its over--NOTHING will ever change.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by foreverYoung180, Mar 24, 2010.

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  1. foreverYoung180

    foreverYoung180 Well-Known Member

    i enjoyed that while it lasted..but thats over. back to my normal sucky life. its gonna be another all nighter..f*** i hate school. i just cant take it anymore i need so very bad to drop out after this semester. i cant handle having a panic attack walking to class and sitting in every class. THis is disrupting my life and i really hate it and cant stand it. I really want to die, but i don't even feel like i have the energy to kill myself. i don't think many people will see or respond to this..and dc.

    im tired of having my feelings go from one extreme to the other in just one day. I want out of my life. Its too much. I feel like a loser, a failure, inadequate, selfish, horrible friend, and person. and im so sick of trying to have a real relationship with a guy. im too screwed up for anyone to date or stay with. Everyone leaves and no one really cares in this world. i have practically no friends i have alienated everyone..i think itll be easier that way though. i wont feel so bad when it comes to the end and im ready. Im not ready now, but soon.

    i only feel bad that my one of my only friends that i told him everything that was going on..because hes been so supportive and here for me and i dont want that. i dont want to be close to anyone. the rest of my friends think i hate them, well id rather have them be mad at me for thinking i hate them than be sad or worried about me.

    i attempted suicide 2 times in one week about 3 weeks ago. i hate him for stepping in..i even asked him to kill me. I just want to go get severely drunk and then kill myself. I used to get drunk to make myself feel better. Now everytime i do, i attempt a suicide..great cause ill never stop binge drinking. im in college...what the hell do i do if i dont drink. im pretty much the alchie in the group. i dont want justin (my friend) to know when im depressed..its embarrassing. i feel like a loser. and the thing is..what do i have a right to be depressed about? my life is not that bad. some people..its understandable why they are cause life has handed them a sh** load of problems. but me, im just pathetic excuse for an individual who cant handle life cause she is a pathetic little loser. trust me no one would miss one would notice. no one has ever noticed a da** thing i do. im done screwing up my life..there is nothing to look forward to..nothing at all..hasnt been for years. ive simply been naive thinking things will change, when i was in middle school--oh, things will be different in highschool--then college--now what? different people and places still the same result.

    one more horrible night/day to myself..
  2. foreverYoung180

    foreverYoung180 Well-Known Member

    i realized that i know i am truly alone..even on here. nobody cares about me. deep down..i wish someone would. i didnt want to do it tonight, but i really think i might. i just keep staring at my meds and thinking what the hell is the are alone in this world.
  3. Mat Voleido

    Mat Voleido Well-Known Member

    Please, don't kill yourself. Trust me, you are still wanted in this world :hug:

    I know that feeling of despair and depression, especially in relation to school. But if you think about it, it's alot of pressure. Wake up early, go to school, work all day, work all night, pull all nighters, study. Especially in your younger years, everything is fluctuating. And with the time change, season change... It's no wonder our moods are always in a constant state of fluctuation.

    You should try to open yourself up to this guy who seems to care so much for you. For so many people, they can't seem to find any support. But you have one right in front of you, and he could help your life drastically if you let him support you properly...

    The pain will give out someday. Your friends probably don't all hate you. Just try to talk to them. And if you can, ease off the alcohol a little bit. Even if it seems like it can help, alcohol can definately be a pitfall. With effort you can change your thinking. I know friends who used to drink everynight, and now, they confide to me that nothing gives them any better escape than riding their bike down a tall hill in the warm spring.

    I'm here if you need me :smile:
  4. foreverYoung180

    foreverYoung180 Well-Known Member

    i can't open up to him. i hate talking about this.. and nobody wants to listen to that shit, im trying to spare him from that. i dont need somebody to simply listen to me just cause they would feel guilty if something happened. i literally have 2 maybe 3 friends. i havent drank since the last time i attempted. which was almost 3 weeks ago. ive tried to change my thinking for 5 years. im sick of hanging on thinking things will get better, thats just a lie people tell themselves. Things only get worse as you go along.
  5. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    Trust me you aren't sparing him anything. What he is coming up with in his mind is probably far worse. He wants you to let him help you. As for your other friends you have built up a wall to keep yourself from being hurt. That is understandable. They want in. Try and let them in. As far as friends go you have a lot of them here. We care. Sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers who won't judge you. We won't judge you. Let us help you. Keep talking. I know it doesn't feel that way now but it will help. You can get through this. We have faith in you even if you don't have faith in yourself. Please don't hurt yourself. This planet needs all her pretty ladies - and that means you dear. Hold on.
  6. Mat Voleido

    Mat Voleido Well-Known Member

    I know where you're coming from, how you feel like you don't want a burden. But I always wish my friend Joseph had "burdened" me before he killed himself. I knew him since kindergarten, and he was suddenly gone... forever. It was a choice that changed my life for good as well. If I knew, well, it's like that song by the Fray. I would have gone to his house and sat with him all night.

    Trust me, things don't ALWAYS go worse. If things can go wrong, isn't there an equal opportunity for them to go right? You can't always flip the wrong side of the coin. One day, you can get things right. Just look for the little wonders and the small things in your life that are good. They don't have to be big, but they add up. And try to shrug off all these negative feelings. I know how hard it is to change your thinking, but it's possible. You just need to try a little. Just put in a small effort, and something small will change. Then you can put in a little more, and work your way up. Baby steps is all it takes, you don't need to jump the canyon if you don't feel ready.

    Trust me, you're not sparing him. He cares for you, and he wants to be there for you. I wish some of my friends opened up to me more. I feel I have so much to share with them, if only they took a chance and opened themselves up...

    I hope you feel better soon :hug:
  7. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Quoted for truth.

    I wasn't going to reply, I have no advice, or anything useful to say. But I hope you'll hang in there and get help...

    Edit: I probably sound like a weirdo, but I actually just wrote a short poem for you. It's not very good, spur on the moment kind of deal...
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2010
  8. foreverYoung180

    foreverYoung180 Well-Known Member

    i was drunk when i told him all this, and the next day he asked me if i really did want help..but i told him i was fine. Do u think he believes me... thats why i havent talked to him since about it. cause maybe he thinks i was just sad and just talking shit while i was drunk. its interesting you mentioned that song by the fray "how to save a life" that all i ever think of when i think about my friends. haha..if this planet needs pretty ladies then im no help. but i will keep holding on for now. last night was just bad and i had to vent to anyone who would listen. thanks for the advice. glad to know people care whether or not im here in this world.

    and not very good at giving advice. but just the fact that you replied makes me feel like you care, so thanks. :hug: and you're not a weirdo lol. hope you share it sometime.
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