It's funny...I dare myself sometimes to feel a little hopeful about my life. I start to think that it's okay to feel a little happy and then reality hits me. As I continue living a life of sobriety and I continue to work a steady job and feel a little less bleak about my existence, I realize that it's all pretty much I vain. So what about my one year of sobriety....I have seen people who have had a better understanding of recovery than I have and they relapsed. And my "steady job" is working at a bloody mayonnaise factory through a temp service. I'm 33 and aside from having no wife and kids I can't even manage to have a real career like most normal people in society. Then there's my past....there is so much hurt and I cannot ignore it all. I cannot let go of the things like being called names ad being bullied and all the painful rejections. I know this all sounds like me being a victim but I don't know what else to really say or do. Someone said that I can choose to dwell in this stuff or let go....how?! I have said this before, but my feelings are not a freakin light switch that I can just turn off. My life just feels really worthless and pointless. I stay at a recovery house and I decided to go visit my family overnight. I'm starting to have anxieties with going, but there are some things I have to take care of so it's kind of important to do this. But I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless. I'm sorry for rambling like this again. Oh...and the toilet in my apartment is clogged. As "house senior" of the apartment, I can't help but feel responsible for yet another mess.