...I've felt depression for 7 years now..a feeling of emptiness for years that's only gotten bigger as time goes on...
I'm 17 now, but all of this living hell started when I was 10 years old. It all started with school; the abuse and pain that went on there from peers was too much to bear. I kept trying to go through it, but I couldn't. The 6th grade year following this was so bad that I tried to commit suicide by suffocating myself. That prompted me to get some "help", but it was anything but help. The people I saw did not help me at all, if even a little bit. A little bit after this point, I was physically/sexually abused for a couple of years by someone that I thought was my friend, starting at the age of 14; turns out he was the exact opposite of a friend. I've been made fun of for years at school, and have been excluded from social stuff despite every time I try to do something with others. I'm basically forgotten; My parents are either too busy with work or giving all of their attention to my two older sisters. It's as if I don't even exist to them anymore. I don't have any friends, so I can't say that anyone else would care about me. Life (which I don't even consider to be "life" anymore) has just become a growing nightmare over the years. My parents won't even take my suicide attempts seriously; I've tried multiple times in the past. I've cried out for help to them before, but they just take my suicide threats as a joke. With every day that passes by, I just want to die even more. There certainly isn't a future for me; I feel that there isn't a point to live if the only outcome is pain. I used to know hope, but I don't know it anymore; I've been hurt emotionally one too many times to feel happiness anymore. I've been slowly losing control; I can't control my emotions inside, or my thoughts...and I can't control my anger (whether it be to my mom, relatives, or myself). I always seem to get bad, suicidal thoughts now...the thoughts that say that dying is the only way out. I've tried getting help; I've seen psychiatrists, counselors, and even a hypnotist. Nothing has helped the depression get any better; it's only gotten worse over time. I had considered medication, but then I found out that the only ones available were pills; I am not able to swallow pills, so I just cried in frustration. I've never been able to get rid of my depression....it just keeps haunting me. The black hole just gets bigger every day...I'm at my last rope. Noone cares about me; My parents, relatives, or peers could care less if I kill myself.
All I want is help....I don't know how I could get any, though. I must be absolutely hopeless to be where I'm at now. I've done some self harm (starvation mostly, no cutting...yet), but the pain just leaves me wanting to hurt myself even more. I'm so desperate, I begged someone at school today to SHOOT ME. I ran to the bathroom after they thought I was joking and said no, and ended up staying there for half of the day because I couldn't even bring myself to go anywhere. I'm going to end up killing myself, I just know it....I feel so unstable on every level; all I want is help from someone...ANYONE!
I'm 17 now, but all of this living hell started when I was 10 years old. It all started with school; the abuse and pain that went on there from peers was too much to bear. I kept trying to go through it, but I couldn't. The 6th grade year following this was so bad that I tried to commit suicide by suffocating myself. That prompted me to get some "help", but it was anything but help. The people I saw did not help me at all, if even a little bit. A little bit after this point, I was physically/sexually abused for a couple of years by someone that I thought was my friend, starting at the age of 14; turns out he was the exact opposite of a friend. I've been made fun of for years at school, and have been excluded from social stuff despite every time I try to do something with others. I'm basically forgotten; My parents are either too busy with work or giving all of their attention to my two older sisters. It's as if I don't even exist to them anymore. I don't have any friends, so I can't say that anyone else would care about me. Life (which I don't even consider to be "life" anymore) has just become a growing nightmare over the years. My parents won't even take my suicide attempts seriously; I've tried multiple times in the past. I've cried out for help to them before, but they just take my suicide threats as a joke. With every day that passes by, I just want to die even more. There certainly isn't a future for me; I feel that there isn't a point to live if the only outcome is pain. I used to know hope, but I don't know it anymore; I've been hurt emotionally one too many times to feel happiness anymore. I've been slowly losing control; I can't control my emotions inside, or my thoughts...and I can't control my anger (whether it be to my mom, relatives, or myself). I always seem to get bad, suicidal thoughts now...the thoughts that say that dying is the only way out. I've tried getting help; I've seen psychiatrists, counselors, and even a hypnotist. Nothing has helped the depression get any better; it's only gotten worse over time. I had considered medication, but then I found out that the only ones available were pills; I am not able to swallow pills, so I just cried in frustration. I've never been able to get rid of my depression....it just keeps haunting me. The black hole just gets bigger every day...I'm at my last rope. Noone cares about me; My parents, relatives, or peers could care less if I kill myself.
All I want is help....I don't know how I could get any, though. I must be absolutely hopeless to be where I'm at now. I've done some self harm (starvation mostly, no cutting...yet), but the pain just leaves me wanting to hurt myself even more. I'm so desperate, I begged someone at school today to SHOOT ME. I ran to the bathroom after they thought I was joking and said no, and ended up staying there for half of the day because I couldn't even bring myself to go anywhere. I'm going to end up killing myself, I just know it....I feel so unstable on every level; all I want is help from someone...ANYONE!