It's not a crisis if it's necessary.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Witty_Sarcasm, Feb 19, 2013.

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  1. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I feel like I have to expose myself for the fake that I am. I put up a guise of being a good person, while I'm a bad person at the core. I don't beat up people, I never killed anyone, I don't lie, cheat, or steal...but I wound people with my words. I often speak before I think things through, almost as if someone else is speaking through me, a very negative person, and this often hurts people. Even if they are joking, often I take it the wrong way...but people have said the worst to me all of my life, so it's hard for me to tell if someone is joking or not. And I guess that's why I'm so quick to offend...my moods change very rapidly. I think there is something that makes me act this way...I think bipolar has come up a few times. But my moods change more rapidly than that...anger to depression to happiness in a very short amount of time. My emotions are boundless, especially the negative ones. I feel that I have the emotional capacity of more than a few people, and it can get exhausting to be on this daily rollercoaster, especially for people involved in my life. I feel very badly if I hurt someone, because I care more about people more than I care about myself. The more they care, the more I try to push them away. I want them to hate me as much as I hate myself. People tell me that no one can love me if I don't love myself, but I see nothing to love.

    I was crying in public today...no one asked me what was wrong though. I don't want them to comfort me, because I deserve to feel this pain. I hate breaking down in front of everyone, because I know it's wrong for me to show emotions. I'd rather stay stoic and pretend I don't care about a damn thing, because it's easier that way. No one loves me, no one will ever love me. I never had children because I don't want to taint them with my problems, and possibly pass them on. I hate being alone, but I don't want anyone to care about me. I am too much for stable people to handle, and for people with problems, I probably exacerbate their problems, and vice versa. So I know that I am better off being alone, even though it's a fear of mine. I am better cut off from all civilization. I came here for help, but I'm too damaged to be helped. I hope I have helped others though, because I wouldn't want anyone to feel as badly as I do.

    I say this not for sympathy, but as a fact. A person like me is better off not living. I don't need to find more friends because I will ruin their lives. I don't want to be reassured that I'm a good person, because I know that's not true. I don't know why I'm writing all of this, maybe to remind myself that my death will be completely justified. I don't expect anyone to read this wall of text, but I needed to let this all out. I have a method in mind, I think only one person knows what I plan to do, and he's far enough away to where he can't stop me. No one else will know, because I don't want to be stopped. If I can't afford my preferred method very soon, I will do something cheaper, but just as effective. I don't want anyone to try and stop me because this is something that has to be done, and should have been done years ago. I just hope that everyone on here will find a reason to live and carry on. I just want everyone to find the happiness in life that I never could.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hiyas, Just wanted you to know I have read your post~ but I do not think you or anyone in fact deserves to die. Keep talking here and reaching out, if it helps.
     
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