it's my time

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by alison, Mar 20, 2009.

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  1. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    I can't do this any longer, I need to escape and soon. I'm about to graduate college and there is no future for me. I know you're all going to say that I am young and have so much ahead of me, but you don't know me. I'm incapable of 'growing up' - I can't deal with responsibility or living on my own, even living in a dorm for four years has been difficult. I can't even feed myself half the time - I feel so sick all the time because I rarely eat, and when I do I binge on junk with no nutritional value whatsoever. But that's a random tangent, its not the most important thing.

    I used to fulfill my life by jumping through my parents invisible hoops. I was a good child - obedient, really good at school, I did all the extracurricular activities they told me to do. And then I got into a really good college and fell apart. I've been wasting their money and taking out crazy loans for the past 4 years, and for what? Somehow I managed to pull a B average, but I've gotten a lot of lousy grades and now I can't get into grad school and I haven't applied for jobs, and it just feels like its my time to go.

    I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm posting this here really... I see a psychiatrist and am on different drugs and I go to group therapy once a week, and they can't save me so I'm really a lost cause. I'm done feeling sad about this though, I feel ready and at peace about it. It's just the logical thing that needs to be done. Godd, I hope theres no fucking afterlife
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling this way...sounds like you are functioning from the all or nothing at all perspective...this does not fit with real life, as most life is lived in the gray areas...graduate studies have many ways to be can start going at night, and then transfer into a fuller time day program...or find a job that provides educational benefits or tuition...hope you try to be kinder to yourself and find a job/profession that you will enjoy...big hugs, J
  3. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    I'm just really tired and I don't feel like I belong on this planet. I know that's probably cliche sounding, but I want to be done with all this. All this grad school stuff is just a distraction that didn't pan out the way I wanted it to. I'm tired of pretending life is this beautiful thing. It's not, its ugly and lonely and not worth it. It's my life, I just have to finish working out my plan in a way that will minimize the damage to my family, and then hopefully I'll be free from this body andthis mind and this screwed up world.
  4. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    you're gonna graduate college but, no future?

    jeez, alot of people can't even get into college, let alone some who get in can't finish.

    if you graduate college the possibilities are endless..
  5. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    umm.. not really. the economy is hell right now, companies are laying off loads of people, not hiring. plus, my grades weren't that great. and i come off terribly in interviews - i can barely talk.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I agree that finding jobs are difficult right now with the economy, but that won't last forever. You may have to find work outside your field and wait for the right thing to open up. When you have your degree they generally ask what your degree is in, not what your GPA is. You said you managed B's. Those grades are just fine. Many graduates have difficulties emotionally when they first get out. You have gone from being sheltered and told what to do by your parents. Then you move into the post secondary education, and though different, is still school and on the familiar side. Then that ends and all of a sudden you are expected to function completely on your own. You are now responsible for yourself completely. It feels almost like being thrown into the middle of the lake for the first time and you have to sink or swim. Only thing is, you don't know how to swim. I don't know why it is that people tend to dismiss the positives in their lives and dwell on the negatives. For example, when Rosenrot mentioned you were going to graduate from college and that was a thing not everyone has the opportunity to do, you dismissed it with a "yeah but". Instead of celebrating your success you qualified it with your grades not being that great. Maybe they weren't, but they were good enough for you to complete your degree. Try to focus on the good things. If you have to, list them. No qualifiers-no "yeah buts". Things may not have gone exactly as you had them planned, but they rarely do. Make adjustments and move forward from there. :hug:
  7. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    yeah but.. lol, just kidding. thanks for your thoughtful response, and i know you're right logically, but i just can't stop feeling so hopeless. i know anybody else in my shoes would be fine, i just feel emotionally tired and want to give up. i know college was a great opportunity.. but it wasn't a "fun" four years for me, the whole thing was a struggle and I delved deep into a depression far worse than i had ever in middle or high school. and even though i know things might end up being 'fine' in my life next year and the year after, i feel like i'm on the edge of falling even deeper into depression and i'm tired of it. if i'm not going to be a productive member of society i shouldn't be wasting space and oxygen. logically it doesn't make sense, but emotionally death just feels right to me. sorry.. i'm probably not making any sense..
  8. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    Well Alison i'm about the same age as you, probably started college the same time as you but I dropped out. I'll probably go back one day because the other options aren't too swell. Just think it could be worse, you could be alone in your room for a couple of years like me. Maybe you're in need of a good friend you can get close to. I don't know, when I talk to people my age I feel better for a while but when i'm alone again I feel depressed. I think isolation can give you hugely negative thoughts and drive you insane. I have feelings of dissociation and hopelessness. If you want to talk or something just pm.
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