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It's one of those days.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Downpour, Nov 23, 2013.

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  1. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I want to say here. I bought a means of killing myself today. This means is in addition to the other thing I already have. I won't go into details since I'm pretty sure that's not allowed. I don't intend to use it right now, but I like having it available. It makes me feel better to have it around, but on the other hand, now that I've definitely gone a step further towards killing myself, I'm going to have to lie outright to my therapist. I don't like lying and I think lying in therapy is counterproductive. But I know that if I say what I've done, I'll end up in a huge mess once again. Any advice? Should I be honest about what I've done? Or should I hide it to avoid a huge headache (because I don't have any intention of using it right now)?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can tell your therapist just that ok then therapist will be ok with that if you are not planning anything right away YEs you should talk to your T let him or her know where your thoughts are at. It may not cause a huge headache it may help you heal further by telling hugs
  3. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    I'm in a similar place as you downpour, I haven't been entirely honest to my therapist with regards to the severity of my suicidal thoughts. I've been collecting my means lately and it makes me feel calmer knowing that I can escape anytime I want to. But eclipse is right, you should let her in about your thoughts because that way you can both work together to find ways to cope with the negative thoughts. I'll probably do that the next time I get to see my therapist. All the best.
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I've been lying to my Psychiatrist about being suicidal cuz I didn't want to be hospitalized. However, now I regret that because at this moment I wish that I am in a hospital. I'm feeling really shitty. I just didn't want to let my manager and my neighbors know that "here she goes again" I'm in the hospital again. What also kept me from being honest is for silly things...bills to pay, housekeeping inspection, waiting for the delivery of my electronic cigarettes, etc. I'm so alone right now. I try to think there are many people right now that need help for one reason or another another and that I am not alone. Message for you and for me...be honest.
  5. Anna2013

    Anna2013 Member

    Downpour, I can relate to what you say about liking knowing you can do it, even if you have no immediate plans to do it. That's me too. There are times I can calm myself only by picturing ending it. I hope this question does not sound judgmental or mean: that's definitely not how I mean it. I'm wondering, though, why you're talking to a therapist if you're not being honest? It seems to me that if you trust this person enough to see him/her, then maybe you can trust him/her with this. I'm not sure there would be a mess, especially if you are not planning to use the items. Perhaps your therapist will help you see a different perspective, something you didn't see before. I wish you well!
  6. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all the responses! I am being honest about everything else with the therapist/psychiatrist (they know I think about suicide all the time), but I'm reluctant to mention this specific thing because the last time I said that I acquired the means to kill myself, I was shipped off to the hospital. I told every single person who assessed me that I had no immediate intention of killing myself and that thinking about suicide was normal for me, but nothing would convince them to let me go home. I ended up being stuck there for about 3 weeks. That's why I'm not being honest about this. That and I don't want my means to be taken away from me again, especially since one of them is hard to come by. I really want to talk to them about it, I don't want to lie, but I can't deal with being stuck in the hospital again for an indefinite amount of time. I really don't know what to do.
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