This morning I awoke to a loud knocking at the door, immediately followed by more knocking and the doorbell. I heard foot steps and quiet voices, and after a while I wandered into my living room to see my mother, my stepfather, and three police officers. I assumed a car had been stolen or they were informing us of a robbery in the neighbor hood; but the seriousness in their voices hinted otherwise. I started to think that maybe one of the neighors had died or a dog was lost, but never in my life would I have guessed the circumstances of what they said. My step father, this morning at no later than 10:30 AM was arrested for sexual assault of a minor. It's unreal, impossible, he'd never hit someone, let alone abuse a child. I've been crying nonstop about this... nightmare. The policemen say we don't seem like the kind of people to be involved in this kind of crime, and that their must be a mistake, even going so far as to urge us to sue if the charges are false and that helped keep me sann for a few hours. But he was booked, kept in a cell with people who I no longer trust to be guilty of their acts, and all hell seemed to break loose. My mother can't get a hold of the detective, he'll be back in a week, making me hate and loath the police more than I thought possible, and as she went to the jail to see him, to offer to him our words of love and understanding, she was cast aside and told "it isn't his day". She tried to gain details on the case, tried to understand what the specific charges were, after reading that the range of the felony can be anything from rape and molestation, to a threat someone took seriously; but the man refused to tell her, saying that he wasn't comfortable sharing it with her and would only share the details with my step father and his attorney. We have nothing we can do, nothing we can say, and all I want to do is shove a bullet so far down my throat that I won't ever have to worry again. I've had a past of suicidal thoughts and actions, I've attempted suicide three times and I'm only 15. I'm so tired of feeling worried and angry and deranged, I just wish someone would kill me so I wouldn't have to do it myself. I know my step father didn't commit the crime he's charged of, but we can't do anything to help him, the bail is $5,000 and the service is 40 years. I've already lost my father through divorce, and all that time my current step father was with us; he's more of a father than my real father, and I can't just sit by and think of him locked in a cell with murderers and rapists, when he can't do anything to help himself. I've never felt so helpless in my life, never felt so angry. I've never considered ending my life in a violent way, but that's all that's in my mind now, making it tangible to the bastards who have done this to my family, that there are consequences for their actions, consequences for taking away a man who not even the police think are innocent, consequences for not telling his damn wife what the specific charges are! I hope to god I find strength in a pill, or in silence to hold on, because the only thing holding me back is the worry that I might break my family in the way these bastards have broken me.