 'get over it' and ' not bring people down' or 'be more positive' or ' Take the money and run'.

    I could do that.

    I could do that..or I can trust myself in whatever emotion I am having right now; trust that I am exactly as I am meant to be right now, doing exactly what I am suposed to BE doing right now.

    Instead of fearing myself and my emotions, I can continue to use that motivating power of righteous anger to get to the root of this problem and energetically strike there at the root of it, rather than wasting my time cutting off limbs or scooping up leaves....things I am simply not qualified or patient enough to do.

    I dont know ..maybe you are right and I am wrong and showing my "angry" and speaking up and out wont help.

    Maybe though, its the reality of survivors being pacified via just this kind of peer pressure and compensated away back into denial and away from anger and so, kept continuously out of sight and mind and silent; survivors not getting angry and in peoples faces, that is part of the root of the problem as to why this crime continues unabated and unchecked.

    Maybe its peoples FEAR of real things, real emotion , real facts and real consequences... inside and outside themselves... that allows our collective standard to keep falling to the lowest possible common denominator, forcing people to keep accepting things we ought not to accept, not even once.

    If I am writing and angry today it is because I have let go of THAT fear..inside and out..let go the fear of BEING angry..and am rising from it not falling into it.

    I dont or want need my anger pathologised and soothed away. I dont need psychiatric help in understanding why it is there..or in commanding its potential power.
    I am not sick. I am not naive. I am not unaware or unskilled.
    I am just..angry.
    And responsbiily but not obediently, I am working with my own anger, putting it to good use in the only way god-given me to do so.

    As a student of International relations and polyscience..I have learnt first hand how it really is out there..the cycles and patterns of denial that allow governments to commit fraud and crime right in front of your face and have you begging for more.

    In suriving over 15 years of abuse I have also learnt, the how and whys and what fors of the cycles of abuse too and how they perpetuate themselves on all levels within and without.

    As an expert by experience, why should I NOT then use these insights to speak my truth and reveal the nest or at least to point it out so no one can rest easy in silence or denial of it?

    Why do you or any government know what is best for me and best to decide for me what I ought to be doing with my emotions?

    Sexual assault is a crime not an expression of human weakness. Human weakness is expressed only in the silence we have towards the crime.

    Criminals, having the capacity for choice, are responsible for their crimes. I am not. I am not the one with the problem, I am not the problem here that needs to be 'addressed'.

    My anger is also not the problem.
    If it is a problem for you to see and feel my directed anger..then I suggest that you dont look..dont read..dont feel self protecting and responsible for yourself and dont read my fb page anymore.

    Know though, that to me, and in embracing my anger as ONE motivational aid to overcoming fears that were blocking me from standing up and taking determined right action, I am simply reconciling to tell the truth as I see it, in a world that wants me to continue to lie to myself, to sit down and shut up so I dont 'harm' others by being myself..which I wont do.

    Like a gay person stuck in a closet, I wont willfully permit my spirit to be encaged by the fears of others any longer, because even if there is no hope for me there has to be visible hope for others just like me. And that is who I am here for. Its not enough I recover.

    If society doesnt care for or wont stand up and doesnt wish to see 'unpretty' survivors getting angry..then they know what to do.

    In that lack of action, lack of inclusion in the 'debate', then we have to stand up for ourselves and for each other and be seen, be heard, if only for each others sake.

    And in THAT pursuit, in calling a spade a spade, in not fearing and not hdiing anymore, I do have to say no to a society that fears to recognise its own power and capacities for change or choose to accept complicity in the crimes. There are two sides to everything, incudling tolerance and acceptance, and people do need to hear their tolerance for this crime is killing people...their acceptance of 'its always going to be this way' is ensuring it kills more.

    I do have to say no to even other survivors who have undertandably chosen passive routes to self help or pacified means to public action, I do or I risk falling back into fear and silence yet again. I do have to BE me...and be honest to MY self..and true to the calling I have within me, because I cant be you...cant follow your calling.

    You can question how 'useful' or how productive it will be for me to stand up for myself and other people like me.....but dont doubt for a moment the necessity of me doing it.

    I cant loose what I dont have, but I can be a hope for others and in my own way express the fact there is no permission needed for survivors to stand up voice the truth of how they really feel instead of packaging it into socially accepetable soundbites.

    If none of my expressions apply to you, then thats ok..the ones I am speaking to and speaking up for, they know already and to them I dont have to justfy my emotions arent the problem and shouldnt be used by anyone to distract away from the real problem - paedophiles, criminals who choose to abuse and the corruption of law and reason that supports them.

    We may stand on the same land but in different nations it seems...and thats ok. I cant place my trust in a system I know already and first hand is corrupted and abusive itself. If you can, then you do so, my trust, whatever remains of it, is in God alone.


    So thats where I stand today...its get angry or off myself....and I figure that if they have a problem with my anger then that its THIER problem and they can, as they keep telling me, " just get over it"! Why do people automatically assume emotional expression is psychiatric liability?????????? WTF?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you came here and let some of that anger out here in a safe place. You keep letting it out okay it does so help to be able just to release all that bottled up crap inside us hugs
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