It's not that I want to, but I feel that I should

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by magath, Sep 12, 2012.

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  1. magath

    magath New Member

    So I'm a guy in his late 20s, I work as a checkout assistant in a supermarket and I came to the realization today that nothing I have ever done, do, or will ever do matters. I could drop dead tomorrow and no one would give a shit. I hit 30 next year and I have no family, no kids, no wife, none of the things that would give me a reason to hang on.

    I have spent the past two years just trying to get someone, anyone to care. I feed the homeless every week, I look after drunks on a Saturday night as a volunteer, I mentor bullied kids, I have gotten people off drugs and run my own orphans charity, all while working 2 part time jobs and running myself into the ground just trying to help people. And you know what it's shown me? No one cares. Not one single person actually wants me. My parents are apathetic to wether or not I live or die, ditto my actual family. I saw my best friend die in front of me, my son was taken from me, The few things I have left seem worthless.

    My so called girlfriend doesn't want people to know we're supposed to be together. Not that it matters because every time we try to meet, she cancels or has some bullshit excuse. I'm doing all the chasing and putting in all the emotional investment for someone who clearly doesn't feel the same.

    I've tried being the good guy and breaking my back to help other people. I feel like a performing monkey because people only want me when I do stuff for them, so I'm continually forced to do this stuff just that someone will care, but no one ever does. My two real hopes in life were to become a pastor of a church and to have a career in battle rap, both things I'm actually pretty good at. But no one wants to give me the chance to explore these. Every time I make some progress, someone either stabs me in the back or I life kicks the shit out of me.

    So, i literally can think of no reason to stay alive. Not one. And its not like I feel I want to, but rather that I should, because there is clearly something profoundly wrong with me for all these people to take and take and take from me, but not to care. The only constant in my cycle of misery and disappointment is me, so perhaps it's time to finish it.
  2. Mckownm

    Mckownm New Member

    I wish i had a boyfriend like u.
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