He accused. He belittled. He insulted. Once again he has called me to task -- for being what? Human? I told him, "...Yes I had boyfriends before you; you knew that, and you even knew how many and what their names were. Yes I had sex with them; you knew that, and you even made me tell you who was good and who was bad (which is sick in my opinion but you insisted). So why oh why is it that you steal my old diaries from like four years ago, only to read about sex I used to have with my ex, obsess over it, and then treat me like some kind of whore just because I was in love and having sex before I met you (and you have had a lot more exes and a lot more sex than I ever had, Mr. Ten-Years-Older-Than-Me-And-Divorced-Twice), and YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY?..." That's what he does to me. He has all my email passwords, he reads my emails, he makes me sit next to him while he goes through my phone and checks all my messages and numbers, he comes with me to work and is hostile to all the men there to "make sure" nothing is "going on." Every phone call is monitored, every place I go is questioned. And I have never even THOUGHT about cheating on him, much less done or said anything he can legitimately question. Yet I have no privacy, no life, and now this. It's funny, because his ex told me he was like this. Yeah, the ex who he CHEATED on to be with me (of course we both found out AFTER he had left her for me; and I, idiot that I am, decided to stay with him because he said he "changed." ...I think she got the better deal.) But none of that matters. What matters is that I am desperately heart-rendingly in love with him. And as we break up for the umpteenth time, even though earlier tonight I even gave advice to someone else about surviving a break-up, I feel like I cannot survive this one. I know this will never end, I know he will never change I know there's no use, but there's this little crazy part of me that craves him and says "maybe it will work" and I HATE that part of me! I hate that part of me because she won't let me go on with my life and instead I'm here obsessing and crying like a fool thinking I have possibly ruined my own happiness, that somehow it would have worked out and we would have been the happiest couple ever, and had kids and moved to a quiet place, and just been together forever like every other nauseating freaking love story, like those movies that I DETEST because they are NOT TRUE! And I want to die, AGAIN. I don't want to want to die. It's a feeling that comes over me unbidden. I feel like a victim of my own mind, why does it always turn to self-destruction? Why does every hurt have to escalate to wanting to die? And I CAN'T be mad at him, because here I am thinking maybe he'll call again and say he didn't mean it and we will be happy again. It's all so ridiculous, God I just want to get through tonight. I just want to feel nothing. I just want him here. No, that's just starting the cycle over again; I don't want that. I wish I was somebody else. A cold, hard stone with no emotion. Somebody please tell me it will be okay. I know I am freaking out but I can't stop it, I'm a damned train wreck and all the knives in the house are calling me.