It's not getting any better

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by duke_winchester, Oct 18, 2009.

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  1. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    I was going out with this beautiful woman for over a year, and we of course were not free of issues, but when we were good, we were great. I love her so much, and I would do or give anything for her. We were talking marriage. Anyways, at the beginning of September, there was an issue over a trip I wanted to take her on and she broke up with me, and I have been devastated ever since. I have given her some space. I haven't talked to her in weeks, but she won't even give me the time of day. I don't know what happened. She said she loved me so much and couldn't imagine her life without me and now she won't even text or talk to me. I am devastated because I love this girl with all my heart, and there has been no healing in the past month and a half. I am not happy at all. I try to make myself do things all the time, but all I do is miss her. I am barely hanging on here. No one understands me. Everyone tells me to just get over it. All I can think about is the beautiful times we had together, and there were so many. I'm barely eating, I barely sleep, and when I do, I dream about us being together and then when I wake up I am even more devastated. I don't know what I did to deserve all of this pain, but it it too much
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You didn't do anything to deserve what you're going through. It's not as easy as just getting over it, especially when you're wondering, without any answers.

    I know words won't take away the pain you're in, but I do hope you'll keep posting here, keep reaching out and talking to people.
     
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Wow I'm sorry your going through a hard time...just getting over it doesnt quite cut it when you planned the rest of your life with her....it will probably take time...but keep talking to us...there are people out there who live through something similar so you're not alone...:hug:
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I would hope she would at least explain why but if her heart is not there you need to find someone whos heart is there totally for you. I know it seems unbearable but please try to reach out join new groups take up new hobbie anything to keep you busy and help you to meet up with someone new.
     
  5. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    It doesn't make any sense to me. During our relationship, yeah of course we had some issues, but nothing that was major. I mean, she continuously told me how beautiful I made her life and how she couldn't imagine her life without me. I did all that I could for her. Last march, she was planning on going on a trip to Bolivia with her church and was having trouble paying for the rest of it, so I went to the person in charge, asked how much she owed, and paid off the rest of it. And I want to be clear that this is not about money in any way. There were so many times I brought her lunch at work, brought her flowers, sent her text messages to brighten her day, wrote her letters. I didn't go overboard, but I believe that when u love someone the way I love her that you do all that you can for that person. I gave her my heart, and I couldn't imagine my life without her and now that has become a reality. And everyone (including my best friend) that I was too focused on the relationship, too obsessed. Doesn't anyone believe in real love anymore? About the kind of love where you give your heart to someone like that? And now its been completely ripped out, and every single minute is a struggle. I came home after work last night and broke down. I mean, I really can't imagine my life without her. Its been almost two months, and I am still completely devastated. Nothing makes me happy, even though I try my very best to make myself do things. It just isn't working. And all that plays in my head is the wonderful memories of us together, and now that is all gone. I texted her and then called her on Saturday (after like three weeks of no contact), just to tell her that i care about her, to see how she is doing, and to tell her that if there is anything she needed, she shouldn't hesitate to ask. No response, nothing whatsoever. After everything we had together? And even getting angry doesn't help. I am just getting more and more depressed, I miss her more and more, and my love is not fading, and even though everyone seems to make me feel like it is wrong to love someone like this, I say B.S. The world needs more people that love with all their heart, but things are going the opposite way. It seems like the more i give, the more i suffer, but I can't stop giving. It isn't me, but the suffering is getting more and more and shutting me down.
     
  6. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I can understand what you're going through duke, I too fell in love with a woman, went out with her for a few months, and got dumped by her. Sure, it hurt, and it still does to a degree, but I know that she wasn't out to hurt me, so it's ok. I promise you that it does get better and it will, you just have to be patient and give it more time.

    If you feel like you can't be happy without her, which you probably do, then maybe you could try just being friends with her, because it doesn't sound like she wants to get back together. Don't forget, you have to give her some time as well, because you did mean a lot to her and she will probably be needing some time to get over you like you need time to get over her. You can try and get back together if thats what you want, but don't push it on her, and don't expect different results, unless a certain amount of time has passed in between relationships, time that you both need to think about yourself and each other, and decide if giving it another go is the right thing to do. This will also give you a chance to grow as an individual, and appreciate what its like not to have her.

    Keep posting here, it is a great place with a lot of kind and helpful people that will listen to whatever you have to say. Don't give up, I know it is tempting while you are in the state you are in, but it won't solve anything. If anything it will make life a lot worse, and by that I mean the life that you are a part of, a life that contains your friends and family, and this person you feel so strongly for. One of the great things about suffering is that we can use it and turn it into something beautiful, like a piece of art or music or writing. Anything really, you can use it as your strength to carry on if you want to, because you know that through all this suffering, you haven't given up and you're still here. You will come out of it a better, stronger person.

    The answer to both your problems is simply, give it time.
     
  7. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    Tobes, I appreciate your advice. I really do, but she walked away from this, so she should already be over this. If she isn't and is having a hard time, maybe that is her heart trying to tell her not to give this up! And I don't want her to get over me. I can't put into words how much I love this woman, and this has just put me into an impossible position. I am really considering purchasing a gun sometime this week in order to have it (not to use it on anyone else of course).
     
  8. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Surely you have more to live for other than this woman duke, you should never throw it all away over one failed relationship, no matter how bad you feel. And just because she doesn't want to get together with you now doesn't mean she never will, you should give it a chance. If you love this woman so much, you owe it to her to keep fighting. I don't think getting a gun is a good idea. Even if you don't intend on using it, once you have it, it will be tempting to use and we all know how bad things would turn out if you did. Plus, you would leave quite a disgusting corpse, likely scarring the person who finds you for life, not to mention how your parents would feel. This is unescapable. Don't put them through that.
     
  9. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    True love is like nothing else, and this woman is just so amazing and so special to me. She has my heart so tightly and I just don't what to do. With her gone, everything else seems so meaningless. I know that sounds weird, but there is nothing like being deeply in love with someone, and the love I have for her I am pretty sure can never be matched.
     
  10. release_me

    release_me Member

    First don't take your life over a failed relationship. There's plenty of fish in the sea. She's not the only girl out there for you. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will get over her with time. How much time? I cannot tell you for sure, but I do know from past experience as time goes by it slowly starts to get easier.

    Now what I want to know is why did she break up with you? Did she tell you? If she didn't tell you she atleast owes you an explanation. If she's not returning your calls than go to her house if you have to, she atleast owes you an explanation. After that don't contact her anymore, so you can begin healing.

    hope this helps.
     
  11. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    In order to love her, first you must love yourself. Anything else is pure infatuation, which to be honest is what this sounds like. Love is strong, and powerful, but it doesn't require us to be with the person we love. Now I'm not saying that you don't love her, that's not my place, but what I am saying is that your outlook is skewed by your desire to be with her, despite the fact it may not be whats good for either of you. After all, you did break up. If all you had was love for her, then you could still be happy with yourself and without her, because you know how you feel and you have already experienced your loving relationship with her. Love is also not asking anything of the person you love, and right now you are asking her (through us) to be with you and not taking what she wants into account.

    There are other fish in the sea, but that doesn't matter because you want the fish that you chose. But what if I told you that you chose that fish before seeing most of the others, and your opinion is skewed. Lets move it back to humans. What if I told you that you could meet a woman so fantastic that she fulfilled your dreams? Wouldn't you want that? Now you're probably gonna say that this is the woman you love, but of course you will. I believe my ex is the perfect woman, despite me knowing logically that this isn't true, nobody's perfect, and that I have met a tiny percentage of the women in my town, let alone my state, country or the world. The odds of me hitting the jackpot on more or less my first try are slim to none. She is a great woman, don't get me wrong, but my past infatuation with her has skewed my thinking so much that I have convinced myself she is the best, and the only one for me. I believe that you have done the same. Again this doesn't mean you don't love her, it just means you aren't seeing straight.

    One thing that is most unappealing to women is desperation, and right now you are reeking of it. There is not a chance in hell she will take you back in your state, and you should stop hoping that she will. Clean yourself up, start living life for yourself and then see what happens. These may be harsh words in your emotional state, but you need to hear them in order for you to move on. We never know what the future will bring. You may get her back and have everything you ever wanted, or you may move on and find someone infinitely better. Also, If what you had with her was so special, why would you consider killing yourself, not only destroying the possibility of reunion, but destroying your own happy memories of your relationship, and the possibility of a better one in the future. Just because you've moved on doesn't mean you can't still love her, as long as its healthy and doesn't hurt anyone, including her. And trust me, it can. Right now what you have is unhealthy infatuation, which is bad for both of you and will destroy any possibility of friendship with her in the future, which you undoubtably want if she is that important to you.
     
  12. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    I disagree that it is infatuation. First, she doesn't know how hard I am taking this. I don't tell her that I am massively depressed, that I need her, etc. I don't say any of that. The little bit of communication I have set forth is simple "How are you doing? I just want you to know that I care about you very much" or "Hope you are having a wonderful day." She has no idea how this has affected me. And if love (the romantic, relationship kind) is as you say that it is still so wonderful even if not reciprocated, then why do countless, and I mean tons, of people become so distraught over this. When u love someone as deeply as I love this woman, and when that love is reciprocated as she did so many times, then it is like nothing else. Nothing. If I was infatuated, I would be following her, trying to show up where she goes, texting her or calling her so many times every day. I love her, plain and simple, and if there is any truth to all that she said during our relationship, then I believed she loved me deeply, and that just doesn't die. It might be covered up by other crap. I don't know. All I know is that I love her very very much, and I am sick and tired of people telling me that I am obsessed, that it is not OK to feel like this. I think that a broken heart is by far the worst pain to endure, and I have been through other crap and none of it phased me much. Love like this shouldn't be thrown away, by anyone. That is what is wrong with all of society. "There are plenty of fish in the sea. Just go find another one." That is what is wrong today. When two people love each other, they can make it work.
     
  13. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I never said you didn't love her, just that you can have love and infatuation at the same time. I don't doubt that she loved you, and maybe she still does, who knows. I like your romantic view of the world, it's nice to know there are still men out there that can have their life come crashing down over their love of a woman, it shows how powerful love can be. You are right in saying how countless people feel distraught and helpless over losing the ones they love, but I'm sure the majority of these people learn to deal with it and move on, which you have to do. It doesn't matter how much you want to be back together with her, if she doesn't feel the same way then it's not going to happen, and then true love between you two will not occur. I am happy to talk to you and help you with this, but you have to talk to her to really know if you should be together or not. She may have a completely different view of you than what you think she does.

    Assuming a sufficient amount of time has passed since you guys broke up, go talk to her and tell her how you feel and ask if she would consider trying the relationship again, since this is what you want so badly that you'd consider suicide rather than be without her. Just don't say anything like 'I can't live without you' or ' I need you to be happy'. That smacks of desperation and is an incredibly unattractive way of thinking. Some girls like it to have a guy feel so strongly for her, but most girls (the smart, mature ones) would want to be with someone who knows how to be happy with themselves, because any other is merely a leech, feeding off of the warmth and love of the woman. This isn't love. Ask yourself, when you were with her did you always look to her to be happy? Could you, while with her, spend a day to yourself and have fun or were you constantly wishing you were with her and feeling sad or desperate? If you truly want to be with her, you have to know what killed it in the first place, and whether you should be with her or not.

    I can assure you, you will not and cannot be with her while you are in the state you are in. Even if she doesn't know how you are feeling, it won't take her long to figure it out. If however, with her, you quickly change back to a happy and optimistic person, then she may not know how you feel and what you were like without her. But that is only lying to her, and she deserves to know how you feel with and without her, for you to love each other properly.

    You will feel better with time, if you stop pining over her and wishing to be with her and just live life for yourself. This will not remove your chances of getting back together with her, if anything it will strengthen them. In order for her to even consider being with you, you have to attractive enough for her to want to. Suicidal feelings are not attractive. Now you may say "I simply won't tell her" but that only makes you a liar, and to love someone you don't lie to them, certainly not in matters that involve your life. The problem is that if you tell her, you may push her away, but thats a chance you have to take. You'll only know her better for doing this. Get over your suicidal feelings before you try to get back together with her, keep posting here for support and don't give up, whatever your decision may be. And this is a big decision. You may permanently lose her as a potential friend, and friendship love is just as strong as romantic love. If you truly love her, you can be happy with just being her friend.
     
  14. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    Again, I do appreciate your input. I am trying to live for myself. I mean, everyday I make myself do things to try to make me happy, but mostly all I can think about is her. And, I have always had a hard time living for myself because I really want to care about and help others, make other people happy. You know, just before we broke up I was making arrangements to take this girl to New York City in December four days before X-mas and proposing to her. She always wanted to go to NYC and go ice skating on the rink there, etc. and I was gonna take her to do that. That isn't gonna happen now, and she now knows I was gonna do that, but you know what, I am leaning towards right now still making those arrangements so that her and her mom can go and giving that to her as a birthday present so that she can live out one of her drams.
     
  15. release_me

    release_me Member

    She won't give you the time of day but you're still going to give her money to go on a trip?
     
  16. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    Sounds weird to most I know. I care about her and want to help her accomplish that dream. Part of me says that if I did and she still didn't make any effort then I really don't deserve that.
     
  17. release_me

    release_me Member

    Dude she dumped you. Please have some self-respect and don't give her ANY money. Work on trying to make yourself happy, NOT her.
     
  18. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    First of all I wouldn't be giving her money, just something she always wanted to do. And I don't think it would be a lack of self-respect to do something like that. I believe that a huge measure of someone's character is if they can still performing truly loving actions in the face of suffering and for others who might not even be giving that person the time of day.
     
  19. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I think release_me is right duke. She dumped you, and has left you feeling like shit. Love her all you like, but it won't get her back, and buying her stuff won't either. It's a nice gesture, and shows you're a good person, but you don't need to throw away your money for someone elses happiness. I sincerely hope this isn't an attempt to win her back, because that is plain trickery, and that would make you a bad person. Why don't you spend that money for yourself, why don't YOU go on a holiday or something, and have some fun. You need to get out of your situation, and you'll need all the money you can get.
     
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