It's not BDD if its not in my head.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Freya, Dec 14, 2011.

  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am ugly. Lets get it out there. Mental health tell me is Body Dysmorphic Disorder but quite honestly I genuinely don't think it is. I really wish it were. I can't tell you how much I wish that the image in the mirror is not what is really there - but truthfully, I'm just genuinely ugly. I'm not talking "not pretty" - I'm talking "shouldn't go out in public".

    I realise the the whole point of the BDD thing is that I would naturally think its not in my head - so I'll provide some evidence:
    My last two bf's refused to be seen in public with me because my appearance embarrassed them
    My last bloke couldn't... perform... if the lights were on because my appearance put him off.
    My friends say things like "The fact that you're ugly doesn't mean you'll be alone forever - some guys don't care about appearences".
    I sit in a room of my male friends and am told that its "good you're ugly cos it means things don't get complicated by sex and stuff".
    Total strangers make comments - on the bus, in a cafe...
    My mum tells me I shouldn't smile because it "makes the situation worse".

    I could carry on but I think my point is illustrated.

    And yes of COURSE there might be guys out there who "don't care" if I am ugly - never met a guy who doesn't care if the girl is ugly - but I am willing to believe they might exist. Maybe wishful thinking.

    And quite aside from the lonliness and the feelings of inadequacy in that section of my life - I just want to be able to look in the mirror and not hate it so much I want to cry. I want to be able to have a spontaneous photo taken and not have to spend twenty minutes finding an angle that covers as much of the problem as possible and be sure not to smile and make sure the lighting is right and... and.. and..

    I know it sounds shallow. I do. I genuinely don't care what anyone else looks like - it makes no difference to how I feel about them as a person - but you can't honestly tell me that the majority of the world doesn't care. I've spent the last decade finding out just how much that isn't true.

    I am sooooo tired of looking like an obese chipmunk who has suffered a stroke. I don't want to look like the bastard love child of susan boyle and the bloke from the goonies. It's NOT BDD if its not in my head. I know its shallow. I know half the people who read this are likely to be annoyed with me. But I needed it off my chest.
  2. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Hun, what exactly is it that makes you feel so bad about yourself? As for other people, fuck what they think. I know it's easier said than done, but you really shouldn't be with a guy who treats you as anything less than a queen. And as for family, if they can't appreciate you, simply stay away from them and ignore them. I have to do that with a lot of my family members. Also, a lot of people don't care much about looks, myself included. It's what's on the inside that matters. Either way, I'm sure you're not as terrible looking as you seem to think. Like I said, those guys just sound like douchebags. If they didn't like how you looked, they wouldn't have been with you to begin with.
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am aware that the guys I have dated have not been shining examples of the male gender, but I also feel that its fair enough that someone would want to avoid being embarassed by being with me in public.
    I think you're asking me why looking like I do makes me feel so bad. I think maybe it wouldn't if I wasn't shown every few days how much people actually DO care about how people look. People make unkind comments - laugh - you become the butt of every "joke". Sure I'm nice but there are plenty of nice people out there who aren't hideous. I have nothing to balance it out with.
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    So what I get from what you're saying is that what makes you "hideous" is other people saying so? Tell them to f off...try to stand up for yourself. If you keep turning the other cheek, they'll take advantage. But you do realize that just because they stay stupid crap doesn't mean they're correct, right? Did they say why you supposedly embarrassed them?
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    No - its not just other people's opinions. I know i'm ugly - its just that other people confirm its not in my head. And they were embarrassed because ppl make comments and laugh and make jokes etc I guess. And their respective friends would have thought they'd lost their minds. Etc.
  6. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    sounds like you have zero self esteem which is very sad coz your intelligent,funny,silly,sensible,interesting,all these things matter so much more than how somebody looks.Have you ever noticed how the so called beautiful people are some of the most boring,self obsessed,shallow and dimmest people you could ever have the misfortune to meet.A persons physical appearance is diminished with every passing day where a personality is permanent.These fucking maggots who put you down and wouldnt be seen in public with you must have picked up on how much you dislike yourself and abused it by taking advantage of you and if you put up with negative comments just once it will continue without a doubt.To say that you dont blame a person for not wanting to be seen in public with you is very very sad because you can bet your bottom dollar there would be somebody that would be proud to walk down the street arm in arm with you.I will offer you this tho after a lifetime of self loathing, i think the shriks are probably right that if you dont love yourself,nobody else will.i drove my ex fucking mad with my self hatred and she went off me after seven yrs of telling me i was worthy of her love.This is a cliche i know and you shot me down for saying this to you a few days ago but fuck it im gonna live a little and risk the wrath of lu by repeating it.There is somebody out there for everybody without exception,and im not talking about those fucking douche bags you went out with! Im talking about somebody that will treat you how you and everybody deserves to be treated.
  7. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Mark :hug: if nothing else you made me smile for the first time this evening with the "wrath of Lu" comment - cos I'm just that scary lol. Its so hard for me to accept your argument that there is someone for everyone. I want it to be true but having hope is a scary business because it gets your heart shredded. I think I probably agree with the "you have to love yourself" thing - but does that mean if I can't find a way to love myself that I am destined to be alone forever? Because honestlly - I don't see it happening. It seems like a vicious circle: you're convinced you're unlovable so nobody loves you which proves you're unlovable... ad infinitum.
    I know its partly my own fault - I feel so unwell when I look at myself that it seems reasonable that other people would feel that too and I don't want to inflict that upon anyone. So I isolate. I stop saying yes to invitations and the invitations stop being offered. In the end you wind up wrapped in the cocoon of loneliness and its dark and horrible but at the same time the idea of a light makes you cringe in the corner going "nooooooo". I don't want to be seen. If I could conduct my entire life from the safety of a computer I'd do it. This way people can get to know me and it doesn't matter that I'm ugly. The only person who has to look at me is me (and I avoid it as much as possible). But a computer can't give you a cuddle :(
    I've lost track of what I'm babbling about. :/
    My point (assuming I have one) is I genuinely worry that I don't have enough of the "interesting/smart/nice" thing to outweight the "so ugly I feel kinda ill" thing.
    And thank you for your response :hug:
  8. cruztacean

    cruztacean Member

    This is long. Sorry.

    I am going to try a bit of practical advice, hoping that it doesn't hurt.

    Susan Boyle, in my opinion, only looked really bad at her debut on BGT, and before that. Since then she's had a makeover, and with her hair and eyebrows tamed, with tasteful makeup on, and dressed in quality clothing, I don't think she looks bad at all. Check this picture and this picture out and see if I'm right. She's heavier than the average woman, maybe, but so what? I, for one, don't think that "overweight" is the worst thing in the world a person can be. When she is at her best, she is not at all unattractive. So, since you compared yourself to her, maybe there are things you can do to improve your appearance. I don't know a single soul, including those with severe deformities, who are so ugly that they should never leave the house. If you feel bad about yourself and your looks, it shows, and the attitude doesn't help. But you don't put any effort in, because you think it's no use. I knew a man once who had body odor issues due to biochemical problems and allergy to deodorant. He could step right out of the shower and smell like he hadn't had one in a month. He constantly heard remarks about his odor, and finally gave up on regular showering. "What's the use? They're still going to tell me I stink." Of course, this only resulted in even harsher comments. "Well, no wonder you stink. You haven't showered!" Could you be in the same boat? You've heard so much about your appearance that you don't even try, and then people think the fact that you're not trying is the whole reason you have a problem? Vicious cycle, I know.

    As for how much it matters, I get you. I am not "Hollywood" beautiful either. I am intelligent, but that doesn't seem to have counted for much. In fact, it may have worked against me. You compare yourself to Susan Boyle; I look more like Rosie O'Donnell, who has had her share of ugly jokes. It was my mother who told me she was ashamed to be seen with me in public. The reason was my weight. I've been losing slowly, but I'm about a size 22/24. The highest I've been was a 26/28, and the lowest in my adult life was about a 16/18. Medically, it has been proven that my body really isn't capable of being smaller than that. My mother was afraid society would judge HER by the fact that her daughter is fat, and think if she had raised me better, I wouldn't be such a tub. Although I am married to a supportive man who gives me positive feedback (could that be why I am now losing weight and not feeling a need to reach for comfort food?) men in my life have been less than that. One loser who had dumped an even heavier girlfriend, and who was using me only as a FWB, told me we could have a relationship if I would lose weight. He certainly didn't offer me much incentive. So let's say I lose weight and I "earn the right" to call myself his girlfriend. What does he bring to that relationship? Absolutely nothing. He was a total loser. The next one after him commented, when I lost a couple of dress sizes and was proud of it, "I don't wanna hear it. You're still overweight." That man would force me into contorted sexual positions that caused me pain, and ignore my cries. "This is the way I want it. I can't help it if you're overweight, and it hurts you." For one thing, my skinny-as-a-stick friend told me those positions would hurt her too. And for another, this was during my size 16-18 days, which I now know is not all that overweight, nor am I capable of being any smaller without slicing major body parts off. After this came my first husband. He would rag on me about my weight until I was in tears and suicidal. Then immediately he would leave the house and return with a gallon of ice cream, which I wasn't about to eat when he'd just told me how fat I was. Whereupon he would become VERY angry at me for not joining him in the ice cream. My therapist said he was trying to keep me fat, so he'd have something to pick on me for. So does my biological family. They'll do the same thing; tell me how much weight I need to lose, and then turn right around and say, "Here, eat some of this. Oh, come on, don't say no, a little bit won't hurt you." Which is why I now live 3,000 miles away from them. PS. You should see how fat my ex-husband is now, and believe me, he wishes he had me back again.

    So I've been where you are, rejected and judged because of looks, and I'm still there.

    And let's not forget the world's advice. If I complain about being mistreated or discriminated against because of my body size, the instant reaction is, "Well, why don't you lose weight?" Gee. How come I never thought of that?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2011
  9. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Thank you for your response and for your honesty :hug:
    I am sorry that you have had such horribly abusive relationships. Feeling bad about yourself of course is not going to result in any kind of healthy weight loss and I am so glad that you now have a supportive husband and are on the way to feeling better about yourself.
    I am sure there is an element of "not helping myself" - there is definitely an element of "why bother" and I feel if I do make an effort, people are looking at me pityingly and wondering why on earth I wasted my time. Truthfully, it annoys me that I am this hung up on it because I know appearance shouldn't matter. Makes me feel like a bad person on top of the apperance issues which isn't helpful. I think partly - if it is true that personality counts - this scares me because I am very alone and have never been in a normal loving relationship so if its NOT because I'm ugly then its ME. Whole new set of issues attached to that one :/
  10. Brandt

    Brandt Well-Known Member

    You may have just dated assholes and it's of no fault of your own, and as someone who is overweight I've been told I am good looking but it's almost impossible to truly believe them because I don't feel it, I don't see it. Personality does count, a lot, and when you do find someone you connect with that will become more apparent than when dating an ass.
  11. cruztacean

    cruztacean Member

    It's just occurred to me too, the number one weapon in an abuser's arsenal is to attack the victim's self-esteem. If he can convince her that she's ugly and undesirable, and no other man would want her, then she'll stay with him and accept the abuse. The man who forced me to be a contortionist told me all the time how stupid I was, how I couldn't cook or clean house, couldn't sing, yada yada, besides telling me I was fat. He would make remarks like, "When a man can cook better than a woman, what does that say?" Of course he wanted me to infer from this statement, that I was totally worthless. But first of all, cooking is not a gender-specific talent. Nowhere is it made law that all women have to be better cooks than all men. Furthermore, there are too many variables. In my case, all it said was that I was 18 and just fresh out of my mother's house, while he was 28 and had 10 years of life experience on me, nothing more. It takes time to get good at something. The fact that he cooked better than I did (and I wasn't really horrible at it) said nothing negative about me whatsoever, but he wanted me to think it did.

    That man treated me so badly, it made my first husband looked good to me. There is this tendency among abused women to think, "The last one hit me every day. This one only hits me once a week. Isn't he wonderful?" But he wasn't any better, really. He was kind to me only for as long as it took to rope me in. After that I didn't do anything right in his eyes. When the children came along, in addition to being fat, ugly, stupid, a bad housekeeper, an inferior cook, and a horrible singer, I was now a terrible mother too. The truth is (as he will now admit, himself) none of that describes me. But if I thought badly enough of myself, I wouldn't come to the conclusion that I deserved better treatment than he was giving me, and leave him.

    Is this what is happening to you? Are you the victim of people who are so fearful of losing you, that they have to keep you convinced you're ugly so you won't dare step out and explore?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2011
  12. Brandt

    Brandt Well-Known Member

    Reading that really upsets me, I don't know how any man could be verbally and/or physically abusive to a woman he says he loves, or any woman for that matter. Makes me wonder how a person like that could ever find someone to be in a relationship with yet I haven't been in a true relationship in years, good guys finish last I suppose.
  13. cruztacean

    cruztacean Member

    Possibly so, but they do eventually finish. I finally wised up. You see, many women make the mistake of thinking that a normal, drama-free life is "boring." It took me a long time to realize that "boring" is exactly what you want, and the guy who doesn't excite you very much is the one who will treat you best. At age 44, at long last, I married Mr. Nice Guy. He's not perfect--but only because nobody is.

    Remember, if there is a shortage of ladies left over for the nice guys, it's possibly because the abusers have them trapped and thinking they can't do better. I've seen angry rants online about how women "choose" the abuser over the nice guy, but no, she's not really choosing. She is mentally and emotionally being kept prisoner.
  14. Brandt

    Brandt Well-Known Member

    Which is my dilemma, I'm not a big partyer and I stay away from people who like drama and cause drama. I know if a guy was ever abusive in any way, shape or form to one of my sisters I would potentially be up on homicide charges.
  15. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Cruztacean it makes me really angry that you have been treated so badly. I mean okay - the guys i was with were not that charming or anything but they were not abusive. Neither would have dreamed of telling me I was bad at anything unless I truely was terrible at it (like building flat pack furniture - but even then it was "you suck - let me do it - you go have a bath." nothing unkind). I do not believe that they were telling me I am ugly so as to ensure they didn't lose me - particularly since neither were faithful and told me straight out that I was a stop gap til something better comes along. Now of course anyone with half a brain would have walked away on hearing that - but that's a whole other issue.

    Brandt - Nice is good. Women recognise that eventually. I think for some women "nice" is such an alien concept that its hard to accept. When a guy is nice to me at all I think its fake automatically. Its been drilled into me that men are not nice so it seems odd when one is. But if he persists with nice, I get over it. All I can say is - keep being nice. It beats being an ass any day.