its over

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lost_child, Aug 15, 2008.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    last thursday I made my official witness statement about the abuse i went thru when I was a kid..since then I've been all over the place, i've struggled with more memories, dark thoughts, having to tell my family, and close friend that i was sexually abused & raped as a child, now my mum and sister have to give a statement on the 2nd September. I've ruinded they lives, I won't ever be able to look them in the eye or see them again without feeling full of shame and disgust about what I don'e. I've say here all day, trying to fight the feelings of feeling so lost and alone, so scared about what will happen over the next few weeks, realising that my life never had a chance, i've never really lived, just here for mens satisfaction. my life is over. I can't stop the thoughts, I've been trying, I've tried the helplines, I've tried to reach out to friends...I now want to close my eyes and never wake. I've chosen my songs for my funeral. somewhere over the rainbow and wind beneth my wings, i want them both played. i've said in a letter that's what I want. I've felt this sad and alone before, i'm a failue to all. I'm tired now.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Why won't you be able to look your mother and sister in the eye anymore? are they angry with you?

    Try your best to occupy yourself to reduce those memories and thoughts flooding your mind.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    They not angry with me, i'm not sure actually. How can I llook them in the eye when they know what happened, they will see how dirty, disgusting, gross I am. I've caused them to be upset, my little sister to have more and more memories of abuse that she dealt with and locked away. I've done this. I've hurt them all. I've tried everything to keep my mind busy, to stop me from falling this far..nothing has worked. I have to fight not to cry, i have to fight to breath. this isn't a life. i'm sorry. ppl have much bigger problems then me and I'm sorry that i'm complaining. I will disappear and leave you good people in peace.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Lost Child,

    You are not dirty, disgusting or gross. No one thinks that of you, sweetie. The things that happened to you were not your fault.

    You also mentioned that you've stirred up memories that others have tried to "lock away and forget about". I'm not sure how your sister "dealt with" her issues; but, now you and she can support each other. You've done nothing wrong, hun, by speaking out about the abuse. That is how you are dealing with things and putting them behind you. You are facing them - bravely - head on!

    You are not the bad things you say about yourself. You are strong, caring and courageous.

    Please continue to be strong, take care, and stay safe!

    (You can PM me anytime you want.)


  5. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I've ever completely lost the plot or this is the end. I've been to the shops and brought enough stuff to take and end it all. I'm so down. I've tried to withdraw my statement but its gone too far and as others might be at risk they have to now arrest him. everyone keeps saying the most difficult part is over, but that was just the start, no1 seems to understand. I've lost everything. he gets arrested, he then gets away with it, and then once again he's won. then I will have him and he's family harassing me, beating me up, doing waht ever. I can't speak to anyone, its pointless. everything is pointless i'm sorry
  6. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    Dont feel bad. You have done nothing wrong. Your the victim. Reporting it was the right choice. You are not alone. Lots of people are in the same situation and facing the same problems as you are. Get in contact with rape support groups to help u through.
  7. S.A.D.

    S.A.D. Well-Known Member

    Lost _ Child

    YOU have done nothing wrong, You have done a very brave thing reporting it.
    He won,t win because you have reported it.

    Please be safe :smile:
  8. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    hey sweetie , uve been through enough ur a victim sweetheart not guilty of anything
    hold ur head up hun
    take care :hug:

    jo xxxxxxxxx
  9. Kimi

    Kimi Well-Known Member

    I think you are a victim.. I feel how you are so hurt. Why he could get away with it? You are so abused.. You should be protected from other people.. Is there any place you can stay? Do you think you can ask a help from local authority?

    I have written up my funeral songs and etc...
  10. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I can't ask for help from anyone, sams have said I can go to a drop in centre where I live and speak to someone face to face 2nite, but that doesn't not going to help everything is it. I will still have the fears there, I will still have the memories, the thoughts, the smells, the reminders, he's family will still be a threat. the police have said they will deal with it when he's arrested and i'm not to worry for the moment, but how can I not, all I do is worry. sorry.
  11. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    You have a reason to live, the future. Dont you have hopes of one day moving away from where you live. Building a new life and starting fresh?
  12. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    If those fucks take everything else away from you, then dont let them take your will to survive. Your will to leave that place and never ever see it again. There are nice people in this world, not everyone is evil. You will meet new friends and be happy.
  13. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    When though? When wil I be happy..I've been waiting for the day just to get a glimmer of hope and nothing. I've tried every contact I know and I can't get to see anyone, I need to see someone. and I can't. Its meant to be. if I was meant to survive this, I would be able to get thru, I would be able to see someone. Sorry. I'm just stuck and I can't find a way out of this, the only way I know is to end my life and take everything with me.
  14. jamie20m

    jamie20m Well-Known Member

    I think the day you will be happy is the day you move away, get a new job, make new friends, go on holiday, find a partner who you trust, have kids, live happy and die happy at an old age. Have you phoned a suicide hotline?
  15. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I've called samaritans. they said i can go and see someone but now they closed to vicstors. I'm stuck what else can i try
  16. Victori@

    Victori@ Well-Known Member

    Your still here lost child!! Please Please Fight through it!! You need to find something!! Please don't give up!! I don't want to say that we are the same and I know what you are going through, because we are diffrent, we feel thing diffrently.

    You need to know that there are people who love you and there is always somebody here for you!!! Im reading this!!! You just have to keep pushing!

    Don't let this sadness take over!! You are better than that!!

    Just keep typing!! keep calling, everyone you know!!
  17. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    you did an amazingly brave thing. you need a good therapist who specialises in abuse so you can start to work through it and realise that you are not to blame or dirty etc. you will be ok, stay safe. i admire you x
    ps check out rainn's website for resources to help you
  18. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I messed up big time. I took an overdose last nite, somehow a friend knew what I had done and called my flat mate..she said she couldn't wake me up for ages, after a night of being very ill and still feeling the effects (can't stop being sick, head and stomach are hurting, blood in my sick)...If she hadn't woken me when she did I don't think I would be here now. I honestly don't. I need serious help, I don't know where to go, or who to contact. I do have a therapist who I see once a week, for 50 minutes but I need more help. I'm a danger to myself. I'm a complete mess. I should never have said anything.
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