...it's over.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MagicX, Dec 7, 2006.

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  1. MagicX

    MagicX New Member

    ...I've felt depression for 7 years now..a feeling of emptiness for years that's only gotten bigger as time goes on...

    I'm 17 now, but all of this living hell started when I was 10 years old. It all started with school; the abuse and pain that went on there from peers was too much to bear. I kept trying to go through it, but I couldn't. The 6th grade year following this was so bad that I tried to commit suicide by suffocating myself. That prompted me to get some "help", but it was anything but help. The people I saw did not help me at all, if even a little bit. A little bit after this point, I was physically/sexually abused for a couple of years by someone that I thought was my friend, starting at the age of 14; turns out he was the exact opposite of a friend. I've been made fun of for years at school, and have been excluded from social stuff despite every time I try to do something with others. I'm basically forgotten; My parents are either too busy with work or giving all of their attention to my two older sisters. It's as if I don't even exist to them anymore. I don't have any friends, so I can't say that anyone else would care about me. Life (which I don't even consider to be "life" anymore) has just become a growing nightmare over the years. My parents won't even take my suicide attempts seriously; I've tried multiple times in the past. I've cried out for help to them before, but they just take my suicide threats as a joke. With every day that passes by, I just want to die even more. There certainly isn't a future for me; I feel that there isn't a point to live if the only outcome is pain. I used to know hope, but I don't know it anymore; I've been hurt emotionally one too many times to feel happiness anymore. I've been slowly losing control; I can't control my emotions inside, or my thoughts...and I can't control my anger (whether it be to my mom, relatives, or myself). I always seem to get bad, suicidal thoughts now...the thoughts that say that dying is the only way out. I've tried getting help; I've seen psychiatrists, counselors, and even a hypnotist. Nothing has helped the depression get any better; it's only gotten worse over time. I had considered medication, but then I found out that the only ones available were pills; I am not able to swallow pills, so I just cried in frustration. I've never been able to get rid of my depression....it just keeps haunting me. The black hole just gets bigger every day...I'm at my last rope. Noone cares about me; My parents, relatives, or peers could care less if I kill myself.

    All I want is help....I don't know how I could get any, though. I must be absolutely hopeless to be where I'm at now. I've done some self harm (starvation mostly, no cutting...yet), but the pain just leaves me wanting to hurt myself even more. I'm so desperate, I begged someone at school today to SHOOT ME. I ran to the bathroom after they thought I was joking and said no, and ended up staying there for half of the day because I couldn't even bring myself to go anywhere. I'm going to end up killing myself, I just know it....I feel so unstable on every level; all I want is help from someone...ANYONE!
     
  2. yoyo_girl

    yoyo_girl Member

    i don't know where to start... but i will start here... I care. I do. Not because I know who you are or what you look like, but because I can hear you and i can feel how hurt you are.

    I am so very sorry for the pain you have suffered. I don't know what happened with the "help" you mentioned, but you do need help to deal with those issues.

    medications do not only come as pills actually. Some medications come as quick dissolves which you don't have to swallow. Sometimes they are capsues, which can be emptied into some kind of food or liquid... i doubt it would taste great,, but it would do the trick. And there are actually injectables of some.

    you might not even need medications. People can become depressed for all sorts of other reasons. Thyroid conditions alone are near epidemic.

    what you need is to have someone who is trained help you. You are old enough to seek that help yourself and young enough to have access to some free services... ask your family doctor, or the school counsellor.. someone. You may be becoming a young adult, but you can't sort all this out yourself from the inside...and depression takes away our ability to see options
     
  3. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i´m here. i may be not the best person to help you but i can hear you. The first i´m going to tell you is that parents not always are right, and you must accept it, if they don´t care about you, then you must care about yourself. Your friends are gone? then they weren´t friends at all. my answer is Why can you take the pills? there´s a medical reason?i think you should relax a little bit and start worring just for you because if you don´t do things for you nobody will. i think that you want to live and that´s why you came here. so why don´t you try to find another professional? may be the ones you saw weren´t good. i´m here if you want to talk. pm me
     
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