last thursday I made my official witness statement about the abuse i went thru when I was a kid..since then I've been all over the place, i've struggled with more memories, dark thoughts, having to tell my family, and close friend that i was sexually abused & raped as a child, now my mum and sister have to give a statement on the 2nd September. I've ruinded they lives, I won't ever be able to look them in the eye or see them again without feeling full of shame and disgust about what I don'e. I've say here all day, trying to fight the feelings of feeling so lost and alone, so scared about what will happen over the next few weeks, realising that my life never had a chance, i've never really lived, just here for mens satisfaction. my life is over. I can't stop the thoughts, I've been trying, I've tried the helplines, I've tried to reach out to friends...I now want to close my eyes and never wake. I've chosen my songs for my funeral. somewhere over the rainbow and wind beneth my wings, i want them both played. i've said in a letter that's what I want. I've felt this sad and alone before, i'm a failue to all. I'm tired now.