i enjoyed that while it lasted..but thats over. back to my normal sucky life. its gonna be another all nighter..f*** i hate school. i just cant take it anymore i need so very bad to drop out after this semester. i cant handle having a panic attack walking to class and sitting in every class. THis is disrupting my life and i really hate it and cant stand it. I really want to die, but i don't even feel like i have the energy to kill myself. i don't think many people will see or respond to this..and dc. im tired of having my feelings go from one extreme to the other in just one day. I want out of my life. Its too much. I feel like a loser, a failure, inadequate, selfish, horrible friend, and person. and im so sick of trying to have a real relationship with a guy. im too screwed up for anyone to date or stay with. Everyone leaves and no one really cares in this world. i have practically no friends i have alienated everyone..i think itll be easier that way though. i wont feel so bad when it comes to the end and im ready. Im not ready now, but soon. i only feel bad that my one of my only friends that i told him everything that was going on..because hes been so supportive and here for me and i dont want that. i dont want to be close to anyone. the rest of my friends think i hate them, well id rather have them be mad at me for thinking i hate them than be sad or worried about me. i attempted suicide 2 times in one week about 3 weeks ago. i hate him for stepping in..i even asked him to kill me. I just want to go get severely drunk and then kill myself. I used to get drunk to make myself feel better. Now everytime i do, i attempt a suicide..great cause ill never stop binge drinking. im in college...what the hell do i do if i dont drink. im pretty much the alchie in the group. i dont want justin (my friend) to know when im depressed..its embarrassing. i feel like a loser. and the thing is..what do i have a right to be depressed about? my life is not that bad. some people..its understandable why they are cause life has handed them a sh** load of problems. but me, im just pathetic excuse for an individual who cant handle life cause she is a pathetic little loser. trust me no one would miss me..no one would notice. no one has ever noticed a da** thing i do. im done screwing up my life..there is nothing to look forward to..nothing at all..hasnt been for years. ive simply been naive thinking things will change, when i was in middle school--oh, things will be different in highschool--then college--now what? different people and places still the same result. one more horrible night/day to myself..