Its not suicide when...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by idc, Mar 5, 2013.

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  1. idc

    idc Active Member

    I apologize,technically i dont belong posting here.This forum is "pro life for peer to peer support" and i'm not here for prolife support.On the bright side they'll be no wasting of that support on me and you can all save it for those who want it.For me its not even suicide,but,this is the forum for people who are going to end their lives.That qualifies me to be here and i'm just "leaving a little footprint" here, and in time,for myself.Its not suicide're already dead inside.Its more like just bringing an end to a situation that cannot continue.I cannot continue on in this manner,and i dont have means to even try to fix this situation/medical condition.Its an unbelievable situation that started in infancy,along with a continued set of unbelievable circumstances snowballed and continued and i didnt unravel this entire mystery until i was nearly 40yrs old.Imagine pulling yourself out of 24 years of major depression without dctrs or pharmaceuticals?i did it for a year.Imagine banishing bipolar 1 ultrapid cycling(off the reported charts) mania for a year and counting.Imagine 24 years everytime mania was ON it was a mixed episode(the most dangerous phase of the most severe level of bipolar disorder)because baseline depression never left.For some that would be a miracle right?I did that on my own and it wasnt even close to being enough.
    I spent hours the other day on an email(to samaritans) trying to explain the entirety of this unbelievable set of circumastances,no one here has probably ever heard of,i couldnt even get it finished.Got tired,fell asleep,woke up and deleted it.It doesnt matter,all i wanted was for someone to say "wow thats a horrible or painful situ".According to my relatives ive explained this too as much as possible.I was told "we're responding the way we are taught ,or supposed to respond".Which apparently doesnt include actually admitting a situation is horrible.That all changed today and i finally got an admission that my situ is "beyond horrible,painfull,unimaginable etc".Its taken over a year to finally get that,and the fact i cannot fix this situ AND i cannot continue on much longer in this situ.So its taken a guarantee that i have NO OPTION other then to end it,to get that admission.Its beyond ridiculous to me but whatever.
    I have obligations to fulfill before i can end this.Everything should be fulfilld before the end of this year.Hopefully well before the end of this year,the sooner the better.Ideally i can get it all done and end it before dec 1st,but a few months either way doesnt matter at this point.Other then the longer it goes on the worse my suffering is,and that suffering is beyond comprehension.Yes i do consider the few people i love and have to leave behind.I cannot continue in this manner and i cannot fix this so its simply i have NO CHOICE.
    I'm spiritual and not religious as far as written religion goes.I dont believe iwill be damned to hell.Even if i was it doesnt matter because i have no choice.Heaven,hell,or NOTHING is acceptable over continuing(which i cannot do).Everyone is different,we have different levels of what is acceptable across all aspects of our lives.Whats easily acceptable for 1 person is unacceptable to another.You can have someone who loses their arms and legs,gets prostethic limbs and keeps going.Another person will crumple and die at that prospect.I would have preferred and could have accepted four prostethic limbs and continued life over my situ.
    Like i said i'm not here for pro life support,dont waste your time or efforts.I've left my footprint here and i thank you for the opportunity.I've taken the road NEVER travelled....

    Its not suicide...when its destiny
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    So you are saying that you never tried doctors or medications? Why not? I'm also unclear as to the purpose of this post.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You posted because a bit of you want to live it sees that there is hope.


    You did not get the help you need to stay stable to keep your illness under control

    You chose not to do that WHY

    It is not destiny when your chooses are ones that do not get you the help you need to get well

    You are changing the path YOU hun So reach out now and get healing ok Only YOU can do that

    Destiny has nothing to do with what you are doing because if you reached out and got supports you need that are there you would not be feeling so ill
  4. idc

    idc Active Member

    The purpose of my post was to "leave a footprint" here mostly for myself.Have i tried meds or dctrs?LOL I dont need meds,i didnt actually say what my condition is thats wrong that i cannot continue on.If you're refering to the major depression or bipolar info,well those are a result of my situ.As i said i pulled myself out of major depression for a year and also banished mania for a year.I have been to dctrs in the past but i didnt have any clue to the truth of my condition and got no where.Since september of 2012 i KNOW the true nature of my condition and how to try and heal it.I dont have the means to do that.And the damage from 24 yrs major depression also plays into it now and i dont actually know if the physical condition can be corrected because of the neuorologic mental aspect.I could easily go after my social security disability which would be sufficient for me to pursue medically correcting my condition,but like i said i dont know if its possible given the neurologic aspect.Sorry i'm laughing to myself if someone asks what the hell is it and i would hafta try and explain that which i cant imaginbe any one here has ever heard of.Its fairly new medicine
  5. idc

    idc Active Member

    total eclipse,i posted because i deserve to be here.I feel ive earned the right to post since my situ/condition is leading to me ending my life.What was left inside me that was still alive,died when i lost hope that i could overcome my condition.For almosta year i believed i could and then in sept of 2012 i learned the full extent and i dont have the means to try and correct it.If i held out for social security disability theres still no guarantee because of the neuorological aspect.Its hard to understand,and i didnt explain the actual condition because i felt it would have made my post too long.I didnt accept help in the past because my condition causes me to have depression and to me thats a normal repsonse to my situ.I would never take meds to try and get out of depression without fixing my condition.I got by fine with major depression and bipolar compared to most others.No drugs or alcohol and all the craziness most suffer with,most people never knew i even suffer from them
  6. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    Im be really interested to hear what your condition is. If you don't mind that and would be ok with sharing it.
  7. idc

    idc Active Member

    Physically my condition started in infancy.Usually people get help for a medical condition.Unfortuantely it didnt become clear until sept 2012 at nearly 39 yrs old.By then it had snowballed so negatively its literally unimaginable.
  8. idc

    idc Active Member

    LOL sure i'll post my condition.Let me see i hafta shorten 39 yrs down to a few mins lol
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    To me, it sounds like there are still questions. You aren't sure if your situation could improve because of the possible neurological aspect. If you held out for Social Security Disability, you still don't know if that would help. That means there's a possibility, and where there's a possibility, there's a glimmer of hope.

    I would really like to learn more about your condition, if you're willing to talk about it. If you'd rather not post, feel free to PM me.
  10. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Isn't there just a name for it?
    I'm not being difficult... just trying to understand how you are feeling is all.
  11. idc

    idc Active Member

    This is so complicated.Ok when i was about 14yrs old,i slightly injured my "junk" masturbating,slight bend.Well something crazy happened and my junk shrunk up permanently.I had no clue and never told my parents how can you come at them with something like that lol?So i rage with suicide out of mind for 10 yrs straight.Didnt end my life because i have a much younger sibling and i couldnt leave a suicide with no reason.I couldnt risk it tearing that person apart when they got older.When i say raged with suicide it was beyond human comprehension.I actually had seizure type situ from the mental stress.Ended up giving myself tinnitus from listening to death metal so loud in headphones wanting to die.Triggered a near death experience,thats not easy while your just laying in bed.
    Early 20s finally just go to urologist and he tells me some loss of rigidity at base,not bad move along.I try to explain no something much more is wrong.I didnt know how to explain better and it wouldnt have done anygood back then anyway.I went again in my 30s,no progress.I lived with major depression and bipolar but the bipolar didnt get bad until just a few years ago.
    Long story short now i know what the hell happened,its called hard flaccid or contracted penis.Learning about this condition makes me realize it had started in infancy(the dctr agrees) from the symptoms.Muscles anywhere in the body can be overworked or out of balance and develop trigger points.This dominos around and can cause muscular imbalance in the pelvic floor muscle and that will tighten up to stabilize your internal organs.Dctrs a

    what the hell happened to rest of my post?damn

    Anyways all this muscle problems and triggerpoints turns into a permanent contraction of the ischiocavernosus muscles.Its like your junk shrinks up when your in fight or flight mode,except it never returns to normal.I cant pinpoint the exact cause of the original start of these muscular imbalances.It could have gone a few different ways the dtcrs agree and it doesnt really matter.My whole life was sidetracked and lost to this condition which started in infancy i was nearly 39 when i understood the full situation.Its not a urology problem its a physio therapist problem.Spent my whole life alone as far as intimacy except for 1 very brief period.I can take alot,but everyone has their limits.Ive given up and dont care to try and fix this by going after my social security disability and then hoping i can eventually fix this bs.The few relatives i care about i have made them understand,i cannot continue on this way and i cannot fix this.Its 26 years later and now they can understand and that younger sibling knows it had nothing to do with her(my future suicide).Also its very important,and no one can possibly understand unless you have this condition.Part of your brain shuts down and you lose the foundation core and heart of what it is to be male
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2013
  12. idc

    idc Active Member

    Wildcherry,the neurological aspect and uncertainty is,this condition also has a mental aspect.It didnt start that way BUT the severity of my depression and the damage to my brain from this has to be considered and that is the part where i dont know Even if i treated the condition with whole body physiotherapy trigger point release and internal trigger pint release with a specialist who does that (which i have been to but not done that) becuase that alone would be useless unless i did the whole body too so.You can do the internal and external therapy but you have to have your head in the right/positive frame for things to get back to normal and thats where i think i lost my chance,severity of depression that causes damage.i pulled out of it for a year with supplements and pushing in that direction but when i lost hope,staying out of depression just is not possible
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