It's official, I have a depression :(

[Marti2003]

It is now official, I am digenost with depression. Here you have 3 froms of it, low, middle and serious. I am between middle and serious. Last days I feel not bad but also not good. It is like I live with the day and try to avoid feeling bad. Only at night I can feel bad before sleeping. I also sleep bad the last weeks.

Only I have to wait for getting treatment, because I get on a waitinglist. Before I can have some help for things, but more in a group before I get a doctor who can help me.

I still feeling ways of wishing I can sleep forever, but I think I never will do something, maybe life is still interesting for me. I hope soon I have a pschyciatrist and that it can help me....

Thanks

 

[Butterfly]

I am glad that you have sought help Marti so now you can get the treatment that you deserve. Being on waiting lists are a bummer, but seeing as you are middle to serious you should receive help soon. We are here if you need support in the middle. Hold your head up hun, keep smiling and stay strong.

 

[eagle]

wehile you are waiting you still have all of us here! lean on us to get you through the time you have to wait and it'll be ok

 

[Marti2003]

Thank you a lot, I appriciate it

 

[MisterBGone]

Hi there, I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you, and wondering how you're doing. Congratulations on the medical progress you've made. I'm very happy for you. Keep it up!

 

[HawthornePassage]

I actually find that not labeling it promotes the best understanding, even though I did it at first. Introspection hurts, is complicated, but helped me a lot.

 

[Marti2003]

Thanks, I am doing ok.
Yeah it is a start for getting better, it maybe takes time and a long road ahead, but this was a choice I maybe only had to do... wondering how things will go..
... I feel really tired now, sleepless and all, but when I sleep and wake up I feel so tired and through all the day... it is like my energy is sucked away... sighh hope I can find some energy...

 

[Marti2003]

I have such a bad day, all goes wrong i feel sad and i know it is just wasteless everything. I need a hug from someone, but everyone is busy or what they do i cannot take this anymore, why I always wake up, sleeping is the best thing now

 

[msu1980]

I have found that those who are not depressed have no idea what we are going through. They think that when we sleep all day we are just being lazy. When this is absolutely not the truth. I found when I was sleeping a lot it was because I did not want to face things I was trying to avoid. Sleeping just allowed me to forget about things and worry about them later.

As far as your delay in treatment, I would suggest going to your library and reading some of the books that explain depression. The better you understand what you are facing, the easier it will become to deal with it. Additionally, there are several books out there that can provide you with strategies to cope with depression. If you would like PM me and I can provide you with the names and the authors.

 

[Marti2003]

Thanks I will...

But I really feel so tired now, even that I did not a lot... I feel so defeated and now again after hearing that I have bad luck with a job that I applied to... it is like a curse, I am not allowed to be lucky for one time. I dunno anymore what to do now, I feel so hopeless... I want to get away from this, I cannot face it anymore, I am just a faillure in everything, all what I do goes wrong I hate myself

 

[Marti2003]

I feel so down, i dunno what do, i feel like loosing it now, thinking how i can end this, i do not want feel this way anymore, i want to sleep forever

 

[Moat]

I can relate to how you feel, both the depression and the nights that always seem to be so long they are almost unbearable. The problem with the night is that it is always so dark and still outside your window, that you're not given any distractions to take your mind off the problems at hand; the simple sound of a neighbour cutting their grass, kids yelling and kicking balls across the street, the sound of passing traffic... most people take it all for granted during the day and come night,, have no medium that draws them away from what is really going on in their life.

One of the things that have helped me in the past to stave off those depressive thoughts until the first light of the morning Sun was to stop lying in bed trying to sleep and recounting over and over again all of my problems, but to get up and make jobs, the more physical the better, for myself to do around the house. Even the more tedious, mundane jobs like cleaning were very welcoming to me in those times, as all I needed to do was set my mind on the task I put to myself and push everything else out of my mind until the job was done.

Truth to tell, I never did put much belief into luck or think that I just wasn't cut out for a great life. I just accept that there are things that will never go my way no matter how I try, and through every experience, try and find at least one positive thing that came out of it. If I lost at a job interview, one positive experience is that I might have found a poster by the side of the road that I really enjoy the artwork of or helped a bird caught up in plastic at the park. Nothing big or spectacular, because those things all belong to hollywood, but most often than not, even the smallest things in life that might seem to be insignificant can, at the end of the day make you smile. And in the end, if something makes me smile because I've enjoyed it so much, then that's far more special to me than any job that I didn't get.

 

[Marti2003]

Maybe I asked too much of myself to accomplish life... and that I do not even enjoy the little things anymore and look too much upon other people what they have and I don't... it is difficult to accept, I cannot accept my life as a happy life... on this moment not even... I have a few, I try enjoy but it is just short and nothing special...
It is more and more difficult to express myself...
Even with help my life will be the same, with medicine and mental help after then things are still how they are, maybe I am more confident but this world is just cruel and all...
I think some day soon I will plan my end for real... it is not a question if, but when... i know now for sure, there is no way back anymore, I just failed in life, I have to give space to someone who deserve it more then me, and my friends and gf have finally no bothering of me anymore, only my family i am afraid of, but what can I do, I want be happy but I cannot, I hate this, I hate myself, I want not to feel this way , I want to run away from everything, I want to sleep forever, i do not want myself anymore, i am just a burden to this world

 

[Marti2003]

I am so afraid of everything.... nights are getting so difficult, sort of hyperventilation i get, my heart beat does weird, i feel sufficated for a moment... what is wrong with me, i get everytime awake like i sufficate and my heart does weird... is weird cuz then you do not want die, but it feels that way.... best way is die in your sleep, i do not mind also if that happends

 

[Marti2003]

Yeah soon im gonna plan it, doesnt matter anymore, hoping still i do not wake up when i sleep, well i do not want anymore this. I hate myself

 

[Marti2003]

Im crying i need someone, im hitting my head hurts but not care, want not think no more my damn things

 

[Marti2003]

Help dunno what do anymore

 

[LillMy8989]

I am also depressed , but they just wont diagnos me one which I think is weak of them of, that is society(always hated, always will...), because, No One has the understanding to help, not my psychiatrist, NO ONE! That is death for me, I havent been out(but to buy catfood) for days I m scared to DEATH. I have a maniac(he Is real) after me, unknown number calling like monthly or something like that, uncomfy talk when he phones and gets angry or none- speakable, like 2 personalities comes loose, comes real... (I have my difficulties but that is NOT one of them...)

And nightmare is no one ever believes me telling youre are a fool or "ye right, we'll fix it. And could I have you ID?"" upset?!!!! I havent been party like NORMAL for VCery long time now! I am scared of police-CARS(since 12)
Satan is here I can see. feel it!!!

 

[Marti2003]

I am also depressed , but they just wont diagnos me one which I think is weak of them of, that is society(always hated, always will...), because, No One has the understanding to help, not my psychiatrist, NO ONE! That is death for me, I havent been out(but to buy catfood) for days I m scared to DEATH. I have a maniac(he Is real) after me, unknown number calling like monthly or something like that, uncomfy talk when he phones and gets angry or none- speakable, like 2 personalities comes loose, comes real... (I have my difficulties but that is NOT one of them...)

And nightmare is no one ever believes me telling youre are a fool or "ye right, we'll fix it. And could I have you ID?"" upset?!!!! I havent been party like NORMAL for VCery long time now! I am scared of police-CARS(since 12)
Satan is here I can see. feel it!!!

Hope you will be alright, good luck and stay calm...

 

[Marti2003]

Really want die now, its the end for me, im done in this world, finished