It's one of those days again… Triggers? Who knows

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jarres, May 4, 2012.

  1. Jarres

    Jarres New Member

    So today I told a colleague/friend that I am asexual. Nothing the matter there, she quickly accepted that fact. What has me going now though, is the fact she asked me if I was a virgin. So I answered yes and no. I explained why I said yes and no and it got me all sorts of depressed again. Especially because I explained a little about my life to her and kept the rest bottled up, now I need the rest to come out. So hopefully you don't mind me ranting and just plain summing up the crap that was my childhood. Just need to get it off my chest. I apologize in advance.:apthy:

    So; my childhood. Guess I can say not a happy one, at least not from the things I actually remember about my childhood. Most of y childhood is one big blank. I've got some memories here and there but that's it.
    Memories I do have aren't that swell though. My brother telling me why my father, whom I've never met, left; when I was 3 years old he figured out he didn't want any kids (my brother is from a different father). Apparently he didn't want me because I understand that he has 2 kids now.
    My mom met this new guy who was a complete asshole, drunk all the time. Used to beat up my brother and abused me. More than once I woke up with him in my bed, I remember this once when I still had some sort of crib (4 years old) and I woke up with him laying half on top of me naked. I guess I can figure out what happened that night. I kind of think my mom knew about it, but was glad that I was so young and shy that I never spoke up. When him and my mom broke up, she met a new guy, I still went to visit the guy every weekend. Hell for all I knew he was my dad. I guess looking back now, and I've gotten back this memory fairly recently, he abused me every weekend. More than once I would wake up in the middle of the night in his bed with his package in my hands. Me being the shy, young and scared girl I was I never actually said anything. Just rolled over and pretended to sleep.

    After a while I wasn't allowed to spent the weekends with him anymore, turned out he had sabotaged the car of my mom's new partner and had to go to jail. I never spoke up about what he did and I figured it was all behind me. I could be a normal 6/7 year old….. Right? Wrong!
    We moved to a smaller city, in a small apartment, without any furniture because we were that broke. Anywhoo I was kind of happy; they had this huge forrest and petting zoo behind the houses. I loved it there, I could escape from all the school kids. They bullied me big time, I guess being abused back then made me into a huge chicken. Scared of everything. All my stress actually deflected on my body. I couldn't go to the bathroom anymore and had cramps all day long. Kids pick that up and start teasing. So that's why I found my "sacred" place in that forrest. Till the day that a guy saw me playing that and asked me to "play" with him. Luckily I could make a break for it; but my place was ruined ever since.

    My mom, her partner, my brother and I moved every two years or so. Till the day of today I have no idea why, I'm guessing it was out of debt or such. I never liked the guy my mom was seeing, he wanted to be strict with me, act like a father. I really didn't want a dad so we were constantly fighting. My cousin actually did find him kind of nice, because he kept a complete other appearance for when family or friends visited. Always making me look like a spoiled brat. Until the day he touched my cousins butt, ever since that day nobody trusts him anymore. I shouldn't say nobody though because my mom is still married to the bastard. For the second time. So much happened with him, huge fights with knives coming in action, his constant cheating.. Never a dull day here.

    I'm trying to keep this rant as short as possible so I will jump to an other memory. My uncle; actually the stepdad of my cousin who's ass was touched by my stepdad, you guys still following that sentence?
    Well that guy raped me from the moment I turned 14, telling me that if I told anyone he would hurt my cousin. Since I barely know any relatives and my cousin had a rough life with a stepdad whom died from liver cancer, the thing with my stepdad and problems with her mom I never wanted her to hurt anymore. She thought highly of her new stepdad and I never wanted to disappoint her. So I let the guy abuse me from age 14 till 23, I'm 23 now.

    So sorry for this long and boring story but I just had to get this off of my chest. Also, sorry for any grammatical failures. English isn't my native language.
  2. Concrete_Angel

    Concrete_Angel Forum Buddy

    So much has happened to you and no wonder why you want to let it all out! I just wanted to let you know that I listen and I care even if nobody does at the moment *hug