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It's never going to get better, ever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sondenise, Oct 8, 2010.

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  1. Sondenise

    Sondenise Member

    I swear I must be God's punching bag for him to shit all over or something. I haven't stopped thinking about killing myself for the past 2 weeks. I've been like this since middle school and people constantly tell me what a strong person I am, but goddammit I'm TIRED of being strong. I'm tired of getting up in the morning and not even having a reason for that anymore. I'm tired of not having a purpose in life and not being worth anything to anyone. When people tell me not to kill myself, they can't even give me a reason why not. They just give me the same vague answers of "it'll get better". They can't even tell me their own personal reasons of what they have to look forward to.

    It already got so bad that it's affecting my work and my bosses had to sit me down to talk twice. Then I went to the doctor and at first none of the pills helped until she referred me to a walk-in psychiatric clinic. I stayed there for two months and things were good for the first two weeks after. Then life shat all over me again with a vengeance. First my abusive ex-boyfriend sent angry e-mails to everyone at work and almost cost me my job. then he did the same to my school and I was almost suspended and I was brought before the student judiciary director. I can't even afford to go to the grocery store to buy food because I have to give one paycheck to my school and my other paycheck for rent and utilities. I literally have $1.25 to my name until January. I can't even afford to go to the store and buy rat poison to swallow.

    I just dont' see a point to anything anymore.
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Is there any way to get some state help for food?
  3. Sondenise

    Sondenise Member

    I got turned down for financial aid this year. I highly doubt I will get food stamps.
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    food stamps and financial aid are 2 differant things, you can get emeregency food stamps here in the states. Or if you belong to a church, those are also big places that help here.
  5. Sondenise

    Sondenise Member

    This has gone horribly off-topic. Thank you for your concern, but food is the least of my worries right now. I'm more concerned about finding a reason to not kill myself between now and Tuesday when I go see my doctor who will want to put me back into intensive therapy, which I have neither the time nor the economic means for.

    Literally, I don't have the money to find help for myself. and even if I did for what reason or point would it matter? to what end? what good will it do me or anyone if i continue to live?
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I can give you a reason, because your alive and living. Maybe not the life you want but your still here.

    Maybe if you make a list of whats the hardest and start working on that list one at a time, then it wont seem so overwhelming and you will be able to see progress of something happening.
  7. Sondenise

    Sondenise Member

    Ok, I have no time for friends because I go to work from 7 am to 5 pm and then immediately to school until. 8:30 at night. the friends I did have dont' even bother calling, talking, responding to calls and invitations from me or inviting me anywhere. I'm undervalued at work. I can either look for a new job and not go to school because the classes I require are in the middle of the day or I can go to school and have no means of paying for the classes or my rent. also, I've already been looking for a few weeks now and there are NO available jobs in the area, much less any that I'm qualified for. And nothign in life brings me joy anymore.

    So what do I do then?
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi. Your days are really busy Denise. After you get home at 8:30pm, you still have to find time to eat, do some homework and get some sleep. Finding a better job will be tough, because the economy in the USA is really bad and good jobs are few and far between. Be sure to eat properly and get enough sleep. Lack of sleep can make you feel much worse. Please don't give up. :hug:
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Do you think your friends dont call because they know how busy you are or maybe they are in the same boat. Life takes over sometimes and we all get so busy that we forget what life should really be about. Between work, school and any other activities, there really isnt time for anything else. How often do you get a day off to just hang out?

    Ive worked many of jobs and almost all Ive felt under appreciated, to me its work work work and no good job comes in return. Knowing your doing a good job, feeling that happiness of getting things done without help or a pat is awesome, means you can do it all by yourself without supervision and sometimes people start taking advantage of that. I agree with above, if your making the money and have a decent job, I would keep it until something else thats better comes up. Its hard times right now, not just for US but everywhere, no jobs, no money, no help. So hold your head high knowing your getting your job done, regardless of what others think and do.
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