its not that bad i guess

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by hardcore, Nov 25, 2009.

  1. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    I've long realized how weak I am. How dramatic I am. I want god to realize he made a mistake making me and remove me from this world. Not that I believe in god. I realize I am making bad choices, almost every day. I am making choices that hurt people. Do I even care? Sure I hate myself but that isn't an excuse for my behavior, its a coping mechanism. If I hate who I am it must mean I'm less responsible for what I am, right? The truth is this doesn't matter, nothing matters. The anti-depressants don't work, they never have. I want to escape, and I will. Abuse my sleeping pills, buy some lsd, and get whatever takes me far away. Take the razor blades to make me believe that the pain I feel in my chest is actually comparable to the pain others feel. But it isn't. My hell is a good life, it always has been. Always will be. Why do I hate myself? Because I'm weak. That is it. I've been fighting a long time. At least I think I have. The truth is I don't care about being good anymore. I've become worse. Stealing is becoming a habit. I know there is only one thing I want. To have an interesting story. But it isn't happening. I'll keep trying, going to all the diferent extremes and destroying any identity I could have. And always come back to the same conclusion: run away. From myself, my life, and the people that love me. So that maybe I can trick myself that I'm someone else. It's natural anarchy, with my over-dramatic self. Well shit, I'm going to forget this sillyness and see if I can make my story interesting somehow. :stars:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey if your medication not working ask doc to change it or up dose or add on to it Get help don't destroy yourself.
  3. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Well I find your story so far, just on what you've written, interesting. Makes me want to know more. Do you feel like telling any more about yourself?

    But I can relate to what you're saying about having an uninteresting story. I'm come to the conclusion though that it's not so much that i'm uninteresting, as that most people aren't interested in my story. Subtle difference, but a thought. And i can so relate to wanting to stop being good, i'm sick of it i just want to be me to hell with having to be some kind of paragon that people expect. (Easy words, not so easy in reality).

    Here's the advice. Don't even think about touching lsd - the way you're feeling it will only make all your fears concrete - then your life might well become interesting, but not to you.