it's not me doing this...

[urban_lily]

not sure if this is the right place to put this but I couldnt find anywhere relevant...if it has to be moved, please go ahead!

I've taken 3 overdoses this year.....before each one I started getting very dark, nasty thoughts and an urge to die....these thoughts built up and up until it felt like I was no longer in control, like it wasnt me doing or thinking these things. It really scares me.

I'm getting thoughts like this again now.

I have to go to counselling in the morning. Now that's fine but my sleep pattern often gets messed up and it is now...I'm living like a vampire and I never get to see day light at the moment! The trouble is, these thoughts and urges are creeping in again....not so much that I want to die but that I just need to sleep....I want to sleep at a proper time instead of being awake all night on my own and having too much time to think. At the moment the thoughts are along the lines of "if I take a lot of tablets then it will make me sleep and that is the only way". I have a lot of scary medication in the house because I have ME/CFS and need a lot of pain killers and I also have stuff for anxiety etc.....my boyfriend tried locking it away but I just broke into the box one day with a hammer when I flipped out one day.

I feel like I'm going mental....the rational me says this is wrong and I shouldnt do it but this 'voice' in my head is getting stronger and I'm finding it more and more difficult to control. I have tried distracting myself but I'm getting more and more worried that I cant sleep and that I'll have to miss yet another appointment that I really do need to go to.

I have no one I can talk to, it's 4.30am here and everyone is asleep. I dont want to phone the samaritans because last time I did they were shit....

Does anyone have any ideas of what I can do to stop this getting out of control?

 

[Happynow]

Urban, no wonder you responded to me. You are up all night. I personally think you need to look to the source. Why are you so anxious? Why were you prescribed medications? What is your career? Do you have odd hours? Are you under a lot of stress with your career? Are you and your boyfriend at odds? I am a mid 40 year old. I get the impression you are younger...in the mid 40's you start to calm. If you are younger, you may be anxious for many reasons. My suggestion to you is to try to calm down...read, drink some warm milk (unless you are a drinker...no mix). I am up...respond back. I will tell you in advance I am on medication for anxiety. Are you opposed to that?

Happynow

 

[urban_lily]

I have ME/CFS and my sleep pattern has been pretty erratic since I got ill with that. I am unable to work and the meds I have been prescibed are for that as well as depression and anxiety (so obviously I have no probs with you being on anxiety meds!). I'm 26 BTW

My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of problems recently and over the weekend he broke up with me, then wanted me back...then broke up with me...then changed his mind again! He's no tthe bad guy in all this though...he is my main carer and there is a lot of pressure on him. He works full time and then looks after me when he gets home...he's 18 months-ish younger than I am so it's a lot for someone so young to cope with.

I cant really read as another of my symptoms is sickness and dizziness like vertigo which reading often makes worse (which I hate as I always loved reading)....cant drink milk either...just because I hate the stuff! I've had some camomille tea with honey. I dont drink anymore really as it makes my ME stuff worse and we dont keep alcohol in the house as I did drink it when I ODed before.

I just cant seem to get these thoughts out of my head...I just desperatly want to sleep...if I dont I'll be in no fit state for the counselling tomorrow....the thoughts and urges are scaring me as they get stronger and stronger....I dont know if I can stop them.

 

[itmahanh]

Hey Urban I wish I knew what to say. That is exactly what I go through. I havent found that magic cure yet. The best I have is sitting here reading the threads and posts trying to help and eating frozen KitKat bars. If you find something let me know. PM anytime you need to though.

 

[urban_lily]

I'm so scared that it means I'm mental or something....and no one else seems to take it that seriously. I'm just reading through posts on here and trying to keep distracted....looking at old photos and stuff like that.

What are frozen kitkats like?!?!

 

[urban_lily]

didnt realise you had kitkats in canada either! Not sure why though.....

 

[Happynow]

This is SO strange! I happened to take my mother-in-law to the doctor today. He prescribed Lyrica for her. She got it for restless leg syndrome but he also mentioned it is doing amazing things with fibromyalga (sp?). Maybe ask your doctor about this. It is a new drug, not a narcotic, and doing great for fibromyagla patients. If you go to a podiatrist, you may be able to get a week supply free to see if it works for you. The doctor did say this drug is doing better with fibromyalga than any they have seen.

I do wish you the very best!

 

[urban_lily]

I shall look it up but it's probably not available over here....definetly ot on a free trial! I was already on meds for restless legs....apparently it was potentially dangerous especially if ODed on so I'm not allowed it any more

 

[urban_lily]

just had a quick read up about it...the active ingredient, pregabalin, is very similar to gaba....I'm already on gabapentin which also treats neuropathic pain so thats probably the best I'll be able to get.

 

[itmahanh]

I take it you know kitkat? Well put one in the freezer. Heaven on earth! You're not mental just hurting from your demons. And unfortunately people that don't suffer those demons usually don't take them seriously. It's like they think well just take a pill and it will go away or just stop thinking. Well you sound like me. You can't just shut it off. Mine seems to come in phases. Some only last a day or two. But some like this one can last weeks. It makes it so hard to do the everyday things I need to make it through the day. I get up tired, feel like I could sleep all day but around 6pm I start getting antsy and by 10pm I'm wide awake. And I ramble if you haven't noticed. But my head is racing and I really want to shut down and go to sleep. The suicidal thoughts never stop so I keep posting and trying to help others to slow my own thoughts down. By 4am (it's 3:30am now) I just lay in my bed and sometimes doze off at about 5 or 6am. But the kids are up by 7am cuz their school bus comes at 7:30 and I have to drive the little one to daycare for 8am. By 9am I am home again alone and so tired but can't sleep. The funny thing is family services puts my son through daycare so that I can have some respite and try to rest! The worst part is sitting there thinking about how tired you're going to be the next day but there isn't anything you can do about it. At least insommnia you can take something for it. If you want to pm just to chat maybe we an come up with some ideas we can both try. It almost 4am now, so how about we give it a try tomorrow. If not, instead of pleasant dreams, how about pleasant thoughts? Take care and good luck with your appointment tomorrow (today?).

 

[urban_lily]

I didnt keep the appointment....I was just too tired by the time it came round...I really needed to go to it as well

Hope you are doing ok itmahanh....I'm feeling pretty down at the moment but the worst of it usually comes in the middle of the night if/when I cant sleep. I did manage to sleep last night which is a good thing I guess....dont feel any better for it though.

 

[hirondelle]

Hi, I'm new to this site, I think sometimes everything is so awful and black and overwhelming that it is hard to make any sense of what is happening, just surviving or stopping yourself from self destructing seems the most urgent. I have never let anyone see me really upset, when my heart is breaking and the noise that comes from me is like a gut wrenching wail, I do this in private, I can't bear to let anyone see. Preceeding my overdoses my world closes in, I feel as though I am not connected to my body, like my eyes are peering out through eye sockets, it is difficult to explain, the blackness is everywhere, I feel like a ghost walking through my house that doesn't feel like my house, I feel like I am walking through someone elses house, at times like this I have learnt to try and ride it out because I know it will pass, but sometimes I disociate completely and wake up in hospital, full of despair (that I am still alive), shame because of what I have done, and having to bear the attitude and behaviour of the nursing staff towards me. the stigma is appalling.

Sometimes when i have been having counselling I have had to have a rest and stop for awhile to let things work inside, to develop or heal. Then later on I am ready for more. But I depend on drugs a lot now even though I am a psychologist I have needed the drugs to help me cope through the worst crises, they do help, and they help me be able to look at what has happened to me that has brought me to this state in my life. They take the edge of life which I have found really helpful but the most awful thing has happened which I haven't told anyone is I have developed feelings for my psychiatrist which if he was not my psychiatrist I would say I fancy him. I wasn't looking for it and I wasn't expecting it, and I wasns't expecting to say it here either! I have stopped seeing him because I am embarressed by it, I am sure he knows, I really am findng this very hard.

I didn't expect to get to this point in this post. It is like therapy, you start and you end up somewhere unexpected. x

 

[ace]

I'm so scared that it means I'm mental or something....and no one else seems to take it that seriously. I'm just reading through posts on here and trying to keep distracted....looking at old photos and stuff like that.

What are frozen kitkats like?!?!

Hi there Lily you aren't mental that's the first thing I wanted to tell you,I felt that alot of the times with my conditions thinking I'm so screwed up in the head.I wanted to share with you I've noticed most of my depressive spells appear to be alot worse late at night.I'm up pretty late until the small hours alot of the times also.

Can I ask if it's possible for you to see a Dr?I've been on many meds myself and none have really helped,but I'm thinking if you could be even prescribed something to get you off to sleep that could be something.I know what you mean I have Bipolar,major depression,Ocd and Bdd and understand your feelings to a tee please don't give in ok.

 

[urban_lily]

I see my GP regularly...she's very good I'm already on lots of medication because I have ME....some of the medication I have already *should* be helping me sleep....but it isnt. She wont give me any sleeping tablets as I ODed on them the last time she did. The sleep problem is mainly a symptom of the ME/CFS I have....I've been going through a really bad patch recently. It's a bit of a viscious circle really....my physical health makes my mental health worse and vice versa.

I had a real bad time earlier this evening...it was like the 'mental' bad thoughts were taking over....I got it into my head that if I took lots of a certain painkiller I have then it would make me go to sleep (that was all I wanted!)...I phoned the samaritans and they talked me through it....feeling much better now, still not able to sleep though. I'm going to just keep myself warm and comfortable and try to rest.

It's nice to know that there are people that understand where I'm coming from with this....my GP has been very helpful but at times I feel like people arent taking this as seriously as I think it is. I was in hospital twice earlier in the year after ODing and was referred to the mental health team who said I had no serious problems and that I wasnt even depressed! They discharged me after one hour long session and that was it. My GP wrote to them and tried to refer me to them again but they said I didnt need to be unless my condition 'worsened'.....was trying to kill myself not serious enough?!?