It's over, but not what you think

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HawthornePassage, Nov 7, 2009.

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  1. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Things have changed. I typed up this mammoth post about a month ago and almost posted it here, but for some reason didn't feel like it:


    Let me take some time to describe the utterly....different situation I have been in for quite some time. I do not think this is a typical case of 'depression' or any kind of mental disorder, and have many reasons why I think this.

    When I was younger, I actually helped a lot of people greatly (online and in real life occasionally) with emotional problems. These emotional problems ranged from loneliness to full blown schizophrenia. I have met people from these encounters in person on a few occasions, but not really that many times. However, I did have pretty major depression back then, but it wasn't the same as with anyone I really dealt with that much. While these people were being self-destructive, cutting themselves, attempting suicide impulsively, or in general doing things out of desperation, I would suffer against the coldness quietly, even though a lot of things were boiling. Maybe that's why I ended up more messed up, and things online obviously didn't fill the great gap I had in my life. I expressed myself, but I just didn't do impulsive things. I however, did eventually come to the point where I was very very close to suicide. I got caught, and got sent to a place. It was useless and I came out on drugs, but more suicidal and angry.

    Things changed pretty rapidly then. I don't know if the final stroke of anger did it, but I changed like night and day. I gained a huge amount of confidence in a period of about a month or two, and as a result shed my depression. I learned from that experience that depression in the true sense of the word is impossible if you have high confidence, because it requires some measure of self defeatism. I guess I was also a strong person, because I wasn't someone who was fulfilled previously and got screwed, I had been pretty much on my own my whole life. So I grew up very independent through this whole ordeal and I think I dealt comparatively well to the people I 'counseled'.

    But I think the counseling I did had a dark side to it. I picked up a very strong sense of empathy from there that caused me to 'hyper-feel' everything in the world in a way. And that really came out when I 'got over' the depression I guess. I was no longer depressed, but instead extremely energized and angry. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, causing everything to go into an 'over-drive'. My creativity and intellectual processes utterly exploded, I was thinking of original concepts and ideas at easily ten times the rate I had before. My mind worked at lightning speed and I could do things in 30 minutes that I had trouble completing in hours. Things that previously seemed interesting, that people had no problem with seemed boring. Everything was easy to divide into patterns and my perspective made my previous life feel extremely shallow. It was as if I now had everything under a magnifying glass. Things that are detached from most peoples lives, philosophical implications, societal trends, and every broad thing seemed under the microscope. A much more 'real' existence.

    But there was still something missing:

    I had no one really there for me, and ESPECIALLY not someone there to empathize with what I was going through. But I wasn't going to give up there. I had become social around 16 and this started a month after my 17th birthday or so (had social problems before though). I just figured that perhaps I hadn't talked to people deeply enough. I knew that if anyone truly felt like me, they would feel similar longing, and would at least understand to a good deal. After much of this, I also did see a therapist about family issues, and that was quite successful because I kept control of the situation. My dad had problems listening to me, but not to a professional when they said more or less the same thing I had been saying. But that was separate from this.

    Anyhow, I suppose I came off a bit strong at first, but after awhile I toned down things with other people to the point of letting them do most of the talking. I never ever found someone in real life that much like me, though there were a few people who were intellectually that advanced. So of course, I mean this in terms of empathy. This period of 'rapid growth' also intensified the sinister emptiness I had felt before, to a point where it was quite painful after awhile.

    I was devastated by not having anyone connect to me. I had connected to many people over the course of my life, but never felt it given back. Not that I even tried, anyway, it just never was there and especially not when I tried to find if people really understood this. They would always say they did, but they lacked the interest and fervor that would indicate that it really struck a note with them. Because the high intensity was like a fire out of control, I began to become explosively angry, and eventually made a poor attempt at suicide which I cleaned up before anyone would notice. I am a fighter clearly, and the urge to live significantly impaired my ability to reliably kill myself.

    That was the end of all that for awhile. I stomached all the feelings because I was so terrified of dying, but didn't even realize it. Some of it remained intellectually, but as time went on, that went too. I couldn't bear it, but I couldn't bear to die or go insane. After that attempt, I never could sleep with the lights off in my room again. By May 2007, I had almost completely clammed up. I had seen it coming from a ways off and couldn't do anything. I was completely numb, but was waiting to be set off again.

    Just a little bit of anger at some superficial life situation set me off again in December 07. Things had just mounted until a straw broke the camel's back, and I exploded. I was suicidal and uncomfortable for a few weeks, then clammed up again. I felt like I was drowning as that happened. Like my real self was being forcibly stripped away by the world. I had started to develop chronic problems like acid reflux and severe bloating, but I did not realize it at the time.

    Things clammed up more or less permanently this time, aside from a hiccup or two every six months. Until recently, when the frustration and anger which had been building since almost two years ago erupted. It was a small event that set it off, nothing that really pisses me off too much, but it was enough to topple the whole thing. I felt or rather feel everything as sharp as that time before I attempted. I feel the extreme emptiness as a horrible emotional torture as bad as being shut in an empty room by myself for fifty years. I feel like I would do anything to have just one person to relate to me in a true manner, in a manner where they actually understand what I have went through, and the way I think and feel. And strangely enough, I am still very independent in one way, and not 'needy'. But in another way, this is absolutely killing me in every way imaginable. I am trying to reach out and find people who understand what I say here, where this truly touches a note deep within them. It was recently that I realized the chronic problems are because of the stress, since my stomach went absolutely berserk when I broke down. I haven't done that in years. I would like nothing better than for this to just be over, but I wish I could just have one person connect to me back. And I don't feel as though I am better than anyone, because this feels more like a curse, even if in ideal conditions it could be a blessing.


    It's over. But it's not what you think. Something had to give.

    Thankfully, something has given in the right way. And there is still a long way to go, but it's finally over. The torture is finally over.

    I met someone who takes me for who I am. Who wants to meet me mid way. Who drove 150 miles to see me even though she hates driving. Who stood by me, hugged and kissed me without judging while I basically had a panic attack from the despair and bitter emptiness pushing its way out. I have known this person for three years off a forum, and know it is going to be hard, but we have one thing many people do not: complete and utter honesty.

    She has trouble understanding some of the more 'intellectual' things I go on and on about, but that is no matter. She has huge empathy and the intellectual stuff will come with time. The main thing that matters is the emotional connection. And I have found that things will not change overnight, my emotional damage, from my strength and extreme independence is SO incredible, and my emotional wall is incredibly strong. But it's slowly crumbling and we will become closer and closer over time. I am patient. I want to be needy to an extent. I need to be needy. Obviously not to the extent of unhealthiness, though perhaps in a way yes. I have trouble believing it in a way because I am so used to a bleak reality, but the new light is slowly dawning. And we will both grow from this.

    She is patient. She wants to give it her all. She knows that my life is basically in her hands, even if I am not crying with desperation on the outside. Maybe it will take time, but that's the biggest difference. She wants to TRY. And that's what is most important. I'm tired of a meaningless existence. I am having COMPLETE AND TRUE FAITH in this even though my heart is screaming to pull away because I've been let down in so many ways. I believe she will come through, but my emotional side has big doubts. But I will continue to silence those doubts as I have been trying. This is my final stand, but it will be a good one. And I know it will deep down.
  2. CPessimist

    CPessimist Well-Known Member

    shit bro... umm... I'm happy for you.

    On the other hand though, putting too much hope in something temporal is bad. If you put all your hopes on the relationship and it fails... you're fucked.
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Well I'm happy for you Hawthorne, someone whose gone through intense emotional stress and is somehow coming out for the better. I sure hope this relationship of yours is a strong one and sticks together, well you've shown that so far :). This gal you're with sounds like a good one, hard to find someone that's willing to help another through such emotional hardship.

    If something turns for the worst remember, we're always here for you :). Good Luck!
  4. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    The thing is, I already hit rock bottom, can only go up. I was closing in on the end and quite fast. I had given up hope awhile ago.

    This does put me in a vulnerable position but I do need to move out of this and can't on my own. After all these years, it has to end. I have to try. And I have to make make myself vulnerable because my emotional wall is extremely strong and needs to be broken with something very strong.

    Thankfully though, I do understand what you are talking about unlike some people who are 'blinded by love' or whatever. And we will try our best to make it work through honesty and openness. That's really all we can do, instead of worrying. I can't afford to worry any more.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 7, 2009
  5. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    Congrats! Relationships can be very healing. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll have experienced some healing intimacy, learned to trust a little, and will have learned about yourself and the world around you. Yay!
  6. CPessimist

    CPessimist Well-Known Member

    That's legit, glad you're doing something. Best of luck to you and your relationship.
  7. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I think any kind of change is a good thing, honestly. I'm tired of always being so fucking bored and empty.
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